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Sunday, February 25, 2018


I have nothing against “professional” Mistresses, Dominatrices (yes Spellcheck that is the correct plural form of Dominatrix), or Disciplinarians. They provide a needed service. And I realize these ladies often end up making a lot of money. But can’t that be enough? You know….do your job, get your pay, have a good life……………...but otherwise shut the fuck up! Please.

I am so sick of articles and interviews with these professionals wherein they pontificate on power and dominance and roles. Now within the D/s, DD, BDSM communities these are not just valid topics, they form the central core. But when two people come into a situation on equal footing and negotiate an agreement wherein the power elements end up drastically skewed, the psychological elements are fascinating. The very reason I blog is to share and compare experiences and thoughts on these factors. But a professional ‘scene’ has an inherently different dynamic.

For any of us who ever collected a paycheck in exchange for goods or services, it is not an alien concept to think of the person or entity cutting that check to be in a somewhat inherently ‘dominant’ position. Even huge corporations spend millions trying to seduce customers. Providers advertise, post references, and otherwise try to convince potential customers that they are the ones to come to. Pro Dommes do the same. And it makes sense. How else would you find them? Or find a good one? BUT…….as a paid service provider, they may be holding the whip…….but they are  not in charge.

Asking a  professional domme about D/s power exchange in an interview is like asking someone who produces and sells reproductions of famous paintings about what it’s like to create a masterpiece of Fine Art. A pro is there to provide needy subs with an outlet for their desires when that person is unable to find such a partner or arrangement in the real world. They may be handier with an implement, they may be experts with techniques through their constant practice…...and in these regards their opinions would indeed be valid. But unless they are talking about their own personal relationships, what can they offer about what it’s like to live a DD lifestyle? They are substitutes for the real thing…...not the real thing.

I don’t blame a pro for wanting to know what their client wants. Even a Top in a regular relationship is smart to know what their submissive partner wants out of the situation. But if your income is dependent on giving your client pretty much exactly what they want…’s kind of hypocritical to discuss how one maintains real behavioral control. A pro’s control is a scripted control…..even if the client insists on an unscripted experience…...they are still paying for that unscripted experience. And if the pro wants that guy to return for another session, she has to work to provide that imaginative adventure.

From some of the interviews I’ve read, a lot of these women have a very skewed view of D/s activities precisely because of their professional status. Others seem a bit deluded. (They remind me of that one particularly obnoxious clerk at the DMV who uses their bureaucratic position to intimidate their customers. Or that snooty waiter who tries to  look superior by making their diners feel stupid.) And then there are the others.  These are the ladies who.......well let’s just say that some may be very sexy…...but obviously didn’t graduate summa cum laude from an Ivy League university. 

So if you are one of those “lifestyle journalists” who like to explore provocative topics: stop interviewing professionals. Go online. Find a real couple and interview them…...and to be really accurate, do that with another five couples and compare notes. 

And if you are a Pro Domme? By all means keep doing what you’re doing…...but please refrain from speaking for me and thousands like me…….when you really haven’t the faintest idea about what D/s or DD is like when there’s no money involved.


  1. It seems to me to depend a little on what they are commenting and opining about. I don't doubt that some Pro Dommes could have some interesting insights on what men who seek Pro Domme services want and need. For the most part I agree that doesn't necessarily give them any insight into how *real* Domestic Discipline and FLR relationships work. I also assume that they are dealing with a very skewed part of the population of men who are interested in D/s and Femdom relationships, namely those who are (a) so highly motivated toward it that they are willing to shell out big $$ for it; and (b) are either not in real relationships at all or something in their current relationship dynamics prevent them from getting that itch scratched within the context of that relationship.

    I do think it is is possible that some of the Pro Dommes do have some experience that could benefit real couples. Two commenters on my blog, Anna and Peter, began the DD and D/s aspects of their relationship after he confessed to visiting a Pro. Anna ended up getting tips from the Pro on how to incorporate DD into their marriage.

    But, for the most part, I agree with you that Pro and "real" relationships just aren't the same thing and may not have a lot to offer each other. But, I feel the same way about some non-Pro BDSM and Femdom enthusiasts, many of whom are awfully preachy about things they think *must* be a part of any power exchange kind of kink, neatly ignoring that DD and BDSM just are not the same thing.

