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Sunday, January 24, 2021

Tables turned (conclusion)

Picking up from where we left off here is Nickki's next question:

Nickki: If you could get a spanking every three days for a year, do you think you would become immune to the satisfaction it brings?

KDP: Thirty years ago? No. Now? Probably. Hell, I probably would feel the same about fishing if it became that predictable and routine. In fact the only thing I would probably never tire of getting every three days for a year would be a sizable check. LOL

I recently found this grainy shot online and had to look twice thinking someone had managed to secretly photograph Nickki spanking my butt. The similarity to her custom lucite paddle is freaky!

Nickki: What has been the most humiliating thing to happen to you in a dd relationship? 

KDP: Another ‘ouch’. But here goes. I was briefly involved in a play relationship with someone who was fun to play with but who was not a romantic interest. You could say there were several aspects to our interactions and some were definitely dd, though not exclusively so. We were kind of just friends who engaged in some intense stuff together. One day she took me to a BDSM play party at a popular dungeon hosted by a trans couple where each had once been men and were now women. Intellectually I had no problem accepting these people as women even though they were both quite masculine in appearance. Both were as tall as me and even more ‘hard’ facially than me.  

Because I was the newbie guest, my Top suggested beforehand that it would be fitting for me to provide some foot worship to the couple at the end of the party as a kind of submissive “thank you for having me in your home” and would I be OK with that? Again, intellectually it seemed appropriate and fair, and not at all unreasonable. I like feet and these were now technically women, so having never met these ladies, I agreed in advance. But when the time came and my Top offered me up to them I started and every cell in my body screamed “guy feet!!!!!!”. Their feet looked male, smelled male, and essentially WERE male….despite what surgery and hormones had done to the rest of them. I was noticeably repulsed by something I thought I could easily handle, never expecting this turn of events and how my body was reading the situation and causing me to react. I felt bad because I knew I was getting visibly freaked out in front of a group watching us and my mind was telling me I shouldn’t while my body was still screaming. “Guy-Guy-GUY”. 

I could read in the face of one lady that she quickly sensed my discomfort and mercifully cut things short with her, but her partner was not as kind and insisted on the full treatment. It was horrible and this second, meaner lady then called upon someone else to take my place as a sort of “this is how you SHOULD do it” reprimand. It was horribly embarrassing and ruined the entire evening. I told my friend I would never go back and I never did.

Nickki: If you had a magic wand what would be your first wish? 

KDP: Easy! Permanent, godlike powers. And I'm totally serious.



Nickki: What is the most needed item that homeless men and women need and why? 

KDP: I have heard that it is socks but I can’t say I know this for a fact. I would think that the most needed thing for a homeless person would be a home.

Nickki: If you could be one of these who and why? Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg?

KDP: Without question, Musk. The areas in which he made his money are so much more important than having initiated a social media site that has caused more harm than good.

Nickki: What is the attraction to the Renaissance Era for you? 

KDP: Initially it would have to have been the weaponry. However, over time, and after learning more about it, many aspects became fascinating. The music appealed to me immediately and almost viscerally. One thing I have always freely admitted however, is that despite my interest in the period, and despite hosting an annual RenFaire, I would never wish to actually live in that time.

Nickki: What are your aspirations for your blog? 

KDP: My aspirations for my blog have never changed. They are and always have been to foster an environment where kinky people can discuss things with cleverness and depth. I used to cite the old Algonquin Round Table as my ideal. Picture Dorothy Parker with a paddle. LOL

Nickki: Do you hope to become popular on the BDSM webs? 

KDP: Well I suppose one can always hope, and popularity wouldn’t suck…….especially if it resulted in some financial recognition of my writing or cartooning. But I harbor no realistic expectation that such a thing will ever happen. I would be more than content if the original aspiration was ever consistently achieved. And at times I feel we are close. Other times I feel like throwing in the towel. 

Nickki: At what age did you begin drawing your sexually expressive characters?  Do you feel sexually aroused from drawing the women with big boobs etc.?

