As a result, I now use my instincts to dismiss people that I suspect are imposters without a lot of self-doubt. Most of the time my instincts have served me well......but I am not infallible.
Recently I have come to believe that I may be wrong about someone I have interacted with elsewhere. I still have some doubt.....but in all fairness the doubt has diminished considerably over time. Further complicating the issue is the fact that this person comes across as someone I would probably not get along with if we were to ever meet. Not that she's bad, or crazy, but just has certain traits and thoughts that conflict with my own.
But.....here's the thing: I KNOW I have not been very nice to this person.....because I believed them to be fake. Now that I don't think she's fake, I am feeling bad about how I interacted with her. I feel like I owe her an apology, and if the situation presented itself, I think I would do just that.
Now those of you reading this are probably thinking: "OK, I get it. It makes sense. But what's so awkward about admitting a possible mistake and regretting the behavior that went along with it?" Well, it's because the situation falls squarely into a kind of "DD weakness" of mine. One that I described a bit in the "Larry's Story" portion of my two-part story, The Raffle. (link)
I sort of have this 'thing' about feeling genuinely guilty over behavior I have come to regard as mean with people I don't particularly like. And as a result, I have begun to imagine a ......shall we say......more elaborate resolution than a mere online apology.
First off, this person is admittedly an experienced disciplinarian, and one who is unashamed to admit enjoying the role. So IF she were to ever punish me, I'm sure it would be thoroughly punitive and I'd be in for one sore hinder! You would think that would be a deterrent......but for me in this instance, it's a huge attraction.
Second, she seems to be of a certain 'proper' and conservative character. Something that always makes me a bit apprehensive, since I am more of an iconoclast. And while comfortable in my rebel uniform, I do have this stereotype of rebels as undisciplined idealists who could benefit from established structure. On one hand I know this is silly, but it fits a kind of Hollywood notion of what personality types are like.
Third, I am sure she is as aware of my past cantankerousness as I am and other than probably not wanting to interact with a guy who is not her husband, might think some time with me over her lap could be satisfying.
So, we have two people who both know which side of a paddle they belong on. We also have admitted rudeness that now seems to have been misplaced.......so there's a clear offense that is not being contested. Put these together in the right situation and you might end up with something like this:
"So do you still think I'm not real?"
Now, I am sure this will never come about. There are so many issues that would make such an outcome highly unlikely......and yet? I can't seem to shake the idea.
In my adult, consensual-spanking past, I have probably been spanked by almost dozen women who were as different as can be imagined.....and yet? I can't say I was ever spanked by someone I didn't like at the time. It has always been a nagging unanswered question as to how I would react to being spanked by someone I was not particularly fond of......but who had good reason to do it. I imagine all sorts of conflicting feelings. I could see myself agreeing to the punishment but vowing inwardly to resist letting it crack my stoicism, not wanting to let this other type of personality win. And while maybe I could manage it, deep inside me is some strange voice rooting for her to reduce me to an apologetic mess. (See my story Pride. LINK ) It's a dizzying web of tangled contradictions.
This situation is ringing all of those very unique bells.......and I find that awkwardly appealing.