WARNING: The following is a serious piece about my personal experience with sexual control. It is an adult topic with adult themes and explicit photos.....some of yours truly, himself. If pictures of this nature offend you, or if you'd rather not see more of me than you might wish, you might want to tread cautiously....even though I do hope readers will see the pictures as relevant, moderately tasteful, and sometimes humorous.
I haven't done a lengthy, in-depth personal revelation in a while, but recently I have been reminiscing about the past. I just turned 61 and I started thinking about the long, crazy path my life has taken. Thoughts of how my life differs from most others was a recurring theme and at one point I began to ponder the seemingly simple, but different-for-me area of orgasms and masturbation. It occurred to me how long I have lived with this simple pleasure being regulated by someone other than myself. I have written before about the appeal of frustration, in a post of that same name....which I have made the feature post for easy reference (just check the margin [in web mode, not phone mode] and you can click it if interested.)......but this is more about the control aspect rather than the intricacies of denial’s physical and emotional effects.
The one thing that hit me right from the start is that I had a hard time remembering exactly when it was that such control became a regular part of my life. I recall being free and uncontrolled in my youth and I then recall being under somewhat constant control for most of my post-married life…..I just couldn’t pinpoint the beginning…..though I kind of figured it to be somewhere in the early 90’s. So, given my current age, and averaging things out, you could say that I have been under someone else's control in this area, with very brief lapses, for around three decades, or over half my life. That felt powerful to realize. In thirty-some odd years, I have not known what it was like to just feel horny, or titillated, and then just go off and masturbate. Jokes about masturbation don't resonate that strongly with me. And things like May 7th being celebrated as National Masturbation Day (a real thing) is like telling a Christian it's Yom Kippur. Other than realizing alternate side parking has been suspended, it doesn't really mean much.....and parking rules don't even change for May 7th. When it comes to free self-pleasuring......I am an alien from another planet.
Some of this control has been enforced with devices that, if not 100% foolproof, are admirable deterrents. But most of this has been a matter of mutual agreement with whomever I was being controlled by at the time. In all of those years there have certainly been missteps of different kinds. Naturally the worst were those which could be considered blatant disobedience. These were very rare and usually coincided with a time when I was angry at the person in control. These were orgasms for spite. Other unauthorized orgasms were the result of “accidents”......sanctioned self-teases that triggered an unintentional passing of that familiar “point of no return”. These ended in utterly unsatisfying ‘ruined orgasms’ that still left me feeling guilty. In each of these situations, the flagrant and the accidental, I nearly always confessed the breach and suffered the consequences.
If the orgasm was accidental I was usually forgiven without much fuss. At first this apparent leniency surprised me but after a while I learned by having different women react this same seemingly merciful way that their own sense of having someone be obedient to this rule and seeing them genuinely contrite over these rare mishaps to be enough of a power-kick to their egos that further punishment must have seemed like overkill. In the cases where I deliberately broke the rule, the consequences were understandably more punitive. A good, hard, un-fun spanking was always a given….with the promise of a worse one should the rule be defied again. An extended period of denial was another frequent add-on. I do recall one time during my first marriage that in addition to a spanking and period of denial, I also had to spend a lengthy time kneeling with heavily-weighted plastic clothespins attached to my penis. (That was pretty effective. Not only did it hurt a lot after a while, but my penis was sore for long enough afterwards to make even thinking of touching it unappealing.)
I once even had a preventive punishment based on my confession to one past Top that I had been flirting with the notion of a deliberate transgression, not out of weakness or defiance, but as a test of her commitment to the agreement. I wrote about this in my short story, “The Confession” (link to free story. This is also an E-book on Amazon) which had only some minor fictional flourishes added to an event that otherwise happened very much as written. In this case, the Top with whom I was very much in love, discussed this with me and then decided that a “this is what you’ll get if you ever do”-spanking was in order along with an added O-less month…….which she did not relent on despite enjoying frequent O’s herself.
I have never quite been able to explain why extended denial is a common goal among men who are into this, but very rare…...though not absent…..among submissive women. The one thing I did notice in my time as a Top was that women WILL enjoy having their pleasure controlled, with an orgasm being delayed for a time in the moment, but ultimately given. Any experiments with extended periods proved that, at least the women I knew, just got cranky rather than more pliable over time. Men however, like myself, DO become more pliable with extended denial. My untested conclusion is that there is something chemical going on that differs in the genders.
One other thing I noticed that I mentioned in my post on The Appeal of Frustration but is worth repeating, is that I have never…...and I mean NEVER, had a Top…...even a casual and playful one, decline the offer of being in control of my orgasms. And, to add to that, when this topic has come up among others, while there definitely were women who “just didn’t get it at all”, most not only were amused by the idea, but found it oddly appropriate for me.