KDP: Now this recollection is fairly precise. I distinctly remember drawing my first kinky picture when I was in eighth grade. I had this book of regular cartoons and in it was a cartoon of a young lady in panties and bra, slightly bent and holding up a dress on a hanger. I still remember the rhyming punchline. “Of all the mean feelings, there’s no feeling meaner than staining a dress that’s fresh from the cleaner.” I found the pose to be open to……...deviation, and used the cartoon as a kind of model to copy and alter. Soon that innocent young lady was  being whipped and paddled, over and over in a series of drawings. At that time I definitely got off on drawing sexually kinky pictures and even using them as masturbation fodder. Getting off on my own drawings continued on and off throughout my life. However, being kinky, things like how red or welted their bottoms were drawn made more of a difference to me than breast size.(I distinctly recall ruining some decent drawings early on because of being turned on by adding more and more damage to the butts making the end result absurd. But this was because at that early age I was not experiencing BDSM except with myself in secret.) 

Now?  a lot depends on the drawing. And usually I am more interested now in a good illustration or funny punchline than any sexual gratification, since I feel fairly satisfied with my real life experiences and don't need to rely on writing or drawing as a substitute.

Nickki: Is there a difference of satisfaction being over a lap or the table strapped under you?  What is your favorite position?  Why?

KDP: Oh yes! VERY different. But I would not say it’s an issue of “satisfaction” but deeper things. As I’ve admitted before, whether it’s you, Rosa or anyone, going across a lap is simply more prone to feelings of connection. It’s evocative of maternal spankings and even if there’s a pillow between me and the person spanking as there often is to bring my bottom into a better position, I still feel that connection. Humbled, contrite, and yet quite convinced of being loved. Being over a lap would have to be my favorite position.

While I never escape this position without spending the rest of the next day or two wincing when I sit, I can't think of too many other places, I'd rather be, besides my Rosa's of course.

The bed-top rack is different. My appreciation of it is very specific: if I know a particular punishment is going to be difficult to take without involuntary wriggling, I like the reassurance of being strapped in so I can just take whatever is being given and just accept the pain without having to worry about “how I’m going to take it”. The rack gives me no choice BUT to take it. There’s a post on this blog that deals with this. ( January 27, 2020, Hot wings and butts )  And when I knew your intent the day you came over was to make my punishment significant, I suggested the rack to you as well ( June 10, 2020 Overdue but not underdone. Also the current "Featured Post" for quick access). The rack does a very good job of not just keeping me from running away but admirably immobilizing me from being able to make the slightest wriggle. It’s hard to explain how such a thing can be relaxing, especially because the punishments I’ve received while in that rack always ranked among the worst, but it is a fact nonetheless.

This was a harsh punishment but one we both agreed was more than deserved. I have zero resentment for how hard you spanked me that day and actually had a surge of admiration for you, but I was also extremely grateful to the practicality of having been secured in place.

Nickki: Does giving up your ‘man butt’ ever feel like you're giving up your manhood? Why or why not?

KDP: For me the notions of “manliness” are not as significant as those of personal pride. Gender stereotypes have never worked for me and it wasn’t long before I learned to discard them as something more important to others than to me. So while for me the issue is real enough, it is not solely rooted in masculinity…...though that aspect is not entirely absent….but more in seeing myself as a responsible and competent adult, who then permits others to have authority over him.


It’s hard to describe the internal struggle and self-questioning that goes along with submitting to another adult for actual real life behaviors or misbehaviors. While it can feel appropriate, it still challenges the notion of what society defines as being a male or just an adult, being an equal, and having the ability to refuse to accept punitive consequences not imposed by a court, but by a fellow friend. Society respects the individual who makes a mistake, and accepts the consequences. (Get caught speeding, pay the fine, accept the points and hopefully learn to not speed again.) But, other than people who live and understand this lifestyle, what is the public's view of someone like me who doesn’t just enjoy a playful swat as part of a game, but who genuinely accepts the authority of a fellow adult to decide to punish them for misbehaviors that other adults are often just as guilty of? I would be seen as possibly immature, maybe even weak ……….or worse. 

And yet? I have people in my life who don’t see it that way. People who love me and who I trust have repeatedly reassured me that I am at my best when held accountable for my actions in the real world. While a big part of my ability to submit to the authority of select others is based in my honest desire for such accountability, another huge part is the attitudes and beliefs of those very people like you who are entrusted with authority over me. You seeing your own roles as natural, logical, and just “making sense” in a very sincere and straightforward way, impacts me tremendously. It validates my innate inner desire for accountability and silences the doubts that might come from worrying about what the “vanilla others” of the world would think.

