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Monday, January 13, 2020

False hope


So.....it happened again. Once more, just as things seemed to be looking up and seeming promising on multiple fronts, every flicker just went out in one gust. For several days Rosa and I had one good experience after another all building towards a seemingly  mutual desire to "get back to normal/ get back to having fun". We went places, joked with friends, opened up about a multitude of things, and just when it seemed like we were well on our way, she saw some little thing in the kitchen that triggered an anxiety attack......which triggered a moody withdrawal......which prompted me asking what happened.......to her telling me about these little things that upset her, things that were there the day before and the day before that and which at that time DIDN'T trigger her anxiety, little things in the midst of a solid chunk of major stuff that got done. 

So we argued and I tried to explain how what she was doing was affecting me and the rest of us in the house. I explained that it's OK to have pet peeves that annoy us, but that the response needs to be PROPORTIONAL. In fact, she used an example of a reverse situation that I was actually able to use, gently, to show how what I was saying to her now, was very nearly exact to how she tries to point out when MY responses to things aren't proportional.

I think I got through, but the damage was done, and the evening shot dead.

On another note, I texted Nickki Friday with an invitation to visit the blog and left it at that. She said that she would do so soon, but it's Monday and I haven't seen a comment or gotten a text......so I'm considering that the "offer" is probably dead as well. Ana has also repeatedly promised to visit .....especially those posts that concerned her.....and that hasn't happened either.

So a lot of the positive momentum I felt a day ago has hit a dark wall.  I have also visited Dan's blog and been struck by how many people don't seem to have the issues I have. Things seem to work out better for people who sometimes sound like they don't even accomplish what I do. (At the peak of my frustration in my argument with Rosa, I lost my temper and railed, "nothing seems like it's enough. I need to know, WHO ARE YOU BASING your disapproval on? WHO is this paragon of productivity and perfection that I should aspire to be like? I want to know who he is. I want to meet him!" )

Other DD couples seem to have way more things that lead to resolution and connection, but Rosa doesn't address the flaw in a teasing way and let it lead to a correction, instead she just completely withdraws as if the small flaw she found was as serious as me cheating on her or blowing the mortgage money on a horse race. I told her it's like walking through a minefield that doesn't end. Yeah, if careful you might make it past a bunch of mines with no problem, but if you go on long enough, odds are pretty good that you are going to step on one. And it doesn't matter much if you deftly navigated 20 mines......if you step on #21.


18 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear all the momentum sputtered.

    I wouldn't read much into what other commenters say on my blog or anywhere else. People share what they share. Some may share more of the things that work and fewer of those that don't. I also think some male commenters on FLR-oriented blogs are very gun shy about sharing anything that sounds like a criticism of their spouse because (a) their wives may also be readers and might not like that kind of "over" sharing; or (b) they risk having the misguided Femdom-ers come raining down on their heads with a bunch of "how dare you criticize your Goddess" nonsense.

    I offer this in the absence of knowing what exactly set Rosa off, but is this an example of the epiphany you came to a few weeks ago in which you realized the BDSM and erotic parts of this lifestyle are working well for you, but the DD/FLR just isn't? I'm reading into how you describe the situation, but it sounds like this was something she came down on you for, so kind of exercising HoH-style authority over you? For some people, being put in charge is confidence building and status affirming, but for others it's just more pressure than they can deal with. So, is the answer to go back to what you said you wanted a few weeks ago -- living the BDSM and erotic part of the lifestyle and just dropping the power exchange aspect?

    Sorry if my assumptions about the nature of the problem are off base. It's always easy to diagnose and advise on someone else's problem, especially in the absence of all the background.

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    1. Thanks, you might be right about the blog comments. n fact Danielle's comment recently, while upsetting about Wayne, at least sounded like: "YEAH! That's what happens here....except the trigger is not a health issue."

      But one 'couple'there talked about all of these punishments and I wanted to say, "Jeez! how can you punish the guy for not getting anything done when you're taking up all of his time with punishing? No wonder he's not getting things finished!"

