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Monday, June 5, 2017

Part 1: "Dateability"

This Kliban cartoon depicts how not to start off.

In a previous post I mentioned that I would explore the various issues and notions that prevent some from finding a compatibly kinky mate. But before getting into the more specific areas of finding a kinky partner, there is a first hurdle that has nothing to do with spanking or D/s. Before finding a kinky mate, ask yourself: "how dateable am I?"

Honestly, kink-aside,  what do you bring to the table? Do you possess a sense of romance, charm, humor, intelligence? And while no one can be everything to everyone, a person does need to have some quality besides their inclination to bend over, in order to get things started.

If you say, 'hey, in the vanilla world I do just fine. It's ONLY finding a kinky partner that eludes me,' then fine. Wait for part two. But if you say, 'honestly, I have always had difficulty dating,' then you must realize that taking things to the next step are going to be that much harder.

My advice would be to cultivate a persona that others would find interesting. Being a 'good guy' is a great first step, but in dating there is a lot of competition and you are already going to be at a disadvantage percentage-wise. So to be successful at finding that kinky match, you will need to be something more than that to start. 

I really can't go into ALL of the things necessary for successful dating, but there are plenty of resources for this online. Explore them and get confident that you can attract and intrigue a partner in general. If you are ultimately going to reveal a submissive side, let that notion be surprising to her. Have her think, "oh my! This guy is a tiger......and now he's offering to let ME tame him," rather than coming across right from the start as a wimpy person looking for a surrogate 'mommy'.

It's tricky, but ultimately neither of these alternatives will lead to success:

1: I'm so obsessed with kink that I tend to scare people off
2: I'm so afraid to reveal my kinky side, that my relationships never get to develop in that direction

There's a reason 'one-note' songs never make it into a collection of golden hits.

(Part 2, coming soon.)


  1. K.D.

    Thanks for writing about such an important subject - although one I have not needed to thinking about for many years.

    Until I met my wife, Irene, I had a number of OK, but unfulfilled relationships, as a result of alternative #2 above. We turned out to be compatible, sexually and otherwise, because we were right for each other and we met at the right time.

    It took us a little while to get it all figured out, but we liked each other enough that we never seemed to worry about it. Irene had her own sexual needs by the way, and I think I listened pretty well. So if I listened to her, she is a lot more likely to listen to me.

    Even so, I think I had a sense that she was going to be pretty open-minded in the bedroom.

    I brought up the kinky stuff to begin with. She seemed fine with it, but did not understand how I serious I was. So I had to mention it a few times or a period of months, which was kind of frustrating.

    I had brought up spanking and wearing her panties. She did spank me pretty readily, but sharing my panty fetish took a little longer. But the she ordered me to buy toys so she should violate me, and also took the lead on bondage.

    Mostly we developed this side of our relationship in the early 1980's. But now, 35 years later, we continue to explore. And younger folks may not believe this but sex is more powerful than ever (albeit less frequent).

    Bottom line, listening is more important than talking.


    1. Thanks, Rosco. I really don't know if this will do anyone any good........but it IS a topic and one I can speak about from experience.

      I like you own back story. It actually describes a topic that I will be discussing in one of the follow-up posts: likely and unlikely compromise. Thank you for sharing. I may even mention your example now in that post when I get to it.

      But you have your relationship and I have mine. Dan has his, and Merry hers. Those without may or may not benefit from the series because I tend to think the things necessary are inherent in a person, and they either already know these things and have a relationship.....or they don't and possibly, even if told, won't 'get' it, or won't be able to do it. A little sad and pessimistic, but likely. Still, I am going to think positively and hope that maybe something somewhere helps someone......even a little bit. And that will make it worthwhile.

      Thanks again!

  2. As a Female spanker who is active in both the kink community and on a kink website, one of the things that really bothers me is that so many men watch spanking porn, and it gives them unrealistic expectations of what a female Dominant is like.

    I'm not a man-hating mega-bitch, and I have no interest in humiliation or sissification of a man. Sex rarely comes into the picture,and, when it does, it is negotiated much the same as everything else I do. What I really want is a man that is a man. Masculine, self-assured, honest, and able to express his emotions and desires without fear. And that's just the beginning.

    1. Thank you for sharing that, Merry. While there are rare exceptions, your description of what you look for is very consistent with the other dominant women I've known.

      As for porn in general? I don't object to long as it is being engaged in as a true mutual business venture....without exploitation and abuse. But, even still, it is NOT a good representation of the real world in any arena. It is the main reason I began writing the stories I did; to represent a titillating slice of kinky life that is completely (in the case of some stories).....or at least partially (in others)......rooted in the real world.

    2. Porn is entertainment. I don't object to people watching it, but my hope is that they don't try to carry it into the real world.