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Thursday, December 10, 2020

Chastity begins at home (Part 1 of 2)

WARNING: The following is a serious piece about my personal experience with sexual control. It is an adult topic with adult themes and explicit photos.....some of yours truly, himself. If pictures of this nature offend you, or if you'd rather not see more of me than you might wish, you might want to tread cautiously....even though I do hope readers will see the pictures as relevant, moderately tasteful, and sometimes humorous. 

I haven't done a lengthy, in-depth personal revelation in a while, but recently I have been reminiscing about the past. I just turned 61 and I started thinking about the long, crazy path my life has taken. Thoughts of how my life differs from most others was a recurring theme and at one point I began to ponder the seemingly simple, but different-for-me area of orgasms and masturbation. It occurred to me how long I have lived with this simple pleasure being regulated by someone other than myself. I have written before about the appeal of frustration, in a post of that same name....which I have made the feature post for easy reference (just check the margin [in web mode, not phone mode] and you can click it if interested.)......but this is more about the control aspect rather than the intricacies of denial’s physical and emotional effects.

Not me. (In SO many ways.)

The one thing that hit me right from the start is that I had a hard time remembering exactly when it was that such control became a regular part of my life. I recall being free and uncontrolled in my youth and I then recall being under somewhat constant control for most of my post-married life…..I just couldn’t pinpoint the beginning…..though I kind of figured it to be somewhere in the early 90’s. So, given my current age, and averaging things out, you could say that I have been under someone else's control in this area, with very brief lapses, for around three decades,  or over half my life. That felt powerful to realize. In thirty-some odd years, I have not known what it was like to just feel horny, or titillated, and then just go off and masturbate. Jokes about masturbation don't resonate that strongly with me. And things like May 7th being celebrated as National Masturbation Day (a real thing) is like telling a Christian it's Yom Kippur. Other than realizing alternate side parking has been suspended, it doesn't really mean much.....and parking rules don't even change for May 7th. When it comes to free self-pleasuring......I am an alien from another planet.

Some of this control has been enforced with devices that, if not 100% foolproof, are admirable deterrents. But most of this has been a matter of mutual agreement with whomever I was being controlled by at the time. In all of those years there have certainly been missteps of different kinds. Naturally the worst were those which could be considered blatant disobedience. These were very rare and usually coincided with a time when I was angry at the person in control. These were orgasms for spite. Other unauthorized orgasms were the result of “accidents”......sanctioned self-teases that triggered an unintentional passing of that familiar “point of no return”. These ended in utterly unsatisfying ‘ruined orgasms’ that still left me feeling guilty. In each of these situations, the flagrant and the accidental, I nearly always confessed the breach and suffered the consequences.

Long time readers will probably recognize this one-of-a-king contraption as the homemade chastity device I have mentioned and posted about in the past.

If the orgasm was accidental I was usually forgiven without much fuss. At first this apparent leniency surprised me but after a while I learned by having different women react this same seemingly merciful way that their own sense of having someone be obedient to this rule and seeing them genuinely contrite over these rare mishaps to be enough of a power-kick to their egos that further punishment must have seemed like overkill. In the cases where I deliberately broke the rule, the consequences were understandably more punitive. A good, hard, un-fun spanking was always a given….with the promise of a worse one should the rule be defied again. An extended period of denial was another frequent add-on. I do recall one time during my first marriage that in addition to a spanking and period of denial, I also had to spend a lengthy time kneeling with heavily-weighted plastic clothespins attached to my penis.
(That was pretty effective. Not only did it hurt a lot after a while, but my penis was sore for long enough afterwards to make even thinking of touching it unappealing.)

This old B&W pen drawing of mine from the 90's is essentially an accurate "self portrait" of what I described above. While the clips hurt, and the weights made them hurt more, it was the length of time I had to endure this that drove the punitive aspect home......and resulted in  an evenly-spaced ring of tender, purplish 'dashes' where the clips dug in. Very effective, let me tell you. 

I once even had a preventive punishment based on my confession to one past Top that I had been flirting with the notion of a deliberate transgression, not out of weakness or defiance, but as a test of her commitment to the agreement. I wrote about this in my short story, “The Confession”
(link to free story. This is also an E-book on Amazon) which had only some minor fictional flourishes added to an event that otherwise happened very much as written. In this case, the Top with whom I was very much in love, discussed this with me and then decided that a “this is what you’ll get if you ever do”-spanking was in order along with an added O-less month…….which she did not relent on despite enjoying frequent O’s herself.

