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Thursday, December 24, 2020

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas ( or Chris-twyste), everyone!

( and may Santa and the 'gods of comedy' be generous to you all! )

I found this on Red's blog and stole it. LOL If I could have sent this out as Christmas cards this year, I would have been VERY tempted! Consider it my card to you!

But if your tastes lean more towards the traditional, here's some folksy Americana updated for 2020:

"Grandma, we're here! And we brought presents....
and maybe Covid."

Tonight is our traditional Polish Christmas Eve celebration.......scaled back and missing people who will have to be visited later and more safely. The setting is small, but hopefully all will go well. Covid paranoia is sticking me like a demon's pitchfork whenever I try to just relax and enjoy a holiday I have difficulty with even without pandemic infusion. As such I think I will celebrate the birth of comedy goddess, Rhyetwyste, (whom I have just decided was born ironically on December 25th.) with the sacrifice of a well-roasted, soon-to-be-ex-president. Yes, the Trump jokes will ring out like Christmas Bells tonight!......accompanied by generous cocktail lubrication. ( for more on Rhyetwyste, please refer to the previous post.....but if you are in a hurry, assume Rhyetwyste, if not the inspiration for the first mistletoe image, may well be the lady pictured in it.)

Still I am not blind to the other gods of the day. I am fully aware of a deity who is recognized by far more people than any of the gods of comedy. So, I am quite willing to share the day and even give top billing to that upstart kid from Bethlehem. It's only fair. So Merry Chris-twyste to all, and to all a good chuckle!

A classic Kliban gem.

Monday, December 21, 2020

Finding religion

Recently I made mention of the gods I fear and subsequently the closest thing to a religion I follow. This admission must seem heretical coming from a professed atheist like me, and yet, what can I say? I am getting older and mortality looms like a glove compartment full of unpaid parking tickets. It is not uncommon for an older person to find or rediscover religion as their grey hairs whiten and drop to the ground along with their dreams. Besides, with all the recent emphasis on religious freedom giving people so much legal leeway to do whatever the fuck they want and just claim, “it’s my religion” as justification, I figured why not get in on that scam? It’s a good racket......simple, legal, and with a hint of incense-scented respectability. Still, I have no use for those traditional gods I have long denounced. No, I needed something different....something more………’me’.

Celebrating foolishness the old fashioned way. My belief is that it's time for an upgrade.... from occasional distraction to sanctioned religion......especially if it gives you not only fun, but added legal protection.

I realized that I always felt a sort of inner gratitude whenever someone fed me a straight line, or some situation manifested out of nowhere with comic potential. Maybe there was a divine source to all this? A cosmic straight man feeding us set-ups. Now the idea of having a god of humor is not new. In the past there were several like Comus and Thalia. But I wanted something I could call my own, maybe partially borrowed here and there, but updated to fit my own prophetic vision. So, in the ballsy manner of Joseph Smith, or even St. Paul, you can trust me when I tell you that I have received divine guidance in the form of revelation visible only to me on a simple roll of toilet paper. As such, I am now a prophet of the gods, and preach their sacred words, laying out for us all the true path for those who wish to take their humor religiously.

Joseph Smith transcribing his 'golden book on loan' before having to return it to the angel Moroni. I love that the angel in Smith's account is named MORONi by the way. You can't make shit like that up.....or maybe you can? Conversely, I did not have to return my toilet paper roll and during the Covid toilet paper shortage, with its message already transcribed, I was able to put it to good secondary use. Where did this mystical roll come from? I cannot say. It may have materialized divinely, it may have been purchased at ShopRite, or it may have been placed among my other rolls by an angelic emissary of the emissary I will call, "Farciculle" ......which to me is WAY more angelic-sounding than "Moroni" if not equally moronIC.

My religion is called Humorism and it flows from the divine inspirations of a pantheon of pagan idols, the “gods of comedy”. Now the gods of comedy as I mentioned elsewhere are a numerous and mischievous lot, blending both major and minor gods................except that to these gods themselves, there are no such distinctions. So while you and I might feel that Rhyetwyste, the goddess of sharp irony is superior to Bazoolakazinkle, the god of silliness…... others will feel differently and thus enable each god to feel superior in any given situation. 

The timeless Rhyetwyste, who I consider 'queen of the comedic gods'.....

and  Bazoolakazinkle whose antics are more appropriate for toddlers.

Like all gods these entities seek two things above all else: appeasement ( in the form of jokes told) and adoration (in the form of laughter that hopefully ensues). Honoring them is merely a matter of recognizing their random gifts of comic opportunity and taking advantage of them. It is the refusal to take one of their divine opportunities and turn it to comic effect that incurs their ill will. These gods smile upon the jokers in the deck and make the humorless the butt of jokes. So it is better to use these gifts to inspire laughter in the moment, than to ignore them and maybe be laughed at later. Besides, telling a good joke is both cheaper than buying a goat, and easier than finding a virgin, for ritual sacrifice. You have to appreciate the superiority of gods whose appeasement is also to our own benefit as opposed to those traditional gods whose demand for sacrifice ended in depriving ourselves of things we probably could have made much better use of. I mean really, what the hell does Allah need a dead goat for? Especially when so many of his people are always starving? And what's up with Yahweh and the whole 'Abraham & Isaac' thing? That was just sick.

