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Friday, June 9, 2017

Important point

I am interrupting the next installment in order to share something Merry sent me. It deals with married men who are seeking discipline and........are not being honest about it. 


Ah, but why hang around with a dishonest masochist?

I am posting pretty much what Merry wrote with only minor editing to fit the format of a blog post: 

I don't know if you plan on covering it, but there's something I encounter on a regular basis, and it's becoming an issue for me.

Married or otherwise attached 'monogamous' men:


I have no personal objections to providing discipline to them, but I do object to the fact that they often hide it from their partner/spouse and expect me to be secretive about it. I understand that not all women are willing or able to provide discipline, but by approaching me (or other women) they are putting us in danger.


I don't believe in having a sexual relationship with a submissive unless it's been negotiated, and that takes time, so that's not a worry, but what if she gets suspicious and follows him or has him followed?  It can be dangerous. 


Hiding such an important aspect of one's life isn't healthy. I can't force a man to do the right thing, but I have morals (don't laugh!) and if I can't ensure my safety and the safety of my Household, what am I supposed to do?


If he can't be honest, should I charge him? I believe a relationship should be give and take, and my question is always if I'm spanking/disciplining/Dominating him, what am I getting out of it? What is he doing for me? Is he washing the car, taking me out for lunch, helping with the housework, running errands? Is that unrealistic of me?


Sorry for dumping on you, but I think you probably have a better understanding of this than most of the men I encounter.


I'm a person with feelings, not a fetish dispensing machine, and I often feel like I'm being used.



I don't expect answers from you,but my hope is that maybe you could remind your readers that hiding things is selfish and dangerous.

Pretty much says it all. Thanks, Merry!

29 comments:

  1. I didn't expect you to share all of it, but I'm glad you did. I'm hoping your readers will give some feedback on this, because I feel lost when situations like this happens.

    There are women out there that will take advantage of the situation, but it's not my thing.

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    1. I'm glad you approve. And maybe it will make someone out there think twice before deceiving his way into a relationship. I'm not sure what feedback I can offer, because my entire point is being honest with people......although I can appreciate being somewhat secretive under certain, very specific circumstances. Nothing for me is black&white. Although I do think the 'suitor' has to be upfront with the person they are courting as to what their background is. Then it's up to the woman to decide if she is OK with it or not.

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    2. I would love to contribute some thoughts on this. But I am confused as to the context. Merry refers to the men she encounters for spanking. But she also makes it clear she is not a pro.

      So I just don't understand exactly how the connect with her and how all that comes about in the first place. Thanks

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    3. Tomy: Perhaps Merry will explain more?

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    4. Hi Tomy!

      I am polyamorous. Put simply, I have relationships with more than one person. They are all aware of each other. I have profiles on both Collarspace (formerly Collarme)and Fetlife. Until my accident nearly 11 months ago, I was active in the local community, and I attended munches and parties on a regular basis.Sometimes, I'll receive messages on either one or both websites from men seeking a Dominant woman for a relationship, or perhaps men or women with a spanking fetish. I always ask questions so I can figure out who is serious and who is a wanker. I always ask if they are married or attached, and whether or not their S/O knows about their desires. I understand that some women panic or get upset about men who want a DD or BDSM relationship, but I resent it when the man (it's always the man) hides it, and expects me to be "discreet."

      I am discreet anyway, but women can often tell when their man has been with another woman, sexual or not (and I'm always nonsexual)and I don't want or like confrontations. I hope that answers your question. If not, feel free to ask more.

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    5. Thanks for taking the time to explain your circumstances. I know about polyamory; one of the couples we are closest with live that way. In their case it's kept secret and in a way we have felt honored that they share so freely and completely with us.

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  2. This male response, I'm open, hide nothing. When asked about sexual desires, either in bed or not, I come right out. The subject of spanking is my desire and few women can accept that, I understand. The woman I married, was shocked while dating how open I was. I just told her, you asked a question I gave you a answer. As for my desire of being spanked I showed her my spanking magazines, we were in bed and I just got up and brought them to her, she noticed right away I was erect. She smiled looked at them and said she needed to think about it. A couple of weeks or so later I found myself across her lap, she was very good. She did say that all spankings will not be foreplay, that some will be a serious spanking, I agreed. So being open is not what males do and really females do, I have been. I've paid the price, but when asked a question, I give a honest answer. Mat

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  4. I admit it's hard for me to put myself in the other person's shoes on this one. I see DD as part of my relationship with my wife, but only one part. I wouldn't like it if it was removed, but it also isn't such an obsession for me that I would consider going to a pro or a willing other woman. And certainly not enough to lie to get it. But, I recognize there may be men for whom it rises to that level of compulsion.

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    1. And you bring up a good point: I'm not a pro. Is it wrong of me to expect anything in return? A single man would be doing things for me, so why not a married man as well?

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    2. Dan: I see your point, but........your wording intrigues me. It's interesting that you used words like "obsession" and "compulsion". I guess I have intellectually rejected any notion that what I want in my relationship is any different than what the average person wants in theirs.

      My feeling is that if you stuck the average vanilla in an environment where.....let's say 'kissing' ...was considered disgusting (and if you think about it, it actually is) and this person could never get to kiss anyone......kissing could very well develop into an obsession or compulsion.

      Whenever I have been in a relationship where my kinky needs were being met, even infrequently, I never obsessed over them. It is only when something intrinsic to you is denied that it can become a driving force.

      In all honesty, I wonder how I would behave after a period of being denied the ability to fish, garden, or enjoy a nice craft beer? Interesting notion to ponder.