      My situation here is complicated and has very little or better yet, NOTHING to do with DD or my attitudes toward it or hers. In fact, if these minor things were dealt with with a wink and a "hey I know you got a lot done, but you missed this thing here. Why not take care of it now and later I'll 'take care of you' for forgetting it." I might shrug and go along with it. But instead, she sees something minor but it triggers a major anxiety attack and she loses interest in EVERYTHING and gets moody and withdrawn. So there's no threat of DD that I'm resisting in these instances, instead it's like......we work towards getting a mutual desire to reinstate DD, joke about it, and then instead of using it, these anxiety attacks make her averse to anything DD-related or fun-related at all. And believe me when I tell you these issues she notices are flyspecks among the mountains of accomplishments.

      Her perceptions are being driven irrationally by association with my late Mother's and current brother's "Hoarding". It messed her up and now she'll see some little thing in a house that visitors praise to high heaven and she'll say, "we're going to end up like your brother!" And I lose it. There is NO comparison. I told her yesterday that when she says stuff like that it sounds like an anorexic looking in the mirror at their bony, sunken body and saying, "ugh! I look fat!"

      The thing is, she is one of those "I'm not going to a therapist EVER!"-people, although she could use one for several things. But, I'm the best she has right now, but I'm getting depressed with the futility of it all.

      And it seems like this issue of me feeling like I'm fucked no matter what I do is like a life-anthem for me! It is repeated over and over in so many areas. It just scares me to see it popping up here with Rosa......who I thought I would never have that problem with.

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    2. Deleted my earlier email for typos. What I intended to say was:

      Got it, and just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting that this was an example of you resisting DD. That would, indeed, be pretty fucking simplistic. My quandary was whether this was part of her exercising some kind of authority, whether or not tied to DD, and maybe that just shouldn't be a part of your relationship at all. My point was that if there is really erratic leadership going on, then maybe in self-defense you just can't have her acting in a leadership role. I'm sorry that probably sounds critical of someone I don't even know, and I don't mean to be so. It just does seem like a lot of your dissatisfaction is tied to feeling like you are being subjected to unfair and erratic uses of authority, and maybe that's because that is precisely what is happening. It could be that there simply isn't a way to make the decision-making less arbitrary, so there is no solution but to remove the authority.

      But, it sounds like that is not what is going on, the whole power dynamic is irrelevant, and this is more just a plain old anxiety disorder. It's too bad she is so resistant to therapy. I assume that includes even regular old medical doctors? Some drugs can obviously make a huge difference for anxiety and depression.

      It's hard for me to comment on the hoarding aspect, as it is a big bone of contention between Anne and me. Her mother and father were hoarders, and it was depressing just to enter their house. She too has some significant hoarding tendencies, and she finds all sorts of excuses not to get rid of anything. Old clothes, magazines, receipts, etc. I sometimes feel like we're drowning in her clutter, and she gets mad anytime I throw something out without asking. But, it sounds like Rosa's aversion to it is on a scale far surpassing my own.

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    3. I looked it up and there actually IS a disorder for people with the opposite issue of hoarding called "Compulsive decluttering disorder". I read examples and most of it does not fit Rosa but small snippets do. She obviously has a milder form of it, but even that I think is something that was made worse by exposure to y brother's mess.

      And you are right (I think) in that this really has nothing to do with power play, but is rooted in anxiety. It's the same reason she becomes really weird when a party is looming and she'll start getting irritable and then compulsively clean something in some remote area of the house like the basement where no one is going to go, instead of helping me get ready with the things we actually need for the party.

      Your example sounds like there actually are stirrings of hoarding disorder going on in your place since the comment about her getting mad over throwing useless things away is a classic symptom. (My brother seemed like he was on the verge of rage when we had to empty our mother's house after she died and I started tossing some stuff away......and this stuff was crap.)

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    4. Yeah, she definitely has something along those lines. I truly believe she feels more comfortable with a certain amount of clutter around, particularly magazines and useless junk mail.

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  2. Ah!

    Walking on eggshells. Please remember that many of us just give our highlights, and avoid sharing the not-so-great stuff.

    Things will sometimes get overwhelming for me, and communicating with Shilo (who can be extremely introverted) is difficult for me. My solution was writing him an email about what I was feeling, which not only allowed him process it in his own time, but also allowed him to express what was on his mind without it escalating. I like to avoid escalation whenever possible, and writing gives me that peace of mind. We rarely use it anymore because the effects of less testosterone in his body makes him more open.