Abraham and Isaac........I'm never quite sure if this was Yahweh's idea of a good sacrifice or his idea of a killer practical joke. Even if Abraham passed this cruel test, I can't imagine Isaac ever having a peaceful night's sleep after this ( and I always wonder what their Father's Day was like that year?)

And speaking of tales of sacrifice, what religion would be complete without inspiring mythological stories to explain who these gods are and how they came to be? Humorism is no different and the stories are numerous. One of my favorites is how Heinderthrall, the primitive god of butt humor got so tired of the superior attitude of Drole, the refined virgin goddess of satire, that he decided to take her down a peg. Drole was such a tightass that she suffered chronically from constipation. One day Heinderthrall cajoled Ghacha, the demonic god of practical jokes, to infuse her morning tea with laxative and then nail the bathroom door shut …..of course after inviting all of the pantheon to watch the inevitable hilarity. Caught in an embarrassing situation, the usually aloof Drole banged desperately on the door to no avail until she could hold back no longer. But being a god meant that the result for her was far more mystical than the foul mess it would be for mortals like you or me, and resulted instead in the divine birth from her rear of the impish twins: Toot and Feekle, thereby ushering in the new funny business of bathroom humor. Rhyetwyste was particularly pleased that Drole’s offspring were the polar opposites of their mother’s style of humor. What muse whose efforts inspired Voltaire, could be happy that her own children made their mark on the world with fart and poop jokes? But such is life…...and comedy.

This cave painting shows just how far back Heinderthrall's influence goes. Butt humor and especially butt trauma humor is ageless!

Ghacha, the patron of practical jokes has never seen a lapse in popularity and is revered by many the world over on April 1st.

Compare that tale to Christianity’s virgin birth story. In one you have a practical joke resulting in a few laughs and inspiring centuries of mankind’s ability to laugh at gas and excrement, and in the other you have a father sending his son on a mission so he can be killed and then brought back to life, thereby inspiring genocidal crusades, homophobia, and Christmas cards that shed glitter that then sticks to everything for weeks. A clear win for Humorism if you ask me.

The tale of the birth of Toot & Feekle is but one of many idyllic stories that show that humor was always being enhanced with new forms inspired by new gods. While some deities like Hedbang (the ancient god of slapstick and pratfalls) existed from the very beginning of human development, others like Cyttekahmm weren’t born until the 1940’s, making her mark on public television first in the UK before literally becoming a household name in the U.S.  Even more recently, new gods are being introduced. Did you ever wonder why those pictures with captions you see online are called “memes”? You guessed it, Meme is the newest god in the humor pantheon! ( yeah? Just try and tell me “Meme” doesn’t sound like a god’s name and that there’s a better explanation!)

Hedbang in all of his magnificently violent, comic glory. It is rumored that every time an anvil was dropped on someone's head, his horns grew another millimeter.

A scene from "Pinwright's Progress" which marked the first time Cyttekahmm exerted her influence.

Actually, besides memes and sitcoms, several forms of humor have gotten their names from the gods themselves like Limerick & Parody. It's interesting how these vain types always seem to be of the less talented variety. Conversely, some gods like (   ) the god of the well-timed comic pause and expression don’t even have a name, let alone try to impose it on their artform. Not only does ( ) have no name, but no one even knows what (  ) looks like, or whether ( ) is male or female or something else entirely. And yet some folks like John Krasinski and Jon Stewart, owe nearly their entire careers to the mysterious (  )’s benevolence.

Humor without words is (  )'s domain.

Drole, goddess of satire, comforting her underachiever brother, Parody, assuring him he is still loved even though he is not nearly as clever as she is.

But just as new gods are always entering our world, others can fade almost to obscurity, and then with rediscovery become popular again. Consider Zing, who inspires one-liners and other forms of quick wit. Once very popular, Zing sort of receded from the limelight for a while but now is back with new material.  Yet  lesser forms, like the awkward snicker-inducing faux pas, inspired by Zing’s cousin, Blert, can, with less effort, remain popular throughout….appealing to something so basic in human nature that it simply can’t be dampened. It has also been theorized by comic theologians that, like Prometheus giving mortals fire, Blert created and bestowed Tourette’s Syndrome upon individuals he felt were deserving of what he saw as his gift to humanity. Recipients however never felt particularly blessed.

The sightless, thoughtless, Blert is all mouth and no finesse, making everyone uncomfortable......and yet we often still chuckle....or want to.

Some gods however, will lose so much popularity that they simply go back into the ether leaving their inspired jokes to be told only by young children and the most desperate of comedians. Case in point, Kweerie, the goddess of riddles. When was the last time you heard a new and clever riddle, or heard a stand-up comic ask one? Other gods lose ground due to cultural movements in human society. For decades, Threemen, the god of the ethnic and religious joke, reigned supreme. His material infiltrated everything from the professional stage to the workplace cafeteria, and yet, with the introduction of PC culture, it is rumored that in the celestial plane, Threemen has been on a kind of divine life-support, barely making it through each day with a joke in his honor being told infrequently and only then with cautious secrecy. A cruel fate for a god who only wanted to make us laugh and succeeded for a long, long time.

Here a youngster ponders " what's black and white and 'read' all over?" having never seen a newspaper herself. Kweerie's philosophy might well be: " let the little children gather unto me" but even then her inspirations are getting dated and stale. 

