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Thursday, September 21, 2017

Advice.....

.......from a werewolf:


Wolfman Joe (before)

"Hello, I'm Wolfman Joe. I know it's not even October yet, but if you take Halloween seriously, you need to start getting ready now. Take me for example. I first became a werewolf just last year.....and it was a very last-minute transformation. And, as you can see from the picture above, I did not start out being the kind of werewolf I truly wished to be. I was just too new to the role.

"Some people think all you need to become a terrifying werewolf is to be born the seventh son of a seventh son.....with a pentagram emblazoned in your palm. Or maybe just get bit by another werewolf....if you can find one.  But I'm here to tell you becoming a truly scary werewolf in the era of Planned Parenthood is not as simple as just taking a stroll on the moors. I mean, hell, we don't even have moors in New Jersey. It takes effort.

"Just look at me. Yeah, I had the fangs and hair, but I still sort of looked like you could get me to leave you alone just by tossing me a dog biscuit and saying, 'here ya go, boy'. Pathetic. Where is the panty-wetting terror? Where is the sense of impending doom? 

"No, I knew I needed to up my game......so I started by strengthening my core.


"Once I no longer had the spine of a bedroom valet, I knew I was on my way to becoming more than a furry coat rack. Next I needed some claws. Last year I was just a head peeking up over the back of a chair with nary a claw in sight. What kind of werewolf attacks with his hands in his pockets? No, I needed hands. So I got these....


"But even these paws needed some work. They were meant to be worn like gloves and I had no fingers. They also needed to be poseable and they needed something better than a cheesy spray paint job in China. And....... from all that time in my pockets, it only made sense that my palms be hairy too. I got ALL of that...... and more! And now? Now I'm nearly ready to do some serious eviscerating.

Wolfman Joe (after)

"Isn't that scarier?! I'm huge! I'm buff! Hell, I'm hulking out of my shirt! I have very little extra now to do for Halloween....just a few tweaks.....and a better location. Maybe I can practice my howling?

"So, if YOU want people to fear that you might tear out their innards for a moonlit dinner......take the necessary steps now! Halloween will be here before you know it!"

 ---------------sincerely, Wolfman Joe

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