This past year was extreme. It put stresses on the entire family in ways that were truly unfair. What follows is a very interesting treat for you readers. It is an explanation of the very high amounts Ana gave for the 2016/2017 spankings in her own words. (I edited only a very few things.) So, if you would like to see into the mind of a 'disciplinary female' ......albeit a fairly young one, read ahead:
"As the year ended and the new year begins, a lot has happened, good and bad. It was a year that tested our patience, love, and sanity. I tried to see the perspective from everyone in the house, not only mine. I get that everyone has different things on their plate, especially by the different status and responsibility everyone holds, not only financially but emotionally. A balance is the best way to live. As the year has come to an end, I have observed the change in (KDP’s) personality. Obviously, he had to make some changes, no one is perfect and everyone is human. I have gotten that and at times I wish very hard things were different but also it did not only affect him as a person but everyone in the household. The negative vibes spread more quickly than the positive ones so all of that affected everyone and honestly I felt that most of the times I was more affected than anyone.
My brothers do care and at the specific time may get frustrated or slightly mad but as the quote says "boy will be boys", they live for the second and then it is gone. They go do their own things and they honestly won't think about it more than they have to. In some ways, I wish I could be like them sometimes. Their cluelessness has somewhat protected them from getting brought down in a way. On the other hand, they do not see what I do see. I see the worry-ness, the anxiety, the need for affection, interaction and love. At times I do feel responsible for not being able to provide some help with all of that.
I do not know all of the story, but I have a little outtake. It has been a scary year and we are not out of the woods yet. Also, family drama does not help. Having to live with two boys that have to be told exactly what to do in a specific manner - something I am proud to say I mastered, is exhausting on some levels, especially if one them is almost 21. But hey, at least they are not getting picked up by the police, going to principal's office, getting high, or rebelling against everyone. I would take my boys over anyone else any day, but I get the feelings and frustration.
I also get the lack of attention, recognition, and love. That is the key most of the times to be lifted up and get into a good vibe. I cannot explain every situation with a logical answer because the house is filled with 80% inconsistent thoughts and 20% consistent ones overall. I know having it expressed is lovely but the same way it is affecting one person so is the other. Everyone has their own shell, their own coping, their own cloud of thoughts they want to escape to figure out what to do, who to pay, what to buy, what to prioritize, and how.
I like zoning out and for a period of hours excluding everyone, not because I do not love them or I do not respect them, but because I cannot think properly and I need that time to get myself together and hey, I am only in college, imagine what you guys have to do. There are times I want to be around people but ignore the problems for my own sanity because I won't be able to handle it. I have a relationship with someone who likes to communicate about everything and it can be frustrating at times because some problems cannot be talked about at the moment or it cannot be said or admitted as easily as it sounds. I am my mom's daughter and I keep to myself, whatever good or bad happens, especially bad. If it was up to me, no one would ever know anything because that has been the only thing that has protected me and has let me keep moving forward when I needed to. There are times when you only feel like you had yourself and so I honestly do not blame my mom for being the way she is. She has had to struggle her whole life to be able to keep moving forward. 35 years is a long time.
I have been able to open up more, but it has taken me a while, especially to express my feelings instead of ignoring them, but there will be always that part of me that will want to keep things to myself. You hurt the ones you love the most, not because you mean to, but because you have to let it out on someone and usually they are the ones you feel comfortable with and the ones that you know will always be your side It is not always fair to them but at the time it is hard.
Anyways financially there is a lot to talk about but all I will say is that life has taken a toll and not everything that has happened to us has been fair, and it has been extremely tiresome but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
When the idea of the spankings was first brought up, I decided to go with it. I do not want to hold anyone responsible for these months because I know everyone has been trying their hardest to cope with the distress but I have to say it has affected me in ways I wish were different. I have tried so hard to balance out school, family, homework, friends, boyfriend, myself-time, and it is hard, especially when I literally have two free days and the rest is something else. I want to make everyone happy and it has cost me my own happiness at times and no one is responsible but me. I just want to let all of the past be in past because as I have had time to think, I would want to start fresh. I decided to give the high numbers for the spankings to not only enforce that the past is the past, but so there is no more screaming over silly things, no more feeling sorry for ourselves, no more waiting on having fun, no more impatience, no more rushed actions. The new year should be treated carefully, treated as the ‘new leaf’. And when a situation gets harder so should we. I came up with a high number because I have big expectations. I expect this to be a warning to adopt a better aura, especially in the house, which used to be my safe place.
I am glad other people have taken part in this "project" since it makes it more fun. Initially I took it as fun and playful when I first thought of it, but as I kept thinking more, the more in depth I got into what this really means to me. I want a lesson to be learned from this so we can move forward. The spankings will represent each time (KDP) has lost control over the situation. I do have sympathy for (KDP), that is why I had put the numbers low-ish... lol (kinda not really, but a little fun in life is necessary too ;) ). I hope this year is as bright as his arse will be at the end of these spankings. To me, it represents the start of something new, something firey .. lol.
I get it, not all of it, but I can picture being in your shoes a little bit to see things the way you do and I see why certain actions are done. There are no irrational thoughts except when there is no communication over the little silly things, but I get it and I do not hold anything against you because there are times that the cards are all against us. But I just want things to be better and for people to realize that things literally could be worse and that anything can happen anytime, anywhere to us and .. is that the way we want to be? the way we want to be remembered? Do we always want to be seen as the victim? .. So let these spankings be the opening of the new year in a way."----Ana
(this is the emoji I use when I text Ana.....my "little monster"!)
Anyway, the sequential spankings did take a two day break on Friday and Saturday due to those circumstances of life, but we resumed last night and this morning. So we are back on track, except now the last day will be Thursday rather than tomorrow.