Even my own mother thought that this lifestyle was perfect for me and Rosa. She didn’t say I was (or we were) weird, or I was unmanly because of it.  Instead she said I should expel the occasional doubts I confessed I felt at times, and embrace my submissive role fully. Astounding advice coming from a mother to her own adult son….especially since she clearly understood that fully embracing my role as she advised meant getting hard, bare-bottomed spankings from Rosa. Certainly not something conducive to any air of macho, male pride. She understood these weren’t sexy play spankings and stated outright that for a policy like this to work the spankings would HAVE to be serious and painful. Imagine how it felt for me to hear my own mother basically say that if caught in a misbehavior, or accused of being inconsiderate or impatient or whatever, to not argue when confronted, not resist, and not even feel doubt over why I am accepting these seemingly unusual consequences…..but just take what’s coming to me as what is deserved.  Long answer, I know…...but THIS is a huge thing for me.



Nickki: If the dd is not a sexual fantasy fulfilled, what would  be a sexual fantasy for you?

KDP: Well first off, dd as a concept or lifestyle certainly can be a kind of ‘sexual fantasy’ even when the actual mechanics of a more behavior-oriented arrangement of accountability and punishment, can play out in the real world without a sexual component. We are complex beings. That said, something unquestionably sexual would have to be worship. (specifically for me foot and butt worship).  Luckily for me this ‘fantasy’ is something I don’t just need to hope for. I get to live it. 

As for a sexual fantasy not yet achieved? Well, despite the work being complete, and a certain degree of acceptance from Rosa, my fantasy of being subjected to being mechanically ‘pegged’ with the converted jigsaw tool and dildo attachment via Rosa using a remote to turn it on and off has not yet happened.

A fantasy that may soon become a reality? 

Nickki: Have any of your dd experiences ever crossed the line into swapping experience or are you appalled by that?

KDP: I wouldn’t use “appalled” but sexual swapping has no appeal for either of us. That said, involving others in other more playful ways and not focusing on sexual swapping as much as cooperating or being together is certainly appealing. As you as someone who gets to ‘play’ with me well knows.

Nickki: The blog is your baby and your aspiration is for it to reach more people. How large of a dd population do you believe there is? Why? And why does it seem people, even like myself, see BDSM as bondage and S&M without any real understanding of how discipline can be a part of it? And lastly, what are your motivations to reach more people?

KDP: My friend Dan has a blog devoted even more exclusively to DD than mine, where I have done pieces on all sorts of kink. In having participated there and other places, over the years I have come to believe that those whose emphasis is actual punishment for misbehavior is a small subset indeed. Even smaller when you further specify that the  DD dynamic is female-dominated. It seems there are way more male-dominated DD relationships. But even taken as a whole, we are a minority within a minority. 

Why? I think it’s the “reality” of it. I think a lot of kinky people have an easier time accepting any sort activity….even very painful ones, to be more acceptable when they are done for either mutual play, or mutual sexual gratification. Once those people are satisfied that whatever is going to happen is “safe, sane, and consensual”, there’s pretty wide acceptance. But a lot of BDSM people see DD as “too much”. Some bristle at the notion that a spanking is not a fun sensual activity between two play partners who can use safe words, agree on limits, and pretty much enact a dance of dominance and submission within a limited and confined period, but a real punishment for one adult from another. And in the case of DD, NOT limited to a fleeting mood, but a 24/7 lifestyle. To them it reeks of bullying or abuse…..which is weird to me because some of these same people have less of a problem with a Master/slave arrangement than they do with a “Domestic discipline” one.

I don’t think there is a way to reach more people for me that I am willing to engage in. One popular recommendation that has been floated many times in the incorporation of using something like Twitter as either an enhancement to a blog, or even a replacement for blogs in general. I have NO desire to have a Twitter account. When I see the stats for my blog, I see numbers of visits that seem very sizable. The issue for me is translating those silent visitors into interactive participants in discussion. And for me that is a bigger challenge than just increasing viewership. In fact, if my viewership somehow managed to double or triple, while participation remained the same, I would feel like I achieved nothing.

-----------------------------------------------

And that concludes the interview between Nickki and me. Naturally any questions about my answers are welcome as comments. I would like to thank Nickki for taking the time to write up these fine questions and for discussing some of them over the phone when needed. 


20 comments:

  1. "And yet? I have people in my life who don’t see it that way. People who love me and who I trust have repeatedly reassured me that I am at my best when held accountable for my actions in the real world. While a big part of my ability to submit to the authority of select others is based in my honest desire for such accountability, another huge part is the attitudes and beliefs of those very people like you who are entrusted with authority over me." I totally get this. I don't think our DD would ever have worked had my wife not genuinely believed that accountability is good for me.

