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Monday, April 1, 2019

Awkward confession

We all have a lot of personal history that prompts us to behave certain ways. In the past I was badly betrayed by an online person who ingratiated herself into the most personal aspects of my life, using heartfelt communications and even shared images. In the back of my mind there were always a few things that bothered me about her and made me wonder if perhaps my 'friend' was not what she seemed, but I dismissed these thoughts in favor of trusting she was real. And as it turned out? She was a 'he' who was using his wife's photos to appear as though it was her talking with me. I was devastated and became very suspicious of any online persona who triggered any number of 'red flags' for me ever since.

As a result, I now use my instincts to dismiss people that I suspect are imposters without a lot of self-doubt. Most of the time my instincts have served me well......but I am not infallible.

Recently I have come to believe that I may be wrong about someone I have interacted with elsewhere. I still have some doubt.....but in all fairness the doubt has diminished considerably over time. Further complicating the issue is the fact that this person comes across as someone I would probably not get along with if we were to ever meet. Not that she's bad, or crazy, but just has certain traits and thoughts that conflict with my own.'s the thing: I KNOW I have not been very nice to this person.....because I believed them to be fake.  Now that I don't think she's fake, I am feeling bad about how I interacted with her. I feel like I owe her an apology, and if the situation presented itself, I think I would do just that. 

Now those of you reading this are probably thinking: "OK, I get it. It makes sense. But what's so awkward about admitting a possible mistake and regretting the behavior that went along with it?" Well, it's because the situation falls squarely into a kind of "DD weakness" of mine. One that I described a bit in the "Larry's Story" portion of my two-part story, The Raffle.  (link)

I sort of have this 'thing' about feeling genuinely guilty over behavior I have come to regard as mean with people I don't particularly like. And as a result, I have begun to imagine a ......shall we say......more elaborate resolution than a mere online apology.

First off, this person is admittedly an experienced disciplinarian, and one who is unashamed to admit enjoying the role. So IF she were to ever punish me, I'm sure it would be thoroughly punitive and I'd be in for one sore hinder! You would think that would be a deterrent......but for me in this instance, it's a huge attraction.

Second, she seems to be of a certain 'proper' and conservative character. Something that always makes me a bit apprehensive, since I am more of an iconoclast. And while comfortable in my rebel uniform, I do have this stereotype of rebels as undisciplined idealists who could benefit from established structure. On one hand I know this is silly, but it fits a kind of Hollywood notion of what personality types are like.

Third, I am sure she is as aware of my past cantankerousness as I am and other than probably not wanting to interact with a guy who is not her husband, might think some time with me over her lap could be satisfying.

So, we have two people who both know which side of a paddle they belong on. We also have admitted rudeness that now seems to have been there's a clear offense that is not being contested.  Put these together in the right situation and you might end up with something like this:

"So do you still think I'm not real?"

Now, I am sure this will never come about. There are so many issues that would make such an outcome highly unlikely......and yet? I can't seem to shake the idea.

In my adult, consensual-spanking past, I have probably been spanked by almost dozen women who were as different as can be imagined.....and yet? I can't say I was ever spanked by someone I didn't like at the time. It has always been a nagging unanswered question as to how I would react to being spanked by someone I was not particularly fond of......but who had good reason to do it. I imagine all sorts of conflicting feelings. I could see myself agreeing to the punishment but vowing inwardly to resist letting it crack my stoicism, not wanting to let this other type of personality win. And while maybe I could manage it, deep inside me is some strange voice rooting for her to reduce me to an apologetic mess. (See my story Pride. LINK ) It's a dizzying web of tangled contradictions.

This situation is ringing all of those very unique bells.......and I find that awkwardly appealing.


  1. Sounds like you still don't know for certain she is 'real' KD.
    Trouble is can you be 100% certain she is who and what she says she is ?

    1. Well can any of us be 'certain' about anyone online? No, I guess I'm not certain, but some of the red flags I saw before seem to be blowing in the other direction and I think she's probably legit.

      Still, real or not.....the thoughts about the possible comeuppance if she is real are very persistent.

  2. It's interesting that even now that you think she probably isn't the person you thought, you still don't like her. Other than a comment that I thought was perhaps a tad judgmental, I haven't seen any evidence of bad behavior or bad attitude. And, even that comment was really about not wanting to be "mean" to her husband in a way that didn't seem loving. I'm not sure that is really very outside the norm for most of the DD wives, though I did think that it merited some intervention. At this point, I have no idea what her politics are, what her sexual kinks are or are not, or really anything at about her, other than some of her comments and word choices indicate to me that she is well educated and well read.