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    3. Merry: any activity you feel is a 'quid pro quo' for you, IS a valid 'quid pro quo'. I tend to agree that there are no free lunches.

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  5. Valid point. I do think anything that becomes the end all and be all of a relationship, to the point that it becomes something you cannot do without, is a problem. I get your kissing example, but I see that as a little different, because kissing and hugging are so closely associated with basic affection in most people's minds that not giving them would to most people seem almost abusive or be an indication that the person refusing to provide them didn't love the other person. Spanking as real punishment seems a lot more complicated to me. There are some people who would truly feel like an abuse if they were asked to inflict pain on another person. If it is something that so plainly repels them that they just can't do it, but everything else in the relationship was great, I personally would keep the relationship and forego the DD. And, I don't think that doing so would make me obsess more about it. It might, but I don't think so. That's what I meant when I said I can't really put myself in the shoes of someone else for whom it is such a big deal that they would walk away from the relationship to get it.

    I am, btw, one of those people who just could not be on the other side of the paddle. I could probably give an erotic spanking, though I don't think I would enjoy it, and there is no way I could discipline a woman using spanking.

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    1. Well, it's probably good that we aren't identical twins in everything. Keeps things interesting. I completely understand what you are saying and I believe you are probably in more of a majority than my admittedly militant view.

      I so completely identify myself as a "kinky person" that I could probably live without the hugging and kissing more easily than living without a D/s dynamic. And I suppose it is in that vein that I regard my desires as just as valid as any other requirement that non-kinky people expect or 'need'.

      I wrote once before about how many laws there are regarding the expectation of intercourse in marriage. A spouse can divorce over the withholding of it. People can sue for damages if an injury results in their spouse's inability to perform sexually, etc. So, despite all the talk of 'love' being the most important thing, vanillas have historically ensured their ability to have sex as well. I see my interests as just as important even if they are not protected by laws to the degree intercourse is.

      (hmmm this could make for a good post topic. thanks!)

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    2. The line between interest and compulsion is obviously a fine one. Is the guy who keeps posting nonsexuiturs on your blog and mine obsessed with certain spanking scenarios, or just interested in them? His interest obviously goes far enough that he seeks to impose it without any kind of quid quo pro on innocent bloggers who he sees as an outlet for his fetish. Kind of like the users in Merry's original comment. :-) Though, from his perspective it may be just a passionate interest.

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    3. I've given this a bit of thought and I think there is a connection and a difference with regard to the individual you refer to as "OCD-boy". While I can't be positive, the clues and my gut tell me that this person does indeed have the interest just like I do. However, I do not believe this person is able to realize his desires and so compensates with non seXquiturs all over the blogosphere under various names.

      But while this individual's approach is definitely more annoying, it is not entirely unlike the much more acceptable posts, comments, etc. I see all of the time that come from people with a similar problem: interest but no action.

      Often these seemingly innocent posts will annoy me in very much the same way OCD-boy's comments do. It is also the driving annoyance behind me creating "Caption Hell".

      But if you distill (and know you like the sound of that word) it all down, the behaviors that get annoyingly compulsive and obsessive are almost ALWAYS (though not 100%) found in people whose interest would probably manifest itself in far less annoying ways if their needs were being met.....even partially.

      Oscar Wilde wisely observed: "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."

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    5. Speaking of OCD-Boy . . .

      I am a huge Oscar Wilde fan, and I generally agree on yielding to temptation whenever possible. I'm not as sure about whether doing so gets rid of it or exacerbates it. Looking at my cell phone frequently seems to result in me having a greater compulsion to look at my cell phone frequently. I give in to sugar more than I should because it is habitual. If I stop doing it for a few days, my craving for it starts to diminish. More to the point, there seem to be a lot of men posting to my blog who have been fascinated by spanking for years, and still are despite having that need met by wives, girlfriends and others. So, I'd say the evidence seems mixed at best on whether feeding a desire tames it or feeds it. Also, I'm convinced that there are just personalities who are more compulsive than others, and they are going to be drawn to certain behavior no matter how often their itches get scratched.

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    6. (Comment removed for being a non seXquitur)

      Mat: "Mat, question, do you discourage people from your blog?"

      Yes. I have only two rules for posting. Two. Not Ten, not even three, just two. If a person can't follow those, I discourage them from commenting here since there is an understood minimal level of intelligence and compliance necessary for participating in the manner I seek.

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    7. Dan: OK, you got me. Giving in to a compulsion can definitely make it worse. Sounds clever though.

      (Going to go count all of my toothpicks now.)

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    8. I would have suggested tequila instead of toothpicks, but to each his own.

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    9. Reminds me of that joke you see on T-shirts: "1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor."

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    10. GEEZ! Talk about non seXquiturs!

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  6. By the way, regarding your response to "Mat," I had someone (may have been him) ask recently if there was something wrong with the comment feature on my blog, because he had tried to post a couple of times but they never appeared. I explained that I had content moderation on because someone kept trying to post stupid, off-point, poorly written drivel, but if that didn't describe his submissions, he was welcome to resend and I would post them. Dead silence.

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    1. Dead silence? It must be the comment feature then for sure. You should definitely look into it. But wait about a month or six before you do, and give it a chance to correct itself 😏

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    2. Agreed. Though, I think I need to just forego comment moderation entirely. When I have it on, I keep logging in several times a day to approve, in order to keep the conversations going. But, I really don't have time for that. Probably better to just leave the moderation off and just delete the stupid shit once a day.

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