I have never quite been able to explain why extended denial is a common goal among men who are into this, but very rare…...though not absent…..among submissive women. The one thing I did notice in my time as a Top was that women WILL enjoy having their pleasure controlled, with an orgasm being delayed for a time in the moment, but ultimately given. Any experiments with extended periods proved that, at least the women I knew, just got cranky rather than more pliable over time. Men however, like myself, DO become more pliable with extended denial. My untested conclusion is that there is something chemical going on that differs in the genders.

See that cranky face? I never have too much sympathy for sub women in chastity because experience has taught me that while they may be tantalizingly deferred, they WILL get that O soon enough. If this young lady's Top expects peace in the household, that expression should be a warning sign that maybe it's time to get the key. LOL

Whereas THIS guy? With men it's more typically going to be a week or two, maybe a month, before he gets his release. While rarer, it's not unheard of for a guy to go for several months or even a year.  (for the record, in my past, the longest I went was 150 days)

One other thing I noticed that I mentioned in my post on The Appeal of Frustration but is worth repeating, is that I have never…...and I mean NEVER, had a Top…...even a casual and playful one, decline the offer of being in control of my orgasms. And, to add to that, when this topic has come up among others, while there definitely were women who “just didn’t get it at all”, most not only were amused by the idea, but found it oddly appropriate for me.

I've used this shot before......but I love it! Not one of those ladies looks sorry for the guy.

Rosa herself  initially was a bit baffled by the idea of orgasm control when I first brought it up. But she is a natural Top and her reaction was more about hearing something she never imagined and trying to understand it than being against it. In fact, once she felt she understood it, she adopted the practice pretty quickly. And then…...when she saw for herself what it resulted in for both me and her? Well that was it. There was no going back and eventually we ventured beyond just orgasm control to a rule about “ no touching/teasing” as well. So for about a decade now I have not only needed her permission to orgasm, but to even touch myself in a sexual way. I cannot say this has been easy.

The notion of a guy starting his day with a wank in the shower is such a common theme that I spoofed it with the following cartoon:

To say that the instinct to touch there longer than necessary has disappeared in me would be a lie. Even unlocked....or perhaps ESPECIALLY when unlocked, showers for me have become a daily reminder for just how differently I live than most men.

Looking back it was interesting to recall the slight and sometimes significant variations different Tops have found pertinent. Like I said, Rosa found the concept of "no touching without permission" empowering, even as she admitted that it must be more difficult for me. However, she has no issue with me self-teasing privately as long as I have secured her permission beforehand. My ex was the exact opposite: she did not restrict me from touching, only orgasming without her permission. BUT, if I wanted an orgasm, and she was willing to grant one but not actually deliver it, she did not allow me privacy to stimulate myself. Instead, she would have me masturbate to completion in her presence.....which sometimes meant she was watching in amusement, or even ignoring me while reading a book. Rosa has done this as well but it is not something that happens as regularly. Yet another Top liked the control but insisted that she always be the one to induce my orgasm. It was like she didn't mind me having them, but didn't want me touching myself.

The one thing all of these women had in common though was control. And for me, that meant that my sexual pleasure, in whatever form it took, was dependent on the whim and will of others......and still is.

So what does living like this mean? Well, for one thing such an arrangement is pervasive. Where timing, circumstances, moods, arguments, emergencies, etc. can all interfere with sex, spanking, and other sexual activities both kinky and vanilla, a chastity arrangement is always IN effect and always HAVING an effect. There is no escape, no interruption. It just is something that is always there, always a part of one’s life regardless of what else may be going on. DD can wax and wane but chastity is omnipresent. 