    Anyway, maybe encouraging Rosa to use writing to explain her feelings would help. I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and it really does make my mood swings and depression much worse, so writing allows me to use a clear head.

    Just know you don't have to suffer alone.

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    1. Thanks for the sharing and support, Merry. I am confident this will pass and hopefully improve. She definitely has made progress on the pre-party anxiety and she is aware that this is something in her that isn't necessarily good.

      She is not a great communicator in written form and even asks me often to help her write things she needs for stuff. So that isn't going to work. But I think it often works for me.

      I keep going back to your first line. I think it's very true. But I have to wonder why that is? When people only share one side of things it creates a false illusion for others. I can't think of too many instances...though maybe a few......where only presenting one side of a story is good.

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    2. I can answer that question for myself but only for myself and my own blog. I wanted mine to be something like the DWC was, i.e. a resource for people who are positively interested in DD to learn more about it and for those already into it to talk about it. I don't see it as a debate forum where every positive thing about it needs to be offset with some story of how it didn't work for this or that or a place to vent all the relationship problems it won't solve or all the personal issues it likely won't root out. If I have some newcomer to the lifestyle drop by the blog, I see little or no value in giving them a laundry list of all the problems and hurdles they may encounter or lots of negative anecdotes. They will undoubtedly encounter lots of relationship problems all by themselves, some of which discipline might help and others that it won't. I don't see the purpose of the blog as providing a place for detractors to point out how something that worked for someone else didn't work for them or to harp on all the various failings of my my relationship with my wife. It is meant to be a resource, not a scholarly study on both sides of the issue. Hell, if I wanted that I'd ask Gravano back.

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    3. Interesting. I can see how that would likely be the case for encouraging a newcomer, but I recall times on other sites and forums in the past where I personally felt I learned more from the setbacks and failures than the success stories....but then I wasn't approaching it as a newcomer, so I appreciated the grittier aspects. Even recently I found myself feeling reassured that I wasn't alone in things when I read Danielle's latest comment. Hers wasn't a rosy feel-good, but it was helpful nonetheless.

      Any new venture...or adventure....is usually accompanied by a desire and perhaps even an expectation for success, so if that success happens, it's what we were hoping for and maybe expecting all along. But it's the pitfalls that we don't expect. And a novice is really not going to know to look out for them. I think it can just as helpful to hear what could go wrong or what to watch out for based on someone who has experienced it, maybe more so. It's also good when things don't work and a person can feel they aren't alone...that it didn't just happen to them. Only hearing how everyone else succeeded is only going to make that person feel more like an isolated failure.

      Let me put it this way: if I was going on an adventure vacation to explore a jungle and the brochure showed all the best stuff, I'd probably expect my vacation to go that way. But if someone who had been there said, "yeah, you might see that animal, but it's possible you won't because they're very shy. And the room is as nice as the brochure shows, but watch out for the patch of quicksand next to the path to the dining pavilion." as someone who didn't expect these things, I'd definitely appreciate the heads up.

      I think alternate relationship stuff is trickier than standard relationships and prone to things that are second nature to people in them, yet totally unexpected to those who only have tasted vanilla.

      Still, now knowing this is your intention, I'll avoid posting the negative flipsides to things on your blog. I just liked providing the balance of it.

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    4. Like everything, it's a balance and a matter of degree. If I was writing a book on fitness, I'd talk about how to exercise safety. I'd talk about realistic expectations around muscle gain and weight loss. I'd talk about the dangers of extreme diets or how some exercises could produce injuries if done incorrectly or to an extreme. But, I wouldn't counter every "before and after" picture of someone achieving great results with a profile of someone who failed or an article by someone who thinks exercise is pointless because people try it and it doesn't get the results they want.

      And, I think it's hard for people who are actually into DD and D/s to NOT put a positive spin on them. I mean, look at your website with DD stories, drawing and cartoons/ How many stories do you have on there that put a negative spin on DD scenarios or that point to negatives of DD relationships?

