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Friday, December 11, 2020

Chastity begins at home (conclusion)

Picking up where we left off.......................

It’s probably not surprising that something like this has such power. It also fluctuates fluidly between being a game of sorts, and something far more serious. I can see how the whim of deciding an o for someone else can be fun for a Top but being on the other end is a blend. Naturally I want to be in this position, so I do appreciate the control…and tease & denial games are indeed fun......but that doesn't mean such 24/7 control is always easy. Even upon asking, I don’t always get the answer I might this is more than just enhanced sensation play. It is very real control. And while technically I am free to cheat, I am only really free in the sense of being unrestrained. Essentially, by agreement, by my nature, by mutual understanding and expectation, I am not. 

Of course a device renders a lot of the angst over obedience and honor.....moot. LOL But the simple fact is that while I do get locked on occasion, 90% of my chastity is sheer obedience.

I have discussed this with Rosa. She has had full control over me for over a decade and frankly does not in any way see me needing to be free in this area. She doesn’t control to be mean. She says ‘yes’ most of the time, trusting that if I feel strongly enough about the need to ask, then it’s probably something I should be allowed. But when she does say ‘no’, she has a good reason. So if she thinks there are times I should not have this privilege, how can she manage that if I don’t have to ask first?  To her this just makes sense. She believes in herself and her wisdom in decisions concerning me. She loves me and sees her control being for my own good and the good of us as a couple. Therefore my total dependence on her permission to touch myself is as real to her as the expectation that I won’t have an affair, or squander our savings on gambling. Philosophically I may well be ‘free’ to do all of those things and unless locked, physically free as well, but practically speaking doing so would indicate serious problems between us. She expects me to trust her love, judgement, and authority enough to obey what she sees a simple formality: ”just ask first” and appreciate the ‘yes’es’ when they come and learn from whatever might have resulted in the occasional ‘no’.

The serious parts of our arrangement are the easiest for Rosa. But sometimes the fun times are more of a challenge. It's sometimes difficult for her to know when I'm actually looking forward to being denied versus sincerely wanting release. If she has no agenda or current preference of her own at these times, she is quite willing to indulge me......but she is not a mind reader. The solution is usually as simple as her asking me for an honest admission of where my head is at. If I'm in the mood to be denied? Hell, she'll lock me as happily as this young lady here!

She also sees her control as having not only personal but practical benefits. Her decision to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ can be based on her whim, reading of what is best for me, or on her very astute reading of which answer will result in the best frame of mind for her to get what she wants from me later. I tend to get a strong boost of energy after an O…..what we call “lumberjack mode”. ( “I had my O, I feel great!  Let’s chop down a tree!”)  But “lumberjack mode” also renders me a bit cool and distant, focused more on tasks than her. So if she needs something task-oriented to be done…..she’ll be inclined to give me an O, BUT, if what she wants later is a spate of extended pampering with me all submissive and compliant (“puppy mode”), then I’ll probably end up mercilessly teased until I’m reduced to a state of mush and then told to dress…...or maybe even lock up first. But if I’m in this mode, she WILL get my full attention…...even unto a point of occasional annoyance. So each state has it’s upside and its downside. She, as arbiter, uses her judgement to render me closest to what she is after. From my point of view this itself is extremely demonstrative of role and authority. I KNOW she is often deciding things based on this dual aspect of mine and so it can feel a little like being a toy whose owner is deciding what setting to switch it to for maximum enjoyment. My sexuality is being manipulated for optimal results depending on the situation at hand.

This could very well be me in "lumberjack mode" not chopping trees but still putting all of that post-o energy to good Rosa enjoys the benefits.

Over time I have wrestled with this aspect of myself as much as I have with spanking, since there are definitely similarities. And I have talked about this with not only the people involved, but other trusted people as well. We are not just open about DD, so most, though not all of the people who are aware of Rosa spanking me, are also aware that my sexuality is controlled by her. That too is powerful. I mentioned feeling like an alien at times, but with close people knowing, I am an alien whose identity is known as well. No one who knows has any more of a problem with this sexual control than they do with knowing I get spanked…...maybe even less. I’m sure they see me as essentially free to rebel if this became a huge issue, so if I remain compliant then….well….I’m getting what I must need.