    As you know, I agree the DD community is pretty small, particularly the F/m variety. And, I think you are right that it is the "authenticity" element is part of what makes it unattractive to many, though it is the element that makes it work for me.

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    1. Thanks again, Dan. And yeah, sometimes I think we are seen as the prime motivators for making what we do work, and there is some truth to it. But the belief in the appropriateness of such an arrangement by the person in authority is probably more important than anything. My hope in saying this out loud in a public interview was my way to let these people know how important their view really is.

      Yes, we've always agreed on your second paragraph. Thanks again.

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  2. This in-depth interview is, in my opinion, an inspiration,for your readers. It is extremely intimate and open and that, in it's own way, role models for others, what it looks like to do that. You are, whether intentional or not, leading by example.
    You referenced Dan's blog and he also does that to a fair extent.

    We are indeed a minority, which I think is pretty cool. I also think it is a lot about being open to ones deeper self and that takes courage and high self awareness. Hence "cool".

    Thanks a bunch for articulating so much of how you experience things. I can't say I have ever self analyzed my F/m orientation to even a fraction of what you have. You have given me a lot to think about.

    And while I am just guessing of course, I think that many of your "lurkers" do indeed derive meaningful benefit from your blog; and undoubtedly have a good time in the process.

    So, if you can set your busy mind to rest about the matters of how many people read you, or why lurkers can't bring themselves to write, I think you'll have more fun again. You're an artist and you gotta do creative, expressive things. This is a good one.

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    1. This moving comment means a lot to me. But I would be remiss to not point out that you have frequently been a similar inspiration for me and (I'm sure) others. You are honest, kind, and experienced. Never underestimate what YOU have inspired in others.

      As for your last paragraph I must say that Covid did a great job in rearranging my priorities, and I don't fret over lurkers as much as I used to.

      And thanks again. Not just for the compliments and participation, but your warm, calming, and inspiring influence on me.....often when I need it most.

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    2. Creativity inspires me. And your miniatures still astound me. I love that stuff.

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    3. There is a custom figure I just did for my son that he has promised to photograph in one of my settings. He has not yet done so. When he does, I will post it. It's a more recent character: A-Bomb.......the mutated version of the Rick Jones character you might recall as the young friend of the Hulk going back to his gamma-bomb origin......which Rick was responsible for.

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  3. Fascinating insights. Particularly the part about your first erotic drawings. I remember thinking around that age that if I started learning to draw then, in ten years time I might be able to produce passable erotica...
    Obviously I never did... I still have the same thought now :D

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    1. Thank you, Q. You mention something I can relate to in a different vein. I love music. I studied piano and I can read music. I'm into Classical music and Jazz and have actually studied both, BUT none of that love, interest, or effort has ever led me to be able to DO it. I have terrible rhythm, I play like someone typing badly, and my singing? It proves people can cringe and run at the same time. So I just figured how to keep music in my life without trying to be something that I just can't do. There's no shame in it. Disappointment? Definitely, but no shame.

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    2. BTW I did spanking erotic "drawings" too. They were barely stick figures as I am not drawing talented at all. But they served the same purpose as what you described.

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    3. Tomy: Interesting. I don't believe you revealed that before. It makes sense though.

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  4. Actually, as someone who is NOT participating in any sort of DD relationship, and who reads at various types of blogs, I would like to share my two cents. I agree that some run away at the notion of DD, yet are fine with M/s dynamics, or Owner/pet etc, where the pet lives in a cage. Personally I dont have an issue with the tag / label / lifestyle, but I find myself veering away from a blog if the "tone" doesn't sit well with me.

    Eg, if it reeks of abuse or when the feelings of a sub/pet/slave's unwillingness to live such a lifestyle come thru but because the top/master etc has dictated that this is the only type of relationship they wish to have, the former feels like they have no choice in the matter. The basic tenet of "consensual" just doesn't seem to exist - and those are the things that really put me off, not so much the type of D/s or dd a couple are involved in.

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    1. These are great distinctions. In my years of interacting with DD couples of both dynamics, I have certainly read things that made me wince, even worry. Consent in DD is complicated. (Dan has dealt with it frequently) But consent is crucial. And some feel differently than I do, but believe me, DD can be just as consent-based as any scene-based BDSM play. Ours certainly is.

      In fact there will be a post on this coming soon, inspired by real, recent events.

      Thank you for your candid participation. You are always welcome to speak here.....even if you are hesitant.