Being a god is obviously not without risk. Further proof shows that humor gods can be as vicious as Mars or Kali, with dark tales of murder and usurped humor. Insults have been around for centuries, but think of how they have changed. From ancient flyting in verse (for more on flyting) to the scathing put-downs of wits like Dorothy Parker, to the roast-like digs of a Don Rickles…..all the way to dueling urban rappers competing for applause on stage, the only remaining consistency is the disparaging intent of the remark. Yet why are these styles so different? Well, because one god did not inspire them all. Instead, Yomamma killed Puck, who killed Quip, who killed Flyte, who probably killed some unknown ancient who started it all, each taking over the comic form from their predecessor and changing its style. Ugly business. (How ugly is it?.......)

When did Rickles stop being funny? The day Yomamma killed Puck. Is it any wonder why no roast today ever seems as funny as those old classics? The day of the roast is as done as a chunk of beef left in the oven too long.

In all, there are probably too many gods to even name. As revealed, sometimes new ones are born, dropping out of the sky ( or ass), others die, some go dormant only to be resurrected later, and others have seemingly been around forever. We've already covered a bunch, but there are so many more. Morbydde, the dark god of gallows and black humor resides in stark contrast with the 'sexual sisters'  Hoompty, the raucous and bawdy bimbo of sexual jokes, and Smarmiwink, the subtle goddess of innuendo. There’s the enigmatic Fxz7ikle, god of nonsense and the absurd, Doh, a newer god who inspires the ‘fails’ we see on YouTube, Retch, the outrageous god of gross humor, and the ever-groan-inspiring Fungi (Fun guy), purveyor of the pun. Perhaps you know of others?

Morbydde, appealing to our darker sides.

Fxz7ikle amusing itself. Fxz7ikle has existed for millenia and still no one is quite able to explain why its antics are funny. This strange being is the one deity all of the others are wary of. 

Newcomer, Doh, uses a combination  of his divine power and technology to ensure that when something funny happens, there's a camera nearby ready to capture it.

Truly it is a vast, colorful, and sometimes sordid assembly. Often without our awareness, these deities work in collaboration and other times alone to bring something important to us all. As human beings, where would we be without them? We need them just like they need us. And so, just like with any belief system or religion, isn’t that why we ( or in this case, I) invented them, creating them in our own image? Once conceived we then can keep their names and influence alive with our best efforts to make others laugh? What’s even better is that because there are so many of them, you can pick and choose the ones you prefer and avoid the others. My personal favorite of course is Rhyetwyste, but my fondness for the rest keeps them all somewhat content with my attentions to them. No one wants just one spice in their pantry. Life and humor are best served with variety.

A bronze statuette depicting Retch at play. In humor there really is a time and a place for everything.

So consider converting from whatever you believe to my religion. I can’t promise you a happy afterlife but I can say that with Humorism as your religion, you may have more fun in this one. And what the hell…..if it makes you feel better, I’ll do what the other religions do and promise you that afterlife anyway. Sure. Why not, right?  I mean mine is just as likely to happen as theirs, and what are you going to do if it doesn't? Sue me?  So now you should have everything you need to comfortably switch over, but if Humorism still seems too different, too alien and unfamiliar as a religious form, to make yourself more comfortable you could send me money. Let me hear an “amen” to that!

Thursday, December 17, 2020

2020 Holiday Cocktail Party

2020 Holiday Cocktail Party: We need it more than ever!

It's here! Get those glasses polished to crystal clear radiance. 

....and let the party begin!

First up, Moose Milk from Morningstar.....

The Ritual (Canadian Navy)

At least once in every port, the moose runs loose, so party time begins with a toast of Moosemilk, a Canadian Tradition - only in Canada you say!

So don your moose hat and shirt, toast your NATO friends and let them see what a friendly salty moose you are.........."The Moose is Loose"

Quick and Easy Moose Milk

Yield:8 servings


12 fluid ounces heavy whipping cream

12 fluid ounces milk

4 fluid ounces vodka

4 fluid ounces dark rum

2 fluid ounces Irish cream liqueur (such as Baileys®)

2 fluid ounces coffee-flavored liqueur (such as Kahlua®)

2 cups vanilla ice cream

1 pinch ground nutmeg, or more to taste

1 pinch ground cinnamon, or more to taste

Directions: Blend cream, milk, vodka, rum, Irish cream liqueur, coffee-flavored liqueur, ice cream, nutmeg, and cinnamon together in a blender until smooth.


From Hortic/Prefectdt........Frog Spit: A beer cocktail.

1/2 pint lager

1/2 pint hard cider

one shot of Blue Curacao

I'm going to try this, but probably as a Spring cocktail. Still it IS green and looks Christmassy!


From Tomy........Top Shelf Margarita

• 1/2 ounce Cointreau liqueur

• 1/2 ounce Grand Marnier or gran gala

• 2 1/2 ounces prepared sweet-and-sour mix

• 1 ounce lime juice

1 1/2 ounces tequila

and to go along with that Moose Milk, here's Tomy's special chocolate chip cookie idea. He recommends Ghiradelli Dark Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix......with a dash of CANNABIS!


Another non-liquid suggestion comes from Glen of Glenmoretales. He recommends Potted Herrings. Of which he says any online recipe will do. LINK


And the "straight-ups"

From Lurker 48: Laphroaig Single Malt Scotch. I have personal experience with this and concur. It is a gem. Another in the same family and of comparable quality is Lagavulin......(the 16 is nice). 