    When dealing with real relationships, I think there is a danger in anything being reduced to a set of rules or categorical "musts" and "oughts." Every relationship is different and each person has their own needs and personal limits. To me, the key is get information and inputs from lots of different sources, then pick and choose those elements you personally gravitate to.

    1. Well I definitely agree with your first sentence. That's why I mentioned they could very well provide advice on certain activities and techniques. And you mentioned other things where their opinions could be worthwhile.

      I suppose my main criticism is when someone does an interview about "the lifestyle" for a primarily curious, vanilla audience and their only sources of information are successful Pro-Dommes. It's just lazy and inaccurate journalism.

      But it's not just lifestyle stuff. Sometimes it's seeking viewpoints that are seemingly sensational but don't really hold up to scrutiny. (If you want to really roll your eyes, visit "All Things Spanking" linked in the margin and scroll back to the story about the young Black Domme.)

      There's an old expression: "Money changes everything". And it applies to much more than just alternate lifestyles. (it's one reason that our house rule is that no one can use our pool table to play for money.)

      As for preachy amateurs? Well there's a topic for another day.......or for your own weekly topic! "Musts" and "oughts". Wow. I guess we can all be guilty of those at one time or another. But that's true for anything that a person feels strongly about......even a chicken soup recipe! ;-)

    2. To me, the issue isn't so much the money, but the lack of an underlying non-economic relationship. The reason the Pro Dommes aren't a good source most of the time for vanilla audiences is, if we're talking about DD, those vanillas are probably in an existing relationship. It's two real people who live together day in and day out. That dynamic is pretty much totally absent from a Pro Domme, but it also would be totally absent from two people who are into BDSM, find each other on craigslist and have a one time hookup with no money exchanged. It's why I get irritated with the BDSM-ers on things like the absolutely necessity of safewords. They are necessary in that BDSM context, because (a) it is meant to be a game to a big extent; and (b) it very well may be between people who don't know each other very well. I'm not saying at all that BDSM doesn't happen within marriages. But, I'm saying that if you go to BDSM parties and "play" with people you don't know, hell yes use a safeword. But, don't tell me I need one when being spanked by someone who has known me for 20 years.

      But, I agree with your general point. If I wanted to learn how to fly a plane, I would take lessons from a flight instructor. I wouldn't watch Sully or listen to an interview with Tom Hanks about playing a pilot in a movie.

    3. LOL You know, I almost used the analogy of seeking medical advice from an actor who plays a doctor on TV....and then you used the Tom Hanks example! Too funny!

      I see your point about the nature of the relationship possibly being of more importance than the financial aspect, but I think even in a temporary "play" situation between relative strangers....when there is no money involved, the negotiations require a different skill set than when someone is essentially 'hiring' a pro to give them what they want. Even in a 'play' situation, an unpaid Top will have much more to say about what's going to happen and the negotiations are either going to work for both parties or they can look for someone more suitable for what they want. And a Top in that situation may use more dominant enticement to get the other party to submit to their wishes, whereas in a paid situation, the sub is hiring the Top. And while a Pro Domme can still refuse a client or their wishes, the money makes it far more likely that the sub is going to be able to orchestrate a lot more of what goes on. A lifestyle Top will probably have their own goals and preferences based on what they want and like and therefore not be swayed by the need/desire to perform well enough to get a nice fee, maybe a bonus, and hopefully repeat business.

      (Great exchange! Thanks!)

    4. Great points.

      I am pretty glad that my DD and FLR needs are met by my wife. I really can't imagine trying to get the same thing from a Pro Domme or what it would take to find a good match. In addition to the economic aspects, how do you know that the Pro isn't working out some deep-seated emotional issues, that they don't just generally hate men and like getting paid for humiliating them, etc. I know I am painting with an awfully wide brush, but the vetting process would seem to require a hell of a lot of work and trial and error.

    5. I'm glad we have the women we have too!

      (Hell, I don't even like to hire professionals to do my wiring or fix my plumbing!)

  2. Replies
    1. Thanks!

      (I just knew I should get myself ordained at some point!)