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    2. I am looking forward to your post on consent. There's been more than one time in our, um, interesting marriage that "implied consent" turned into "F.U!" In the heat of a moment.

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    3. Shilo: Thanks, but it will be several more days on that one. But it will be done eventually. You might even find our approach helpful? (similar issues)

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    4. The "rack" picture reminds me of the spanking bench we used to have, though I was never restrained. Merry thought I should be able to control myself and I was (able). Most of our sessions with me on the bench are on video, on spankingtube.
      Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share...

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    5. OK, there, Jimmy Page. ;-) The rack for us is an exception with a practical purpose, but otherwise most of my Tops, including Rosa, feel as Merry does. (And I don't disagree)

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  5. There seems to be a very fine line between M/s and DD relationships, although I'm pretty sure that many people exclusively in one of those relationships may disagree with me.

    I won't bore anyone with the details why, not here, not now anyway.

    I enjoy what you share, and I'm glad to be a part of your readership.

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    1. Many expressions of D/s and BDSM overlap. I agree with you but the differences are significant as well. Some people focus on the similarities whiles others only see those differences. That's just how people are.

      And thank you, Dear.

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  6. May I beg for forgiveness now if my post is a ramble or doesn't make much sense? lol. I am either in the middle of a drop, and/or the beginning of a virus of some sort, so my brain is a tad fried. I did however want to attempt to comment before you moved on. Now if I can just remember what I wanted to say. LOL.

    Ah yes, authentic authority. Not sure if you remember back in our D and L days, but B and I started out what we thought was strictly Dd...pfft how little we knew back then. Anyway, because I was the one with the apparent need, I learned I couldn't just dump control on his lap and then expect him to take it, for he didn't exactly know what that meant ( and in truth beyond action/reaction nor did I). I do remember always wanting it to come from him. I couldn't fathom it working for 'me' if I confessed and he punished (though that has happened when I felt badly about something, but rarely). I needed him to be the one who decided what, where, when, how long and I also needed to BELIEVE it mattered to him. So initial rules that I felt we needed, because you know, blogland was the only template out there, eventually were tossed as they weren't HIS, so for *us* it didn't work. It wasn't an easy transition to authenticity however.

    I use the analogy of gifting him a shirt I liked. He may not have thought it something he'd like but from time to time would put it on, after I reminded him. Over time he grew to not only like it but would choose it. That is when our D/s dynamic took on an entirely new meaning, when he authentically chose it because HE wanted to, or dare I say even needed to.

    As to the BDSM thing, B also realized that he enjoyed inflicting pain, as well as authority over me. So for us there are times ( though not so much since Covid became paramount) where he takes for his pleasure and his only. This does however affect my submission as I am submitting to something I do NOT like, for him. There is still a muddled line between the two as it often seems he prefers that to the work that D/s takes 24/7 but without the D/s part I cannot seem to feel the connection for the BDSM portion to work.

    I think we briefly talked on Fondles blog about accountability and I stated that Dd wasn't about that for us. That was a bit of a broad statement. It is about accountability but not in the sense that I really require it for attitude or chores etc. For me the accountability is to my authentic self. In punishing me, or restetting me even, B is bascially telling me he will not accept the closed off willie. He wants the walls down, no distancing, no barriers between us and for my submission to flow effortlessly because of it. When rules are broken, or I am snippy or curt, he knows something is amiss and I am moving away from who I am.

    On to your post, he saw the photo of you tied up and it peaked an interest in him that has laid dormant due to the distractions of Covid and his work. Hence the 'I might be in the middle of a drop'. Not sure if I should thank you or not. LMAO ( if the A wasn't so damn sore).

    willie

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    1. With a warning like that, how can I squawk if your post spins in several direction? While we do appreciate comments that pertain, yours still does...... it just employs an indirect route. So you're OK.

      Ah, "D&L". >sigh< Anyway, I agree that when one is in the midst of anything the tendency to view it in a skewed light is all too easy. It takes times and experience to discern nuances that may lay squarely in our blind spots.

      I can appreciate your shirt analogy as it applies to DD-D/s-BDSM. I am a mix, but occasionally relate to the accepting of the wanted .....but not by me......activity.

      With DD I believe the 'realness' of if need not be defined by any criteria except the genuine goal(s) for the couple. Whether it's for not making the bed or something more nuanced like authenticity.

      The great thing about ttwd is that it allows me ONE area where I can guiltless snicker at the pain of others. (And I am snickering, but in a good way. ) Glad I could be a factor in bring you some joy and sting.

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