From Dan: a good Armagnac...... think "cognac" with a different view from your window.

J.P. March (Evan Peters) in American Horror Story 'Hotel', having a nice Armagnac while waiting for Dan to join him at the Cortez.


From Merry.....Candied Orange use in any creative way possible. I think it would be a great garnish for a Boulevardier. (edited to add that this recipe does indeed yield more than just fancy peel. You also get the benefit of infused sugar, and syrup that would indeed be perfect as a cocktail infusion. My recommendation on the infusion would be to add a bit to that same Boulevardier mentioned above. [Boulevardier is a Negroni variant: equal parts whiskey, Campari, and sweet vermouth.] I would think the orange sweetness would complement the bitterness of the Campari. As a result I might back off a bit on the vermouth but I would have to experiment to know for sure.)

For the recipe and some great accompanying pictures click Mistress Merry's Musings


From me, a classic cocktail, a spin on a classic, something for the ladies, a straight-up, and a beer:

The Bourbon Revival

I use a different ratio but the classic recipe is:

1/2 oz. creme de cassis

2 oz. bourbon

1 oz. lemon juice.

1/2 oz. simple syrup

dash of bitters

My ratio is 1 part creme de cassis, 1 part lemon juice, no syrup, and 3-4 parts that dash of bitters.

My "Sub-bourbon" a twist on the Revival

1 part Luxardo maraschino liqueur

1 part lemon juice

3-4 parts bourbon

dash of bitters

garnish with lemon peel

Want something with less total alcohol content?

Ginger-Pear Bourbon Cocktail

using fresh ginger, grate a bit and add it to some honey and just enough water to make it into a syrup. Microwave it and let it steep. Then....

2 oz. bourbon

1 oz. of the steeped mixture strained into the glass

2 oz. pear nectar

top with a splash of ginger ale to give it some fizz and garnish it all with a pear slice.

(I made a 'nada' version of this using a bit more of the ginger/honey syrup and nectar......and eliminating the bourbon. )

Want to just pour from a bottle? .....Jefferson Reserve "Pritchard Hill" variety Bourbon. This is simply magical, smooth and delicious with flavors and notes perfect for the holidays and winter in general!

Want a "beer" that is perfect for a cold December evening and is oh so much more than a mere beer? Gulden Draak ( NOT Golden Dreck) Ale. This is one of many delicious, rich, and complex Trappiste-style ales. There are others if you can't find this one. Even the PA-produced "Merry Monks" will give you the Belgian flavor without the hunt. And Weyerbacher's "Quad" is another....but with more of a punch.

If you're going to stay close to the bar and try all of these recipes, follow the example of these folks and hydrate in-between!

And remember.....if you liked your drink, be sure to thank the bartender! Thanks to all who entered a recipe for something!

If you're a guy, a simple handshake will do. ;-) Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

"Last call"


"Cheers, Bettie!"

Today is the final day to receive recipes or suggestions for the 2020 Cocktail Party. Tomorrow the post goes fact, most of it is already written. So if you want in, move your holiday hinder and start typing!

Rosa and I ventured over to Brighton Beach, NY yesterday evening to procure the fresh herring needed for our traditional Polish Christmas Eve dinner. They are currently soaking in brine and will eventually be wrapped around an onion and pickled. I almost wasn't going to make them this year and just buy pickled herring in a jar......but I'm glad I changed my mind.  This is a rough year for maintaining enthusiasm.

I hope the cocktail party resonates with you all, especially since there are so many varied offerings and opportunities. But seriously, if you have something special you like around this time, whether alcoholic, nada, or even snack-wise. Send it in! Remember, the tagline for this year's party is "we need it more than ever".

Tuesday, December 15, 2020

Cocktail deadline tomorrow! If you want in, send your recipe or offering soon!

A boozy scene from our Dickens Village set-up.

It's pretty much "anything goes" this year, so don't hold back if you have something special you want to share.

So don't be an old might regret it! 

Sunday, December 13, 2020


Thought for the day: When exactly did being a "good American, ( person, whatever)" go from being willing to self-sacrifice on the behalf of others....even unto the point of death, to just being a selfish asshole defiantly doing whatever you want whenever you want regardless of how it impacts others?

Friday, December 11, 2020

Chastity begins at home (conclusion)

Picking up where we left off.......................

It’s probably not surprising that something like this has such power. It also fluctuates fluidly between being a game of sorts, and something far more serious. I can see how the whim of deciding an o for someone else can be fun for a Top but being on the other end is a blend. Naturally I want to be in this position, so I do appreciate the control…and tease & denial games are indeed fun......but that doesn't mean such 24/7 control is always easy. Even upon asking, I don’t always get the answer I might this is more than just enhanced sensation play. It is very real control. And while technically I am free to cheat, I am only really free in the sense of being unrestrained. Essentially, by agreement, by my nature, by mutual understanding and expectation, I am not. 

Of course a device renders a lot of the angst over obedience and honor.....moot. LOL But the simple fact is that while I do get locked on occasion, 90% of my chastity is sheer obedience.