As such my day-in/day-out goes something like this: my default understanding for myself is that while I am pretty free to do as I please in most areas of my life, as long as our house rules are being followed, one area: sexual pleasure, is simply not up to me. So, if I feel a little horny and would like some attention, I can’t just indulge myself the way most men do. I have to ask Rosa if it’s OK. Usually I never wish to have an orgasm outside of her presence, and that is my choice, so if she’s not around my request is typically just for some self-teasing. But I can request a private O if I really want one. These private, solo O-requests are very VERY rare though. If she is busy and doesn’t respond to my text, there is nothing for me to do but wait. If my window of opportunity closes in that time span then, that’s just my bad luck: no touching. But if she does respond, it is usually to grant permission. There are times though, where she will say no, and other times where her ‘yes’ is conditional on me completing some chore first. 

Me having a sanctioned daytime tease after texting my honey at work for permission.

Now when it comes to self-pleasuring…..whether that ends in orgasm or not…..there is a certain private element to it for most people. Masturbation among the greater population is one of those things we all kind of know goes on, but is not announced. It happens when the mood strikes and it happens in private. Having to ask for permission completely eliminates this near-universal aspect of personal freedom and privacy. And as natural as the urge may be, and as close a couple may be, having to take the time to type out a text asking for permission does make things harder. There are plenty of times when I would have wanted to ask and for whatever reason, just decided not to. A typical person’s masturbation habits and desires are theirs to decide and theirs to enjoy privately. Mine are neither. If I wish to enjoy touching myself, she has to agree, and for her to agree, I have to ask. If asking strikes me as too embarrassing that day, well then, my choice has already been made.

Okay, who masturbates freely and privately? Show of hands, please? Notice how I am NOT in this picture?

Besides private moments, naturally there are those times where Rosa and I are contemplating some adult time together, and having this understanding colors that as well. One of the first things I will determine is exactly what her thoughts are regarding what we do next. Does she want an O for herself, and does she intend for me to have one as well? Sometimes she will just say what she is thinking, ( "Give me an O!" is a frequent command....even if it is a playful and welcome one. But when she says it this way, I know there's nothing on the menu for me. LOL) and other times she will seek my input as to my own level of need. So, any adult time together could end up with all of the attention on her, some teasing for me, or an O for me as well. But being together for “sex” is no guarantee in and of it itself that I will end up having an orgasm. In fact, the odds are decidedly against it.

While the path to an orgasm for me in the past was pretty varied, due to a lot of physical factors that have affected me in the last few years, there is a kind of “usual way” that I now get nearly all of my orgasms. And that method has come to further enhance my feelings of submissive gratitude and has been often described here on this very blog. Regardless of what has transpired beforehand, if it then becomes time for “my turn”, I will procure a substantial electric massager we keep in our drawer as she redresses to some degree. I will remain naked. Rosa will then lay back against a pile of pillows, massager in hand, with my head at her feet and my groin within her reach. From there it is a simple matter of her applying the machine in any manner she chooses to stimulate me while I kiss her feet. 

Usually when I kiss her feet at other times, I am positioned so that I approach her toes from above, but when I am positioned for an O, I end up aligned with the underside of her feet. My kisses are then directed to her soles and toes from below, all the while with her face and clothed body visible to me in the distance. This position is also powerful for me in that it seems to accentuate my subordinate station.  She appears very aloof and regal, teasing me with a playfully detached nonchalance.  It’s as if she is exerting minimal effort while I feel more and more overwhelmed.  As the sensations build, I naturally feel more appreciative of the attention and lavish kisses fawningly. 

Rosa's toes and soles exactly as I encounter them when allowed a tease or O.

As things build towards a climax, I feel undeserving and  servile. I think of our disparate roles and the degree to which they separate us at times like this. She is elevated. I am groveling knowing that the only way I’ll get an orgasm is if she permits one. If she changes her mind, or gets bored, or just decides not to, I have no recourse, so I kiss and lick frenetically, soaking in her warmth and scent. I can’t think of a time when she ever just stopped me at this point to change her mind, but when a person has the power to do that, as the subordinate, it is only natural to realize that it could happen and that it is best to keep the person-with-the-power feeling loved and appreciated.

Though not me, and clearly woman-to-woman, I felt the expression here best illustrated how I feel as those sensations in my groin peak.

Even if an orgasm has been approved beforehand, one thing that is still an understood formality is that at the time I am receiving attention, I will notify her of my ‘status’. Typically I’ll just get to a point and pause in my kissing to  say. “I’m getting close”. She will then either stop her stimulation and then resume in a series of teases, or just nod with a “Hmmm-hmm” acknowledgment. If she does this I know she is going to continue on until I ejaculate. But even then, when that explosive moment is imminent, I will say, (in an understandably desperate voice) “I’m going to go. Can I have an o, please?” and when she says yes…. I will relax and conclude. 