Rosa herself initially was a bit baffled by the idea of orgasm control when I first brought it up. But she is a natural Top and her reaction was more about hearing something she never imagined and trying to understand it than being against it. In fact, once she felt she understood it, she adopted the practice pretty quickly. And then…...when she saw for herself what it resulted in for both me and her? Well that was it. There was no going back and eventually we ventured beyond just orgasm control to a rule about “ no touching/teasing” as well. So for about a decade now I have not only needed her permission to orgasm, but to even touch myself in a sexual way. I cannot say this has been easy.
Now when it comes to self-pleasuring…..whether that ends in orgasm or not…..there is a certain private element to it for most people. Masturbation among the greater population is one of those things we all kind of know goes on, but is not announced. It happens when the mood strikes and it happens in private. Having to ask for permission completely eliminates this near-universal aspect of personal freedom and privacy. And as natural as the urge may be, and as close a couple may be, having to take the time to type out a text asking for permission does make things harder. There are plenty of times when I would have wanted to ask and for whatever reason, just decided not to. A typical person’s masturbation habits and desires are theirs to decide and theirs to enjoy privately. Mine are neither. If I wish to enjoy touching myself, she has to agree, and for her to agree, I have to ask. If asking strikes me as too embarrassing that day, well then, my choice has already been made.
Besides private moments, naturally there are those times where Rosa and I are contemplating some adult time together, and having this understanding colors that as well. One of the first things I will determine is exactly what her thoughts are regarding what we do next. Does she want an O for herself, and does she intend for me to have one as well? Sometimes she will just say what she is thinking, ( "Give me an O!" is a frequent command....even if it is a playful and welcome one. But when she says it this way, I know there's nothing on the menu for me. LOL) and other times she will seek my input as to my own level of need. So, any adult time together could end up with all of the attention on her, some teasing for me, or an O for me as well. But being together for “sex” is no guarantee in and of it itself that I will end up having an orgasm. In fact, the odds are decidedly against it.
While the path to an orgasm for me in the past was pretty varied, due to a lot of physical factors that have affected me in the last few years, there is a kind of “usual way” that I now get nearly all of my orgasms. And that method has come to further enhance my feelings of submissive gratitude and has been often described here on this very blog. Regardless of what has transpired beforehand, if it then becomes time for “my turn”, I will procure a substantial electric massager we keep in our drawer as she redresses to some degree. I will remain naked. Rosa will then lay back against a pile of pillows, massager in hand, with my head at her feet and my groin within her reach. From there it is a simple matter of her applying the machine in any manner she chooses to stimulate me while I kiss her feet.
Usually when I kiss her feet at other times, I am positioned so that I approach her toes from above, but when I am positioned for an O, I end up aligned with the underside of her feet. My kisses are then directed to her soles and toes from below, all the while with her face and clothed body visible to me in the distance. This position is also powerful for me in that it seems to accentuate my subordinate station. She appears very aloof and regal, teasing me with a playfully detached nonchalance. It’s as if she is exerting minimal effort while I feel more and more overwhelmed. As the sensations build, I naturally feel more appreciative of the attention and lavish kisses fawningly.
As things build towards a climax, I feel undeserving and servile. I think of our disparate roles and the degree to which they separate us at times like this. She is elevated. I am groveling knowing that the only way I’ll get an orgasm is if she permits one. If she changes her mind, or gets bored, or just decides not to, I have no recourse, so I kiss and lick frenetically, soaking in her warmth and scent. I can’t think of a time when she ever just stopped me at this point to change her mind, but when a person has the power to do that, as the subordinate, it is only natural to realize that it could happen and that it is best to keep the person-with-the-power feeling loved and appreciated.
Even if an orgasm has been approved beforehand, one thing that is still an understood formality is that at the time I am receiving attention, I will notify her of my ‘status’. Typically I’ll just get to a point and pause in my kissing to say. “I’m getting close”. She will then either stop her stimulation and then resume in a series of teases, or just nod with a “Hmmm-hmm” acknowledgment. If she does this I know she is going to continue on until I ejaculate. But even then, when that explosive moment is imminent, I will say, (in an understandably desperate voice) “I’m going to go. Can I have an o, please?” and when she says yes…. I will relax and conclude.
I can’t think of a time when I haven’t sought this final, formal permission. It’s just understood between us that even with a prior understanding that I can have an O, the permission itself is important enough to warrant that in-the-moment confirmation. She has even denied or more accurately delayed final permission on rare occasions, asking that I hold out just a bit more and then she’ll say yes as my pleas and kisses get more desperate. I have come to feel over time that her final permission is as important to me as the physical sensation of the orgasm itself since I could not fully enjoy either without the other. It’s like having a two-stage orgasm where the first part is hearing her say ‘yes’ so I can relax and allow the second part, the orgasm itself, to happen. This is understandable because at the moment I am asking I am also fighting against the orgasm so as not to have it happen before permission is granted.