I have discussed this with Rosa. She has had full control over me for over a decade and frankly does not in any way see me needing to be free in this area. She doesn’t control to be mean. She says ‘yes’ most of the time, trusting that if I feel strongly enough about the need to ask, then it’s probably something I should be allowed. But when she does say ‘no’, she has a good reason. So if she thinks there are times I should not have this privilege, how can she manage that if I don’t have to ask first?  To her this just makes sense. She believes in herself and her wisdom in decisions concerning me. She loves me and sees her control being for my own good and the good of us as a couple. Therefore my total dependence on her permission to touch myself is as real to her as the expectation that I won’t have an affair, or squander our savings on gambling. Philosophically I may well be ‘free’ to do all of those things and unless locked, physically free as well, but practically speaking doing so would indicate serious problems between us. She expects me to trust her love, judgement, and authority enough to obey what she sees a simple formality: ”just ask first” and appreciate the ‘yes’es’ when they come and learn from whatever might have resulted in the occasional ‘no’.

The serious parts of our arrangement are the easiest for Rosa. But sometimes the fun times are more of a challenge. It's sometimes difficult for her to know when I'm actually looking forward to being denied versus sincerely wanting release. If she has no agenda or current preference of her own at these times, she is quite willing to indulge me......but she is not a mind reader. The solution is usually as simple as her asking me for an honest admission of where my head is at. If I'm in the mood to be denied? Hell, she'll lock me as happily as this young lady here!

She also sees her control as having not only personal but practical benefits. Her decision to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ can be based on her whim, reading of what is best for me, or on her very astute reading of which answer will result in the best frame of mind for her to get what she wants from me later. I tend to get a strong boost of energy after an O…..what we call “lumberjack mode”. ( “I had my O, I feel great!  Let’s chop down a tree!”)  But “lumberjack mode” also renders me a bit cool and distant, focused more on tasks than her. So if she needs something task-oriented to be done…..she’ll be inclined to give me an O, BUT, if what she wants later is a spate of extended pampering with me all submissive and compliant (“puppy mode”), then I’ll probably end up mercilessly teased until I’m reduced to a state of mush and then told to dress…...or maybe even lock up first. But if I’m in this mode, she WILL get my full attention…...even unto a point of occasional annoyance. So each state has it’s upside and its downside. She, as arbiter, uses her judgement to render me closest to what she is after. From my point of view this itself is extremely demonstrative of role and authority. I KNOW she is often deciding things based on this dual aspect of mine and so it can feel a little like being a toy whose owner is deciding what setting to switch it to for maximum enjoyment. My sexuality is being manipulated for optimal results depending on the situation at hand.

This could very well be me in "lumberjack mode" not chopping trees but still putting all of that post-o energy to good Rosa enjoys the benefits.

Over time I have wrestled with this aspect of myself as much as I have with spanking, since there are definitely similarities. And I have talked about this with not only the people involved, but other trusted people as well. We are not just open about DD, so most, though not all of the people who are aware of Rosa spanking me, are also aware that my sexuality is controlled by her. That too is powerful. I mentioned feeling like an alien at times, but with close people knowing, I am an alien whose identity is known as well. No one who knows has any more of a problem with this sexual control than they do with knowing I get spanked…...maybe even less. I’m sure they see me as essentially free to rebel if this became a huge issue, so if I remain compliant then….well….I’m getting what I must need.

While I have never been made to do this, I do well know how it feels to have my sexual control be discussed in front of others. Verdict? Most guys don't get it, most women seem intrigued.

Interestingly, I have repeatedly and consistently gotten the same feedback: while being subject to spankings as punishment and being under the control of another for sexual pleasure are not typical nor even appropriate for most others, those who know me seem to all find it to be a strong positive in my case. No one has ever tried to talk me out of this and suggest more sexual and behavioral autonomy. Instead I have been assured and reassured in times of doubt, that this is probably good for me. To accept it and embrace it. I have been told to my face, in all seriousness, by caring people that I am simply  “better” when under a loved one’s authority.

"What can I say? People who know me and Rosa all think this is an ideal arrangement."

In planning this essay, I actually talked about this topic with Rosa, Ana, Nickki, and even my own biological daughter who I will call “Michelle”. Rosa was very matter-of-fact just as I described in the previous portions of this essay. She sees our arrangement as a given and also understood when I described how her approval is part of my pleasure in the moment. Ana is very busy with finishing up her exams before coming home for Christmas but said she would not mind offering a viewpoint when things calm down. (I'll probably just do a short follow-up if and when she weighs in.)

Nickki said that as unusual as the practice might be, it does align perfectly with my personality, but was a little surprised that it was embraced by Rosa whom she has known for way longer than me. But after some discussion, she said she could see how Rosa would be comfortable with such power. Nickki at first also voiced some disapproval upon learning of the seeming inequity of the arrangement in terms of Rosa getting more orgasms than me, She felt that even with control, the equation should be more balanced. But when I put the inequity in terms of it relating to the perks and price of being a Top or bottom, she immediately saw how it then made sense. I suppose as a Top who understands the fairness of inequity in spanking, she saw that if one half of a loving relationship can be the sole recipient of a sore behind while their partner sits safely and comfortably in the seat of authority, then a Top getting the perk of more orgasms than their submissive partner makes just as much sense.

When you put it in D/s terms, is it really surprising that chaste guys get fewer orgasms than their Tops?

