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Sunday, January 31, 2021

The elephant (part 1)

This will be another two-part post since there simply is too much to load into one. 

During the interview with Nickki, I revealed that I have suffered from some degree of ED ever since 7th grade. My frankness shocked some I’m sure, but perhaps out of politeness, or awkwardness, not too many addressed the issue itself. Even Nickki admitted a “wow” moment at hearing me out myself, but then went straight to another topic. ED does that to people. Even me. But despite my reluctance to reveal too much on this in the past, I must admit that I actually have alluded to it many times in other places. However, it occurred to me that now that the ‘cat is out of the bag’ (or perhaps ‘dead mouse’ is more accurate), I feel emboldened to own this and explore it with you all in a way that whisks away the cobwebs and opens the drapes to let the sunlight in…..even if that sunlight illuminates some misshapen monstrosities. Nothing will be sugar-coated, no feelings spared. ED is the epitome of the “elephant in the room” and specifically the bedroom. But I’ve had enough of hiding it and being embarrassed by it. My recent Covid experience truly changed the way I look at a lot of things. One was asking myself what I want to be in the next ten years. But to answer that question maybe I first needed to examine who I used to be, currently am, and why. 


There are several aspects to explore, and I wish to deal with a few I think are important to understanding the shame and difficulties associated with ED, namely the common and frankly accepted denigration of it, my own strategy of  how to live with it in a way that cuts through some of the ugliness, and finally, my own story from the start of the issue until now. 


-----Denigration 

There is simply no other impairment whose routine mockery is as unapologetic as impotence. My impotence is as much my fault as being mentally or physically handicapped. And who knows? Maybe some quadriplegic got that way by reading the “Shallow Water-Don’t dive” sign and laughed it off as stupid? But me? I did nothing to deserve this problem, yet I seem to be fair game. Whereas in the distant past, alcoholism was a rampant source of humor, and later obesity was the one to pervade a lot of swathes, now it is quite UN-PC to ridicule the addicted or overweight. But I feel that even those who sympathize to a degree, still can't suppress a snicker at ED jokes. 

On a public billboard. Imagine a similar public joke at the expense of the blind.

In the past, even when women had few if any rights, they could seek divorce or annul a marriage due to impotence. Spouses of men who became impotent due to injury could sue the person who caused it. Men are revered for potency and derided for impotence. Imagine doing that with any other handicap. “Ha ha, look at that blind guy! Can’t even see where he’s going. What a chump!” Switch that to impotence and you may well have both women and men laugh along. Laws, mores, and human nature all clearly sent the message that being impotent meant you were "less than".

A monument to failure.

So horrible is the problem of ED, that the discovery of “the little blue pill” was sensational…….yet opened the door to a whole new flood of “Viagra Jokes”.  And yet? I don’t think I’ve ever heard an “insulin joke”  or “antibiotic joke”. 

Not cruel, but clearly indicative of the fact that Viagra is 'fair game' in a way that is funny to all but the ones who need to use it.

I can’t think of any impairment that reflects as negatively on the sufferer as ED. People sympathize with the depressed, the handicapped, and even the addicted, but with ED, people sympathize more with the sufferer’s spouse.  Such rampant denigration results in a lot of things besides embarrassment. There is anger, depression, and after being subjected to years of being the butt of jokes and target of derision, you begin to be conditioned in feeling inferior. 


Even with ED, I am not without a sense of humor though. While 'about' Viagra, the joke is not really about making fun of the guy's ED....and it's funny.

Then there’s erotica. Even the softest romantic novel for women describes the phallic ideal…..and it’s not me. Spanking stuff shows rigid penises. And the frequent common, almost universal dirty talk of wanting a “hard cock” coming out of the mouths of even the most modest of women all show its importance. Wives brag about their potent husbands, envy the more potent, and fantasize about the elusive extremes. No one lays awake at night dreaming of a limp noodle. Just look at candids of women of all ages at a bachelorette party with a male stripper. Long, hard cocks are magnets for attention. Basically: Potency=admiration and impotence=derision.

The ideal I will never live up to.

And the massive erect penis you see in a modern Kami Tora cartoon is dwarfed by ridiculously well-hung, ceramic, fertility figures going back hundreds and even thousands of years. The penis is, and always has been, revered…...as long as it works. Those of us with the non-functioning variety have little to celebrate.

A well-hung fertility 'huaco'  from the Larco Museum, in Lima, Peru. This guy is doing very well for himself.....especially since he's supposed to depict the dead. Imagine how I felt as someone still breathing looking at this lucky guy!

----My strategy…...which almost works

But if the public can be cruel about ED, imagine what can go on privately. What partner ever wants to be unable to satisfy the woman they love? What woman expects this to happen? Who would choose to be this way? My experience with this has been varied, mitigated by kinkiness, and by a certain alternate approach to sex, and these quirks have helped my unique situation more than they’ve hurt or complicated it.

This is clearly a gentleman likely close to my age and yet he has no problem impressing this young lady. I would not fare as fortunately.

Because I had this issue from an early age, and because I was kinky from an early age, I eventually realized that if I was ever going to be happy, I’d have to work to overcome the prejudice against both. I would simply need to find women who were not only open-minded to kink, or better yet, kinky themselves, but for whom intercourse was not a preferred activity. Fortunately for me this combination is not that uncommon. In fact, I have noticed that women with issues over male-dominated, penetration-oriented relationships, often gravitate to enjoying being in charge and being sexually pleasured without having to submit to unsatisfying intercourse. Conversely, from what I’ve seen, the more traditional and submissive females who seek more dominant men, also seem to like being penetrated. Penetration is a dominant and almost aggressive act, and the types of ladies who prefer it are often turned on by that. 