While I have never been made to do this, I do well know how it feels to have my sexual control be discussed in front of others. Verdict? Most guys don't get it, most women seem intrigued.

Interestingly, I have repeatedly and consistently gotten the same feedback: while being subject to spankings as punishment and being under the control of another for sexual pleasure are not typical nor even appropriate for most others, those who know me seem to all find it to be a strong positive in my case. No one has ever tried to talk me out of this and suggest more sexual and behavioral autonomy. Instead I have been assured and reassured in times of doubt, that this is probably good for me. To accept it and embrace it. I have been told to my face, in all seriousness, by caring people that I am simply  “better” when under a loved one’s authority.

"What can I say? People who know me and Rosa all think this is an ideal arrangement."

In planning this essay, I actually talked about this topic with Rosa, Ana, Nickki, and even my own biological daughter who I will call “Michelle”. Rosa was very matter-of-fact just as I described in the previous portions of this essay. She sees our arrangement as a given and also understood when I described how her approval is part of my pleasure in the moment. Ana is very busy with finishing up her exams before coming home for Christmas but said she would not mind offering a viewpoint when things calm down. (I'll probably just do a short follow-up if and when she weighs in.)

Nickki said that as unusual as the practice might be, it does align perfectly with my personality, but was a little surprised that it was embraced by Rosa whom she has known for way longer than me. But after some discussion, she said she could see how Rosa would be comfortable with such power. Nickki at first also voiced some disapproval upon learning of the seeming inequity of the arrangement in terms of Rosa getting more orgasms than me, She felt that even with control, the equation should be more balanced. But when I put the inequity in terms of it relating to the perks and price of being a Top or bottom, she immediately saw how it then made sense. I suppose as a Top who understands the fairness of inequity in spanking, she saw that if one half of a loving relationship can be the sole recipient of a sore behind while their partner sits safely and comfortably in the seat of authority, then a Top getting the perk of more orgasms than their submissive partner makes just as much sense.

When you put it in D/s terms, is it really surprising that chaste guys get fewer orgasms than their Tops?

Michelle, who has had multiple revealing “lifestyle” conversations with both me and Rosa over the years......mostly about our DD arrangement, seemed to understand the chastity angle easily enough…..even though she is what I would call an open-minded and adventurous, but mostly vanilla, person herself. She related the practice to a kind of power-based foreplay. Her first question, which she asked in an almost perky bemusement and whose frankness caught me by surprise,  was whether I had ever purposely ‘disobeyed’ the rule in order to prompt a punishment. 

It admittedly made me blink when my own daughter's first reaction to our discussion was wondering whether I invited a punishment with an act of disobedience. A pretty fair question.....but a bit more complicated than the situation depicted here by Kamitora.

I referred to what I stated earlier, that when I was younger and less secure in the role that I had done so, not so much to invite punishment but as a kind of personal revenge on my then-wife at certain times when I was upset with her. But I admitted that while those petty acts seemed justified in the moment, once we had made up over whatever it was, I would feel guilty and confess the breach. Considering my daughter’s knowledge of my current feelings for my “ex”, I think she was a little surprised when I actually gave her mother credit for handling those times pretty admirably. I told her that since that rule was one of her mother’s favorites, she never failed to address a flagrant violation with a no-nonsense spanking severe enough to demonstrate that despite the ‘fun’ aspects of being a D/s couple, there were indeed serious aspects to our roles as well…...and this rule was one of them. 

This could easily illustrate those rare times in the past where a chastity "violation" had its consequences. Chastity can be as much of a 'game' or a serious part of a D/s relationship as each couple views it. In my experience, tease & denial is a kinky game of frustration, whereas day-to-day compliance with staying chaste was much more of a basic expectation.

I also told her that these incidents were rare and became even rarer as I got older. Now, I admitted, with Rosa, I would never think to act that way, even when I’m tempted. Michelle also equated the whole process of asking as a kind of power-based foreplay…...which it certainly can feel like, but she asked more about my assertion that a pre-orgasmic “yes” from Rosa felt like part of the pay-off rather than just a prerequisite to achieve it. With more discussion, she finally understood it and even nodded in agreement that such conditioning didn’t seem that unusual even to her. (and if anyone is thinking: 'wow, this must be a weird topic to discuss with one's own daughter'......well, yeah, it is. But you have to know my daughter, she is a lot like Ana as I've said, and she is neither stupid, nor easily put off. She is after all, a LOT like me.......just not as kinky LOL)

And so that concludes this topic. I would be more than welcome to answer any questions anyone has.....particularly in terms of how something so unusual in comparison to the general population has become so normalized for me over time. 


