This Kliban cartoon depicts how not to start off.
In a previous post I mentioned that I would explore the various issues and notions that prevent some from finding a compatibly kinky mate. But before getting into the more specific areas of finding a kinky partner, there is a first hurdle that has nothing to do with spanking or D/s. Before finding a kinky mate, ask yourself: "how dateable am I?"
Honestly, kink-aside, what do you bring to the table? Do you possess a sense of romance, charm, humor, intelligence? And while no one can be everything to everyone, a person does need to have some quality besides their inclination to bend over, in order to get things started.
If you say, 'hey, in the vanilla world I do just fine. It's ONLY finding a kinky partner that eludes me,' then fine. Wait for part two. But if you say, 'honestly, I have always had difficulty dating,' then you must realize that taking things to the next step are going to be that much harder.
My advice would be to cultivate a persona that others would find interesting. Being a 'good guy' is a great first step, but in dating there is a lot of competition and you are already going to be at a disadvantage percentage-wise. So to be successful at finding that kinky match, you will need to be something more than that to start.
I really can't go into ALL of the things necessary for successful dating, but there are plenty of resources for this online. Explore them and get confident that you can attract and intrigue a partner in general. If you are ultimately going to reveal a submissive side, let that notion be surprising to her. Have her think, "oh my! This guy is a tiger......and now he's offering to let ME tame him," rather than coming across right from the start as a wimpy person looking for a surrogate 'mommy'.
It's tricky, but ultimately neither of these alternatives will lead to success:
1: I'm so obsessed with kink that I tend to scare people off
2: I'm so afraid to reveal my kinky side, that my relationships never get to develop in that direction
There's a reason 'one-note' songs never make it into a collection of golden hits.
(Part 2, coming soon.)