Michelle, who has had multiple revealing “lifestyle” conversations with both me and Rosa over the years......mostly about our DD arrangement, seemed to understand the chastity angle easily enough…..even though she is what I would call an open-minded and adventurous, but mostly vanilla, person herself. She related the practice to a kind of power-based foreplay. Her first question, which she asked in an almost perky bemusement and whose frankness caught me by surprise,  was whether I had ever purposely ‘disobeyed’ the rule in order to prompt a punishment. 

It admittedly made me blink when my own daughter's first reaction to our discussion was wondering whether I invited a punishment with an act of disobedience. A pretty fair question.....but a bit more complicated than the situation depicted here by Kamitora.

I referred to what I stated earlier, that when I was younger and less secure in the role that I had done so, not so much to invite punishment but as a kind of personal revenge on my then-wife at certain times when I was upset with her. But I admitted that while those petty acts seemed justified in the moment, once we had made up over whatever it was, I would feel guilty and confess the breach. Considering my daughter’s knowledge of my current feelings for my “ex”, I think she was a little surprised when I actually gave her mother credit for handling those times pretty admirably. I told her that since that rule was one of her mother’s favorites, she never failed to address a flagrant violation with a no-nonsense spanking severe enough to demonstrate that despite the ‘fun’ aspects of being a D/s couple, there were indeed serious aspects to our roles as well…...and this rule was one of them. 

This could easily illustrate those rare times in the past where a chastity "violation" had its consequences. Chastity can be as much of a 'game' or a serious part of a D/s relationship as each couple views it. In my experience, tease & denial is a kinky game of frustration, whereas day-to-day compliance with staying chaste was much more of a basic expectation.

I also told her that these incidents were rare and became even rarer as I got older. Now, I admitted, with Rosa, I would never think to act that way, even when I’m tempted. Michelle also equated the whole process of asking as a kind of power-based foreplay…...which it certainly can feel like, but she asked more about my assertion that a pre-orgasmic “yes” from Rosa felt like part of the pay-off rather than just a prerequisite to achieve it. With more discussion, she finally understood it and even nodded in agreement that such conditioning didn’t seem that unusual even to her. (and if anyone is thinking: 'wow, this must be a weird topic to discuss with one's own daughter'......well, yeah, it is. But you have to know my daughter, she is a lot like Ana as I've said, and she is neither stupid, nor easily put off. She is after all, a LOT like me.......just not as kinky LOL)

And so that concludes this topic. I would be more than welcome to answer any questions anyone has.....particularly in terms of how something so unusual in comparison to the general population has become so normalized for me over time. 

Thursday, December 10, 2020

Chastity begins at home (Part 1 of 2)

WARNING: The following is a serious piece about my personal experience with sexual control. It is an adult topic with adult themes and explicit photos.....some of yours truly, himself. If pictures of this nature offend you, or if you'd rather not see more of me than you might wish, you might want to tread cautiously....even though I do hope readers will see the pictures as relevant, moderately tasteful, and sometimes humorous. 

I haven't done a lengthy, in-depth personal revelation in a while, but recently I have been reminiscing about the past. I just turned 61 and I started thinking about the long, crazy path my life has taken. Thoughts of how my life differs from most others was a recurring theme and at one point I began to ponder the seemingly simple, but different-for-me area of orgasms and masturbation. It occurred to me how long I have lived with this simple pleasure being regulated by someone other than myself. I have written before about the appeal of frustration, in a post of that same name....which I have made the feature post for easy reference (just check the margin [in web mode, not phone mode] and you can click it if interested.)......but this is more about the control aspect rather than the intricacies of denial’s physical and emotional effects.

Not me. (In SO many ways.)

The one thing that hit me right from the start is that I had a hard time remembering exactly when it was that such control became a regular part of my life. I recall being free and uncontrolled in my youth and I then recall being under somewhat constant control for most of my post-married life…..I just couldn’t pinpoint the beginning…..though I kind of figured it to be somewhere in the early 90’s. So, given my current age, and averaging things out, you could say that I have been under someone else's control in this area, with very brief lapses, for around three decades,  or over half my life. That felt powerful to realize. In thirty-some odd years, I have not known what it was like to just feel horny, or titillated, and then just go off and masturbate. Jokes about masturbation don't resonate that strongly with me. And things like May 7th being celebrated as National Masturbation Day (a real thing) is like telling a Christian it's Yom Kippur. Other than realizing alternate side parking has been suspended, it doesn't really mean much.....and parking rules don't even change for May 7th. When it comes to free self-pleasuring......I am an alien from another planet.

Some of this control has been enforced with devices that, if not 100% foolproof, are admirable deterrents. But most of this has been a matter of mutual agreement with whomever I was being controlled by at the time. In all of those years there have certainly been missteps of different kinds. Naturally the worst were those which could be considered blatant disobedience. These were very rare and usually coincided with a time when I was angry at the person in control. These were orgasms for spite. Other unauthorized orgasms were the result of “accidents”......sanctioned self-teases that triggered an unintentional passing of that familiar “point of no return”. These ended in utterly unsatisfying ‘ruined orgasms’ that still left me feeling guilty. In each of these situations, the flagrant and the accidental, I nearly always confessed the breach and suffered the consequences.

Long time readers will probably recognize this one-of-a-king contraption as the homemade chastity device I have mentioned and posted about in the past.