  1. I was writing a reply yesterday,and it disappeared, and I got angry, but now I can write a better reply.

    Like Shilo wrote yesterday, chastity was a part of our relationship before we even got married. It was one of his many ""drawing points." I had (and still have) a fetish for male chastity, so we would frequently try different things.

    I admit that I enjoyed intercourse with him enough that I would remove the device so we could enjoy each other on a regular basis. We also quickly discovered that my metal allergy required him to use non-metal devices. One of my favorite ones got left in a hotel bathroom in St. Louis(?) I know Shilo will remember.

    Tease and denial is a fun thing as well, and I still use it although rarely, with my boyfriend. I (proudly) receive forced orgasms from him, while he gets no orgasms from me. No chastity device because it's not necessary.

    1. I hate when that happens!

      Neither of us are big on intercourse......which for us is a serendipitous happenstance.

      The rest is very interesting......personal, unique....and mutually satisfying.

  2. Yep, St Louis, Found it on my online diary. 11/17/13.
    I enjoy this topic. But.. I frequently got angry when Merry ordered me to lock it up. I often rebelled by buying cigarettes and smoking when she wasn't around. And when I wasn't caged, often masturbated when she wasn't around. I just could not handle being controlled.

    1. It's obviously not for you then. Go with what works, compromise where you can, and ditch the rest. Why do something that makes you miserable? Right?

    2. Well, flip-flop could be my middle name. I want it, I don't want it.
      I have been re-reading my diary,cand come to see how much of the time I was in gastric distress in those years...methinks, from stress, unable to pay bills. The physical pain kept me uncontrollable, given to fits of anger or rage. As that passed, my willingness caged...increased.
      I don't think I was miserable from the cage, or the O control, but the other physical circumstances.

    3. And finally, found a DR to diagnose gluten intolerance. Helped a lot getting rid of gastric distress.

    4. I should have written,in July of 2015, I found a DR to...

    5. Well then that's a different story. Maybe you might want to give it another try?

    6. Indeed, Ive been reading my diary, which gives an idea of what was going through my head. We did a lot of chastity play in Aug 2015. Still reading from there.
      NOW? Doesn't matter, I haven't had an erection since radiation treatments, One year ago.

  3. Interesting and Frank analysis KD.
    Chastity is not something we practice and I always wondered why couples use it.
    Like spanking I get the empowerment aspect which our ladies would enjoy but for me it is going a bit too far.
    Strangely though, if my wife were to suggest it ,a part of me would not reject it outright.
    Thanks for sharing and being so open.

    1. Thanks, Glen. It's been a long time since I did one of these detailed and personal pieces.

      As for doing it? That's up to you either way....but if you ARE curious, you can certainly do a more limited version so that the things you don't like about it are eliminated or minimized.

    2. I'm curious KD ,but as I said , it's a step too far for me ,even minimized!

  4. KD thanks for sharing such a detailed and intimate description of your lifestyle. I have wondered about such a lifestyle and my wife and have done a little role play a couple of times where I was denied for a week but pleased her. Nothing compared to what you do, just making a comparison and realizing it is not something I could handle but have thought about trying.

    1. You're welcome, Joe.

      Decisions like these are very personal. I know others who are into long term denial.....something I've done as well. But even that evolved for me over time where now I am not as motivated by denial periods as I am about just living under an umbrella of control. It changes. We change. Do what works for you.

      (Hey I have a question: Are you and Joe2 the same person with different accounts or two entirely different "Joe's"? I'm trying to keep things clear in my head. Thanks.)

    2. Got it. Thanks. Makes more sense, too.

  5. I think chastity is definitely something I prefer in my fantasies rather than real life.
    It's certainly an effective way to get men to do things they don't really want to do ;)

    1. From the responses it seems you are not alone. This seems to be a topic that didn't resonate all that well.....even within a blog with a sub male readership.