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Monday, November 11, 2019

Personal shift

If you look at the header introducing this blog, you'll see that my self-description says "lifestyle practitioner of BDSM" even though a lot of the more personal posts here have usually described the "DD" aspect of it much more frequently.

However, for a while now, I have found myself feeling less and less connected with fellow DD-ers, and too often their anecdotes and views on DD have brought out feelings of bewildered irritation in me rather than a sense of connection. Sometimes this has resulted in me not participating to the degree I used to, and sometimes even prompted me to write rebuttals from a more cynical perspective. The truly odd part of that was that I wasn't even aware of why I was feeling so irritated at the time. Now I think I do.

After a lot of self-analysis, I now understand what has happened: my interest in DD has simply waned in light of other needs. When Rosa and I were a younger, fresh couple, we spent a lot of time fooling around and experimenting, with DD being a big part of an even bigger chunk of interaction, but now, ten years or so later, with me on the cusp of turning 60, we have settled into a pattern of less frequent interaction as most couples do. And I think that when the time and mood is right for us, I find myself reluctant to spend it as a punished miscreant. Instead, given everything I do and all the effort I make on a daily basis, I want to feel appreciated and treated, treated to "play", fun, love, and even praise. And while I still think chastity is the best policy for me, and remain committed to the 'rules', I find that a nice sanctioned 'o' every now and then is something I look forward to more than being held "accountable" for behavior.  In other words, my need for 'reward' and 'fun' has overtaken my past need for 'correction'. 


Smiles instead of frowns.....but a bottom just as red!

The surprising thing about this though, is that I'm not looking for any big changes. I'm not going to negotiate an end to our DD arrangement. I will still adhere to our "House Rules" and still willingly accept punishment for the more obvious and flagrant violations (though this is so infrequent I doubt there will be many occurrences and my guess is that the ones that DO occur will be 'lighter' in seriousness.....more like 'excuses to punish' linked to actual misdeeds, but minor ones) . So, given this long preamble, you might be wondering: "well what IS changing?" And the answer is, "not much." It's more of a shift of emphasis than a change in overall lifestyle. 

I see my ideal type of interaction with Rosa being more BDSM-ish: Pampering with some twist, teasing and foot worship, spankings for display of dominance rather than for behavior, experimentation with other ways to inflict sexy pain, and O's for both of us. (OK maybe more for her than me, but that's just part of the 'game') LOL

Posts here will continue to look not that much different than they ever have with a blend of topics and anecdotal revelations of personal adventures of various types. I'm still the kinky me I have always been. What will change  will be my involvement elsewhere online.  I am probably going to have to scale back my DD interactions since I will be more like a BDSM outsider than a DD INsider. This will also prevent exchanges "going South" due to my inability to relate to what is being discussed. So no one should take this the wrong way. And because I have come to feel connected with many folks out there, I do want to maintain those relationships to the degree I can.....I'm just going to have to figure out what that level is.

20 comments:

  1. Makes sense to me. Why stick with any lifestyle that isn't serving your current needs and wants, and those do change over time at least for most people. I've always said that DD is a *part* of my life and my marriage, not the end all and be all of either.

    I feel like right now we are drifting more toward FLR, not necessarily at the expense of DD but, as you said, with a change in emphasis. So, I sympathize with wanting to put one aspect of kink in its place to make way for another. Though, like you, I don't think I will change the focus of my blog, but for a different (maybe opposite) reason. Whenever I have taken things in the FLR direction in the past, what I get is a flood of Femdom subs, and I find most of them incredibly annoying with all their "my Mistress is a goddess and I am blessed to be allowed to lick the dog poop off her boots" crap.

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    1. The weirdest part of all this is that I didn't realize that with all the irritating feelings I was having, the answer was so simple. Once I just asked myself: "what do you actually want right now?" the answer ended up being geared towards a more relaxed and playful way to live.

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    2. I'm glad you got a simple answer. When I ask myself that question, I always get back about a dozen answers, including keeping at what I am already doing. Have too many choices can be more paralyzing than having too few

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    3. I think that's possibly why it took so long for me to figure it out: a dogged stubbornness to stick with something that clearly was just aggravating me. But there's no sin in going in a slightly different direction, and the thing of it is.....it IS a pretty slight difference.

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  2. Yes! Welcome to our neck of the woods!

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    1. Or more accurately, "welcome back". I used to be more BDSM-ish and playful before getting into more serious DD. This is more of a revisiting.