If the orgasm was accidental I was usually forgiven without much fuss. At first this apparent leniency surprised me but after a while I learned by having different women react this same seemingly merciful way that their own sense of having someone be obedient to this rule and seeing them genuinely contrite over these rare mishaps to be enough of a power-kick to their egos that further punishment must have seemed like overkill. In the cases where I deliberately broke the rule, the consequences were understandably more punitive. A good, hard, un-fun spanking was always a given….with the promise of a worse one should the rule be defied again. An extended period of denial was another frequent add-on. I do recall one time during my first marriage that in addition to a spanking and period of denial, I also had to spend a lengthy time kneeling with heavily-weighted plastic clothespins attached to my penis.
(That was pretty effective. Not only did it hurt a lot after a while, but my penis was sore for long enough afterwards to make even thinking of touching it unappealing.)

This old B&W pen drawing of mine from the 90's is essentially an accurate "self portrait" of what I described above. While the clips hurt, and the weights made them hurt more, it was the length of time I had to endure this that drove the punitive aspect home......and resulted in  an evenly-spaced ring of tender, purplish 'dashes' where the clips dug in. Very effective, let me tell you. 

I once even had a preventive punishment based on my confession to one past Top that I had been flirting with the notion of a deliberate transgression, not out of weakness or defiance, but as a test of her commitment to the agreement. I wrote about this in my short story, “The Confession”
(link to free story. This is also an E-book on Amazon) which had only some minor fictional flourishes added to an event that otherwise happened very much as written. In this case, the Top with whom I was very much in love, discussed this with me and then decided that a “this is what you’ll get if you ever do”-spanking was in order along with an added O-less month…….which she did not relent on despite enjoying frequent O’s herself.

I have never quite been able to explain why extended denial is a common goal among men who are into this, but very rare…...though not absent…..among submissive women. The one thing I did notice in my time as a Top was that women WILL enjoy having their pleasure controlled, with an orgasm being delayed for a time in the moment, but ultimately given. Any experiments with extended periods proved that, at least the women I knew, just got cranky rather than more pliable over time. Men however, like myself, DO become more pliable with extended denial. My untested conclusion is that there is something chemical going on that differs in the genders.

See that cranky face? I never have too much sympathy for sub women in chastity because experience has taught me that while they may be tantalizingly deferred, they WILL get that O soon enough. If this young lady's Top expects peace in the household, that expression should be a warning sign that maybe it's time to get the key. LOL

Whereas THIS guy? With men it's more typically going to be a week or two, maybe a month, before he gets his release. While rarer, it's not unheard of for a guy to go for several months or even a year.  (for the record, in my past, the longest I went was 150 days)

One other thing I noticed that I mentioned in my post on The Appeal of Frustration but is worth repeating, is that I have never…...and I mean NEVER, had a Top…...even a casual and playful one, decline the offer of being in control of my orgasms. And, to add to that, when this topic has come up among others, while there definitely were women who “just didn’t get it at all”, most not only were amused by the idea, but found it oddly appropriate for me.

I've used this shot before......but I love it! Not one of those ladies looks sorry for the guy.

Rosa herself  initially was a bit baffled by the idea of orgasm control when I first brought it up. But she is a natural Top and her reaction was more about hearing something she never imagined and trying to understand it than being against it. In fact, once she felt she understood it, she adopted the practice pretty quickly. And then…...when she saw for herself what it resulted in for both me and her? Well that was it. There was no going back and eventually we ventured beyond just orgasm control to a rule about “ no touching/teasing” as well. So for about a decade now I have not only needed her permission to orgasm, but to even touch myself in a sexual way. I cannot say this has been easy.

The notion of a guy starting his day with a wank in the shower is such a common theme that I spoofed it with the following cartoon:

To say that the instinct to touch there longer than necessary has disappeared in me would be a lie. Even unlocked....or perhaps ESPECIALLY when unlocked, showers for me have become a daily reminder for just how differently I live than most men.

Looking back it was interesting to recall the slight and sometimes significant variations different Tops have found pertinent. Like I said, Rosa found the concept of "no touching without permission" empowering, even as she admitted that it must be more difficult for me. However, she has no issue with me self-teasing privately as long as I have secured her permission beforehand. My ex was the exact opposite: she did not restrict me from touching, only orgasming without her permission. BUT, if I wanted an orgasm, and she was willing to grant one but not actually deliver it, she did not allow me privacy to stimulate myself. Instead, she would have me masturbate to completion in her presence.....which sometimes meant she was watching in amusement, or even ignoring me while reading a book. Rosa has done this as well but it is not something that happens as regularly. Yet another Top liked the control but insisted that she always be the one to induce my orgasm. It was like she didn't mind me having them, but didn't want me touching myself.

The one thing all of these women had in common though was control. And for me, that meant that my sexual pleasure, in whatever form it took, was dependent on the whim and will of others......and still is.

So what does living like this mean? Well, for one thing such an arrangement is pervasive. Where timing, circumstances, moods, arguments, emergencies, etc. can all interfere with sex, spanking, and other sexual activities both kinky and vanilla, a chastity arrangement is always IN effect and always HAVING an effect. There is no escape, no interruption. It just is something that is always there, always a part of one’s life regardless of what else may be going on. DD can wax and wane but chastity is omnipresent. 