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    5. Also, I do think that dealing with things that don't go right or difficult lessons learned can be helpful. But, I think that's different than point to positive things that people convey and casting doubt on it or insisting it be balanced by something negative or by some qualifier.

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    6. It's fine. It's your blog. If you want to set qualifiers for the types of comments you want, that's your prerogative. Some folks will spend big bucks for the benefits of a Peloton, and you're offering a sort of Peloton for DD-ers free. So I'm sure it's appreciated by the majority. That motivational sort of stuff has never been my thing though, so I will keep my comments to myself. I just felt funny when you would comment here if I didn't comment there. It didn't seem fair. But if it's what you prefer, I'm OK with it.

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    7. I think you must be in a mood, because that's not what I said or suggested at all. I don't know how you take my exercise metaphor and turn into something where I don't want any comments suggesting the realities that offset the fantasies.

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    8. Maybe, but I re-read it and it seemed that way. I'll take your word for it though, because I am in a pretty paranoid state, even with the progress made. ( It actually seemed like your post was directed straight at me and the way I comment and even felt like a thinly-veiled warning to back off. I am sincerely glad it wasn't.) I think I just need to feel like I'm on more solid footing with people. I feel pretty isolated from everyone right now.

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  3. Merry's description of the experience of "walking on eggshells" is somehting I had in a prior marriage. All I will say about that is I understand completely how difficult and frustrating it is. When nothing is ever enough stating motivated is really tough. Hang in there Pal. You have a lot of really extraordinary times with your family too.

    Vis a vis the lack of response to your Blog offers - IMHO consider it more like seeds that have been planted that will germinate in their optional time. Like I often tell people, one can jump around and complain all one wants about how long it takes a field to sprout. But it sprouts when it does.

    Still and all, it's rough water and you are in a flimsy little kayak. Don't lose focus.

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    1. Thanks, Tomy, and yes I do think the foundation here is strong. So maybe things will turn around.

      As an gardener I like your example, but as a gardener....and a seed-planter in other way.....I also know that while a seed will only germinate in its time, some seeds never germinate, and others germinate and then wither due to other factors. I say this because there was a part of me that wasn't all that confident about the blog visits. Both Nickki and Ana are busy people but also people for whom 'blogs' are not their initial, automatic "go to" recreation like they are for others.

      My talks and experiences with each of them paint a different reality as you know, but I think it's because of that reality that when it comes to here, I get too unrealistic in the degree of participation I should expect from them. LOL, Hell, ACTIVE bloggers rarely participate here. LOL.

      Thanks again for your advice and support.

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  4. Crimson Kid (C.K.)January 15, 2020 at 8:32 AM

    Your situation strikes me as rather typical for a person dealing with a partner who has anxiety and/or depression. My wife has both at times, and when she does it's much like your 'mine field' analogy--sooner or later she's going to overreact to something I say or do, and she also becomes highly critical of the way that I do certain things. (That's for a primarily 'vanilla' relationship, I'm figuring it could be trickier and more frustrating for one involving DD. Now that we have privacy at home though, she will sometimes give me a couple of quick pants-down smacks with a paddle to "remind" me of something she wants me to do--which of course I much prefer to her becoming irritated about it.)

    Of course, occasionally I overreact to things she says or does which annoy and/or upset me, although she'll insist that she was merely teasing me playfully. I think that part of what occurs in terms of not 'connecting' is the result of any long-term romantic/marital relationship (with the added DD aspect complicating it), at certain points it's going to happen and it's frustrating.

    As for the two younger women (Ana & Nickki) you mentioned not having checked this (your) blog lately despite your suggestion, it's apparently not all that high of a priority to them, or they may have read it but aren't in the mood (or have the time) for administering belated birthday spankings right now.

    However, I'm just guessing here, I've never known much about women (or girls when I was much younger), what I have figured out has been primarily via 'trial and error' methodology... --C.K.

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    1. Thank you for adding your voice, CK. It actually helps me to hear I'm not alone with these issues. As for my 'other' bosses, LOL, well, like I said, I think it's more about the medium than anything else. Neither are big "bloggers", but Ana has the best excuse because I know she is very busy with classes. Dental school is essentially Medical School for teeth, and while she is brilliant, it's still a lot of work. And it's her first year.

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