      (And nice to see yo visit for a change, Stranger. ;-) LOL)

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  3. Glad to see you know what you want and are going after it. Too many times people stumble around with no direction. Always enjoy your blogs even if I do not agree. My situation is somewhat different than yours but I do find some common ground. Enjoy life.

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    1. Thanks, Joe. No problem on differing views here. Sure, I'll argue, but I certainly don't want a base of sycophants.

      As for this? It's not going to be very noticeable to anyone but me I think.

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  4. not much to add to what has already been said. As time goes on we all change in different ways. I'm glad you found what you need.
    archedone

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    1. Thanks, archedone. Like I mentioned earlier though, it really is more of a shift in my perspective and emphasis than a major change in action.

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  5. I think the important thing is not what you are doing, but that you are doing something. Whether DD or FLR, it seems to be a way to provide spark and interest to the relationship.
    Over the past 5 years since I first brought up the topic of my submissiveness to my wife, we have gently explored different aspects.
    We are still searching for the balance of common ground between what I would like, based upon my strong submissive and masochistic cravings, and what my loving wife is comfortable with. I do believe that she appreciates the benefits of my submissiveness and service to her, particularly related to dishwashing and dusting.
    Of course, there is the inevitable change based upon age!

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    1. Very well put. Thanks for the post, Bill. And I think it's relevant that you are talking about your experience in a 5 year window. I've been with Rosa for over 10 and doing kinky lifestyle stuff since I was 19. So a lot of changes for me over that time. Some driven by me, others as compromise to the people I was with. And that 'age factor' is more significant than I would have predicted just a few short years ago.

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  6. Hi KD,
    While I am still way more on the DD side of the spectrum, I can totally relate on the "...when the time and mood is right for us, I find myself reluctant to spend it as a punished miscreant."

    For us, we have quite limited time alone, and one of the biggest obstacles to doing anything during the limited windows of alone time is it just feels so good to kick back and relax and enjoy being with each other.

    On the other hand, I do still very much crave the discipline, and unlike you, I don't necessarily feel like I would like a little recognition for once, but that could very easily change in the coming years as we are together longer.

    Anyway, congratulations on your epiphany!

    -ZM

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    1. Thanks, ZM. I'm curious as to how long you've been at this? I'm not sure if that makes a difference as much as circumstances though. Either way, I'm calmer. Before I felt like I had to live up to some "DD standard" that whenever I read stuff from others realized I was failing at in some way. Terrible way to approach one's own life.....through the window of others.

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  7. My personal thought is that FLR and BDSM are siblings and DD and FLR are more distant cousins.

    Even when you go into a kink website, there are those who believe in "one true way." Even if we are both using the same name for something, if we broke it down, it would be different.

    The only thing that has changed here is your name for it. You're still doing the things that work for you.

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    1. Actually, that's very true. Not much has changed except my perception of it and goal for it.

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  8. So does the attitude of your spanko-dominant partner (Rosa) affect how you perceive a spanking from her, whether more as fairly intense play or more as true discipline? Both her mindset and yours would contribute to the emotional 'feel,' I'm figuring.

    Most of your real-life accounts strike me as some mixture of BDSM (intense play) and DD (behavior-modifying punishment), however they've generally struck me as considerably more of the former than the latter. Still, even a supposed "purely punitive" paddling would likely bring its consenting recipient some kind of gratification (beyond improved conduct), even if subconscious at the time, I'm figuring.

    I did appreciate the photo, since of course (to me anyway) it's preferable that, whether the spanking is for discipline or play, the woman delivering it should be enjoying herself... --C.K.

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    1. Sorry, CK, I missed this.

      The attitude and the rationale are very crucial for me. More than my own mood for sure. I would say that your perception of my exploits from the last ten years or so, is not the way I see it. I do think the majority of our exchanges were purely or mostly DD. Our BDSM stuff usually revolved around other activities like various BDSM toys and games.

      Right now though, I'm feeling neutral on nearly all of anything kinky or sexual. I feel like a busy home entertainer with a focus on menus and decor.

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  9. Good luck, KD, and I hope this shift is really good for you. I will miss some of your stories, the DD F/M fiction - it's always been some of the best!

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    1. Thanks, "anonymous". I doubt the 'shift' will affect my creative output.......which has been in a sort of limbo for a while now. I have an idea for another story that is finished in my head and just needs the right motivation to put it down in writing. (It's a F/f mother/daughter historical piece where a grandmother admonishes her daughter about her treatment of her granddaughter based on something she recalls from her own childhood........in Germany in the 30s-40s. )

      One thing though, we do ask that "anonymous" contributors add some sort of fictional name to distinguish themselves from other "anonymous" contributors. Thanks

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