As such my day-in/day-out goes something like this: my default understanding for myself is that while I am pretty free to do as I please in most areas of my life, as long as our house rules are being followed, one area: sexual pleasure, is simply not up to me. So, if I feel a little horny and would like some attention, I can’t just indulge myself the way most men do. I have to ask Rosa if it’s OK. Usually I never wish to have an orgasm outside of her presence, and that is my choice, so if she’s not around my request is typically just for some self-teasing. But I can request a private O if I really want one. These private, solo O-requests are very VERY rare though. If she is busy and doesn’t respond to my text, there is nothing for me to do but wait. If my window of opportunity closes in that time span then, that’s just my bad luck: no touching. But if she does respond, it is usually to grant permission. There are times though, where she will say no, and other times where her ‘yes’ is conditional on me completing some chore first. 

Me having a sanctioned daytime tease after texting my honey at work for permission.

Now when it comes to self-pleasuring…..whether that ends in orgasm or not…..there is a certain private element to it for most people. Masturbation among the greater population is one of those things we all kind of know goes on, but is not announced. It happens when the mood strikes and it happens in private. Having to ask for permission completely eliminates this near-universal aspect of personal freedom and privacy. And as natural as the urge may be, and as close a couple may be, having to take the time to type out a text asking for permission does make things harder. There are plenty of times when I would have wanted to ask and for whatever reason, just decided not to. A typical person’s masturbation habits and desires are theirs to decide and theirs to enjoy privately. Mine are neither. If I wish to enjoy touching myself, she has to agree, and for her to agree, I have to ask. If asking strikes me as too embarrassing that day, well then, my choice has already been made.

Okay, who masturbates freely and privately? Show of hands, please? Notice how I am NOT in this picture?

Besides private moments, naturally there are those times where Rosa and I are contemplating some adult time together, and having this understanding colors that as well. One of the first things I will determine is exactly what her thoughts are regarding what we do next. Does she want an O for herself, and does she intend for me to have one as well? Sometimes she will just say what she is thinking, ( "Give me an O!" is a frequent command....even if it is a playful and welcome one. But when she says it this way, I know there's nothing on the menu for me. LOL) and other times she will seek my input as to my own level of need. So, any adult time together could end up with all of the attention on her, some teasing for me, or an O for me as well. But being together for “sex” is no guarantee in and of it itself that I will end up having an orgasm. In fact, the odds are decidedly against it.

While the path to an orgasm for me in the past was pretty varied, due to a lot of physical factors that have affected me in the last few years, there is a kind of “usual way” that I now get nearly all of my orgasms. And that method has come to further enhance my feelings of submissive gratitude and has been often described here on this very blog. Regardless of what has transpired beforehand, if it then becomes time for “my turn”, I will procure a substantial electric massager we keep in our drawer as she redresses to some degree. I will remain naked. Rosa will then lay back against a pile of pillows, massager in hand, with my head at her feet and my groin within her reach. From there it is a simple matter of her applying the machine in any manner she chooses to stimulate me while I kiss her feet. 

Usually when I kiss her feet at other times, I am positioned so that I approach her toes from above, but when I am positioned for an O, I end up aligned with the underside of her feet. My kisses are then directed to her soles and toes from below, all the while with her face and clothed body visible to me in the distance. This position is also powerful for me in that it seems to accentuate my subordinate station.  She appears very aloof and regal, teasing me with a playfully detached nonchalance.  It’s as if she is exerting minimal effort while I feel more and more overwhelmed.  As the sensations build, I naturally feel more appreciative of the attention and lavish kisses fawningly. 

Rosa's toes and soles exactly as I encounter them when allowed a tease or O.

As things build towards a climax, I feel undeserving and  servile. I think of our disparate roles and the degree to which they separate us at times like this. She is elevated. I am groveling knowing that the only way I’ll get an orgasm is if she permits one. If she changes her mind, or gets bored, or just decides not to, I have no recourse, so I kiss and lick frenetically, soaking in her warmth and scent. I can’t think of a time when she ever just stopped me at this point to change her mind, but when a person has the power to do that, as the subordinate, it is only natural to realize that it could happen and that it is best to keep the person-with-the-power feeling loved and appreciated.

Though not me, and clearly woman-to-woman, I felt the expression here best illustrated how I feel as those sensations in my groin peak.

Even if an orgasm has been approved beforehand, one thing that is still an understood formality is that at the time I am receiving attention, I will notify her of my ‘status’. Typically I’ll just get to a point and pause in my kissing to  say. “I’m getting close”. She will then either stop her stimulation and then resume in a series of teases, or just nod with a “Hmmm-hmm” acknowledgment. If she does this I know she is going to continue on until I ejaculate. But even then, when that explosive moment is imminent, I will say, (in an understandably desperate voice) “I’m going to go. Can I have an o, please?” and when she says yes…. I will relax and conclude. 

I can’t think of a time when I haven’t sought this final, formal permission. It’s just understood between us that even with a prior understanding that I can have an O, the permission itself is important enough to warrant that in-the-moment confirmation. She has even denied or more accurately delayed final permission on rare occasions, asking that I hold out just a bit more and then she’ll say yes as my pleas and kisses get more desperate. I have come to feel over time that her final permission is as important to me as the physical sensation of the orgasm itself since I could not fully enjoy either without the other. It’s like having a two-stage orgasm where the first part is hearing her say ‘yes’ so I can relax and allow the second part, the orgasm itself, to happen. This is understandable because at the moment I am asking I am also fighting against the orgasm so as not to have it  happen before permission is granted.

(to be continued and concluded in a day or so)