    Is it possible that the fantasy about being spanked by her is triggered by a feel that being spanked would be preferable to actually apologizing? I can certainly understand that. I've talked on the blog about an incident a year or two ago when I blew up at someone in a work-related context. I was out of line, but it almost certainly would not have happened at all had it not been for the fact that I had a pre-existing relationship with the guy and didn't like him. So, while I probably did misinterpret something he said and assumed the worst unfairly, I did so because I already didn't like the guy and brought that bias to my exchange with him. As I recounted on the blog, Anne's solution was to order me to apologize, and she specifically forbade me from doing it by email or some other impersonal form of communication. I swear, that apology was 10x harder than any spanking would have been.

    I have always really liked your Pride story, and re-read it just a few weeks ago. I definitely do get the perverse attraction to being spanked by someone you don't like and who does not like you. It really reduces the whole thing to pure punishment and accountability. It also potentially negates the limits that someone who loves us might respect. And, given that I want spankings to seem non-consensual, being spanked by someone who doesn't like me seems a step in that direction, even if in your scenario you would still be giving in to it voluntarily.

    1. I am very weird about who I admit to liking. Just because someone is decent doesn't mean I am going to like them. I will respect them and try to get along, but I have to pick up very specific vibes for me to feel anything other than polite coexistence.

      As for the reluctance to apologize? Not me. In fact, that's why I asked if you had contact with her. I was going to ask you to forward an email to her. So, I'm not hesitant to apologize. My little 'punishment scenario' is more of a special flavor of icing on that cake. Maybe it's because I have little difficulty in formally apologizing that I feel it's just the first step towards resolution and that a good, hard that strips away my protective facade and has me repeating my apology in a more desperate, leg-licking sorry-little-boy way is more apropos?

      Thanks for the positive feedback on Pride. A lot of thought went into that one.

    2. This may be another area where we are a little different. I can like someone, even if I have no respect for them, recognize profound character flaws, etc. In fact, that may make me like them even more, even if I don't trust them at all. I am fine with friends who are like a character in a Richard Russo novel -- lovable reprobates and hustlers.

    3. It's hard for me to "like" anyone enough to warrant friendship. I can get along with most anyone (which enabled me to be the go-to manager for handling troublesome customer complaints back when I was working in retail). But that's because I can fake my way through a lot of interactions. BUT to get an invitation to my home for drinks or whatever? There's a much higher bar. That is not to say someone can't be a bit of a rogue and still qualify. They would just need to some very strong compensatory qualities to offset the negatives.

      In this case, when I say "don't like" it's more of a hunch. I just get the impression that sitting around talking, we might all get along, but I doubt there'd be a friendly connection. Again, I could be wrong. We only see tidbits of people online and even those pieces may not be representative of the entire puzzle.

  3. I really enjoyed your PRIDE story because it combined the two most important aspects of pain and utter shame. The victims pride was truly broken and him wife and Mary both knew exactly what they were doing and the effect it would have on his ego. The fact that Mary had her little chat with him and told him what she intended to do only served to reinforce his feelings of humiliation. Mary knew that his disliking of her would make an apology almost impossible to give especially with her smiling at him in smug satisfaction. She clearly read him like a book and used his inferior intellect to further increase her power over him. Although it was quite short it is one of the best examples of male humiliation I have ever read.

    1. Thank you, "anonymous". You certainly picked up on the key issues I was trying to convey.

      (Please leave a fake name in your post next time so we know kind of who you are. It's one of our two posting rules. Thanks)

  4. In the early years of the DWC Aunt Kay did not admit any couples until she had a phone conversation with the woman. After it got big that became impractical. But she still did that any time a discussion of meeting in person began.

    I don't know the details of your connection with the person in question. But I suggest you try to have a phone conversation. And before you dismiss the idea for all the good reasons you most likely have, you COULD make a sincere effort if you wanted to.

    1. I think this would be the ideal, though I've never been willing to go there because of the anonymity issue. Mine, not theirs.

  5. Anyone who could make those fire escapes can do anything.

    1. Good point. Good advice. An apology has been issued.

      Thanks, Tomy.