Some of my least favorite commonplace things regularly directed at crowds that seem to work for everyone but me are:
1: "put your hands together for......." (I am always torn between wanting to shoot myself or the person saying this)
2: Asking for a response from an audience but encouraging the response to get louder. (Here it's simply a desire to shoot the person doing this.)
3: References to people I'm somehow supposed to know even though none have ever accomplished anything I would consider important. (I just roll my eyes at such absurd celebrity-worship.)
4: The recent pop trend of calling songs ‘anthems’. If you do this, please stop. If you play the piece and a group of people of a singular ethnicity don’t stand up waving a flag, it’s not an anthem......so shut the fuck up.
But enough of these peeves. Let’s talk a bit about “pop music” in general and halftime shows specifically. Recently or should I say, “currently” on the LSF there is a thread that I have been commenting on regarding the recent Super Bowl Halftime Show. Spanking enthusiasts are effusing over J-Lo and Shakira’s butt-gyrations and I suppose I can muster some sympathy….. but only some..….but then again I am blessed with my Rosa whose posterior is akin to a galaxy in comparison with the mere lunar-like orbs presented by these celebrities. Shakira’s ass might as well be attached to a boy, and Lopez’s butt has definitely slimmed down from what I recall it being like in her prime.
But if slim is your thing then well dive in, but for me that pool is too shallow. (I don’t want to break my neck on that plunge, thank you very much)
But this isn’t about gluteal magnificence, it’s about “pop music” :
Remember ‘Fat Bastard’ from the Austin Powers movies?
Well, that’s my take on pop music. We are all different ages, cultures, preferences, etc. and as such we all grew up with our own ‘brand’ of pop music we adored as teens. I won’t lie. I did too. But…...eventually I grew up. And for me, after learning more about music, I realized that the ‘pop music’ I felt nostalgia for was just as shitty as anyone else’s. Pop music is essentially crap music. It’s appeal is not in its quality but in its familiarity. And like Fat Bastard stated about farts…..”everybody likes their own brand”.
In order to qualify each major musical genre in ‘pop’, I hereby offer the following helpful chart:
40’s “Crooning” : old shit, but the kind that if you’re older, you appreciate because it slides out of your ass quite comfortably....sometimes with a little olive oil lubrication.
50’s Doo Wop: the kind of shit you get after too many ice-cream sodas and pizzas….not as bad as a hangover shit, but shit nonetheless.....mindless lyrics with a beat.
50’s/60’s Rockabilly: the shit you get from too much moonshine and pork rinds.....keep a towel on the seat of your pick-up.
60’s psychedelic: this IS the kind of shit that happens when you’ve over-indulged on way more than just too much booze.
60’s folk/protest music: the kind of shit that results from over-exposure to a combination of incense and tear gas.
70’s electronic rock: this is like a shit you think is a revelation at the time it’s happening only to wipe your ass later and flush what really just turned out to be shit.
70’s disco: diarrhea…….the shit you think is never going to end….but thankfully eventually does.....and then inexplicably comes back!
80’s: shit wrapped in a headband.
80’s Techno: Imagine what would slide out of Sonny’s ass in “I, Robot” if it defecated.
90’s grunge: just like a strong Seattle roast will get you moving in the morning, this crap isn’t much different…...though possibly less hygienic, as if you didn’t take time to wipe properly afterwards.
Rap/Hip-Hop: Definitely shit….just a bit darker that day.
Post-2K “Disney-pop” ( as exemplified by Swift, Levato, and other ex-Disney child stars) Shit that is sprayed with deodorant and packaged as wholesome.
Whatever-the-hell-else-you-want-to call-it “pop”: Since I’m not sure what you might be thinking of, I just simply say: “Shit”.
And that’s the bottom line….running right along your underwear…...a brown streak from front to back, top to bottom. Shit all the way. So let’s not argue generationally over whose shit smells better. It’s all just different types of the same thing, be it light tan or dark umber, knobby or smooth, buoyant or a stinker-sinker…..none of it is Mozart. And don’t be fooled by music critics for pop magazines that get all pompous about every note and stylistic departure. They’re just trying to sell you. After all music is big business and a business can’t be big without advertising of one sort or the other. People drink Coors light based on advertising alone...because it tastes like yeasty piss….(and I would know) and it is still a top seller.
So, all that said, let’s get back to halftime shows. This (link) lists all of the halftime shows from the first until today. As you can see from the list there are many years where the show featured a marching band alone or a band along with some singer or singers. The choices ran the gamut from the old to the new. And then in 1976 the show featured a pop band rather than a marching one. Up With People. If that choice wasn’t a foreboding omen of things to follow, I don’t what choice would be. By the 90’s the halftime show as showcase for either a career comeback or a current headliner was routine. Whoever got picked, the other generation quibbled.
The very first Super Bowl Halftime Show......not a single "wardrobe malfunction"!
Maybe they should be singling, "The hills are alive........."
Recently, marching bands have sometimes still been a part of the show…..but always with a featured performer. Why? Those performers have plenty of venues to be seen and heard. And I've read that a lot of performers don't WANT to do the show. So let halftime be halftime. Give it back to the brass and drums alone!