I can’t think of a time when I haven’t sought this final, formal permission. It’s just understood between us that even with a prior understanding that I can have an O, the permission itself is important enough to warrant that in-the-moment confirmation. She has even denied or more accurately delayed final permission on rare occasions, asking that I hold out just a bit more and then she’ll say yes as my pleas and kisses get more desperate. I have come to feel over time that her final permission is as important to me as the physical sensation of the orgasm itself since I could not fully enjoy either without the other. It’s like having a two-stage orgasm where the first part is hearing her say ‘yes’ so I can relax and allow the second part, the orgasm itself, to happen. This is understandable because at the moment I am asking I am also fighting against the orgasm so as not to have it  happen before permission is granted.

(to be continued and concluded in a day or so)


  1. Recommended reading
    The couple have been blogging their journey since Feb of 2014

    1. I am familiar with the blog and its author, who is a regular around our "circuit". They certainly seem real......which is a big qualifier when you see what's out there posing as real. Thanks for the recommendation though.

  2. I have been re-reading my own online diary, that I started in late June, 2013, shortly after meeting Merry. For the first six months, I spent half my time in chastity, under orgasm control. After that, just too many times my Ego interfered, and I took control back. I was not a good submissive, but I did love to be spanked.

    1. It's not for most things except eating nd breathing LOL. In fact, I think it accentuates my situation even more so when I have to acknowledge that even among fellow 'submissive males' (who are already a small fraction of the population) that my situation is even a smaller subset and that even obedient males subject to spanking are still freer than I am in this area.

  3. There's a lot here that resonates with me.
    My wife and I are nine years into an FLR where my occasional climax is completely at her discretion.
    We also have a usual position for when I might be released - sitting facing each other, my legs around her, her lotiony hands around my shaft.
    I need to self-report ("You're gonna make me come...") and she'll generally back off at that point and let me regain my composure, before continuing.
    I never know how these sessions will end. She may pull her hands back and say 'We're done'; she may take me over the edge before she withdraws, 'ruining' me; she may (after I ask permission, like you), complete me with a spectacular orgasm; and even after that, she may (usually does) continue with some very dominant post-orgasm-torture. I'm completely at her whim, and I love it!
    And asking permission really does add a very submissive touch, doesn't it? In one sense, it's just another conversation between husband and wife, like "what should we have for dinner?"
    But it's happening while I'm writhing around naked in her grip, my body aching for release, but trying to hold back, my mind secretly craving more denial!

    I see you've posted the followup, so I'll leave off with that and check out the rest.
    Great post, kd!

    1. Thanks, CK. What you describe is certainly the gist of the D/s "fun" aspect of orgasm control. By all means contribute the more mundane feelings of the day-to-day. It is that aspect that I think is very under-reported or discussed. Sure, the tantalizing edges and whatever are titillating, but what about staying chaste when you're horny, unlocked, and upset with your wife? What do you tell yourself when you think of all the people around you who are free to enjoy this simple thing that you are not?

  4. Good question, kd.
    We began this when my wife's sex drive began to lag mine. I certainly didn't want to cheat; I didn't want to just become a daily masturbator, which seemed to be happening. I decided to rededicate myself to pleasing her however she wanted, and to 'enjoy' the frustration the rest of the time.
    Another submissive husband was born! (One of many many, I think.)
    As you say, it's 'pervasive'. And it seems to be common in middle-aged married men.
    It's who I am now. Sure, I imagine those couples having sex nightly, with blowjobs thrown in as extras, and yes, I'm jealous. But that's not my life, and I'm happy with who I am and where my marriage is at.
    I'm pretty much all honor-system chastity, and though I do get to edge myself, it's been a long time since any accidents.
    I do think that many submissive husbands feel superior to regular ones, particular when they suffer spankings, as I do too. (Look at how loving and devoted I am!) That's a good feeling too, along with all the 'kinky' pleasures.

    1. Interesting. Thanks for your candid reply. Chastity can be many things to many people....and not always the same in execution, intent, feel, or consistency.