The key here again for someone like me is knowing what is likely to work and bring satisfaction and then being selective in dating to find someone who would benefit from it, even if it means passing by some lovely ladies in the process. The alternative of just seeking out lovely ladies, keeping the unpleasant stuff a secret, and hoping it will all work out in the end is a strategy I consider doomed from the start.

Another quirk of mine whose origin seems to coincide with the peak of my ED issues is my interest in chastity and denial. I wonder if my inclination towards chastity play is rooted more in my overall kinkiness or in my ED? It would make sense my ED played a significant part, even though it was never a conscious association. Being locked up takes away the stress of having to perform genitally. A dominant female can have the thrill of controlling her guy, even making him crazy with desire, and still enjoy an orgasm, or string of orgasms, from his oral or alternate attentions and not expect him to leave his cage. Chastity also eroticizes “not having sex”. Making a lack of sex desirable and enjoyable in its own right. I’m not a psychologist but even I would presume a connection of some kind.

I'm sure teasing with this result is more gratifying to the teaser than what happens with me. It's rough to find alternate avenues and still have them tainted by ED.

The thing is, I have managed to live with ED with some special women who don’t seem to mind it, but still found that even they have their moments when they just want intercourse for feelings of intimacy …….even if they rarely orgasm from it. And it is in those instances when all of my alternate efforts are as useless as I then feel I am. 

(to be continued in Part 2: with "My Story")

Friday, January 29, 2021

Sexy models

Not living models, but resin and metal ones. A friend of mine from college fencing used to give me collectible models gleaned from specialty companies catering to the adult market. Most of these were pretty sexy to begin with, and each had a theme that somehow related to my interests.....which is why he chose them as gifts, but in each case, additional tweaks from me made them into unique customized pieces. Now it's been a few years and while he and I didn't really have a falling out, ( more of a drifting apart), the models remain. In fact, two were laying around half-finished for years. My recent Covid nightmare prompted a surge in "cleaning up" unfinished business, and some of that meant finally finishing these two dormant projects. 

Today's post is going to include the models I made from these special gifts. (One interesting tidbit, is that I never asked for any of these. The selection of the model was all on my friend.) As stated, two will be models I just finished, but the others go back a long time, decades in some cases. But here they all are:

To get a sense of my "tweaks" I thought it might help to see how the model was originally intended to look after assembly and painting. This is the box the following piece came in.


But rather than have some female axe-warrior, I decided to make some changes and turn her into something a bit more "Femdommy". Note the axe has been replaced with a rather intimidating paddle and her crotch is sporting a sizable strap-on. 

And here's a rear view. This resin piece is about 4" tall.

The next piece is extra-special. "A Clockwork Orange" is firmly established in my lifelong "Top 5 Movies of All Time"...........and my friend knew that. Over the years he's gotten me several collectibles related to this movie. But the most extravagant was a large resin model featuring a female 'Alex'. 

Malcolm McDowell as "Alex" 

A menacing Alex with his 'droogs'......having a little 'moloko plus'.


And here's my female "Alex". To be precise, I tried to find a picture of what this resin model originally looked like, but no luck. So....I will tell you what I changed. The original did not have exposed breasts or chaps, so besides the overall assembly, I did some carving and sculpting and made the outfit a bit more provocative. One glaring omission in the original was the absence of Alex's classic 'eyeball cufflinks. So I added one. (The other would not be seen given the position of the arm.) It also did not come with the little table or any of the extra goodies. I made all of those. Included are the vulgar mask Alex wore when he committed his rape and murder, a glass of  'moloko plus', and naturally a vintage vinyl Beethoven LP.


A rear look at the cut-out 'chaps'. Anyone who reads here regularly understands my affinity for chaps. No way was this young lady going to stand around with her delectable bottom covered! LOL And for the record, this piece stands nearly 12" tall! 

The rest of these are past projects that go back from a few years ( like the knight below) to decades.

Besides painting and assembly, I did very little to this metal model. All I added were her nipple rings and connecting chain. 

A rear view of this 4.5" metal piece.


This was a bizarre piece to begin with. The original depicted a semi-clad female fencer wearing no mask or uniform, just a corset. As a fencer that has had my share of injuries (including two that drew blood, and one even cutting through my uniform, I knew her attire was not entirely without risk. ) What I chose to do was alter the corset with some additional sculpting to look as if she once HAD a uniform that over time and serious dueling was now reduced to shreds. I also painted her to look like she took some hits. ( I even toyed with an eyepatch, but decided against it for a number of reasons.)

Here she is from behind. I tried to not overdo the cuts. I wanted her injuries to be minor but realistic and a bit gritty for how she was dressed. She's a little thing, standing no more than 3" tall and cast in metal.


This last piece was ironically the first ever given to me.....literally decades ago. My friend was aware of my kinkiness even then and selected her because she came as a sort of nearly-naked dominatrix. However, I decided from the start to break some stereotypes and after putting her together, added quite a few tweaks. I pierced her nipples, added chains to her boots, and even made that entire collar/metal bra combination, along with an arm coil. Then I took away the odd implement she came with and made a custom crop for her and an additional dangling flogger. But my favorite decision was to eschew the recommended paintjob of raven hair and pale skin and instead make this menacing beauty a freckled redhead. (check out the dusting of freckles on her shoulders, face, and decolletage.)

A rear view of this 5" resin piece.

I know Tomy will like these, but I hope their unmistakably sexy and frequently kinky tweaking will make them appeal to more of you! 


























Thursday, January 28, 2021

Nickki responds

Rather than just leave ‘a’ comment, Nickki told me that she would send me a point-by-point reaction to most of them. True to her word, she sent me replies the other day and I have short responses to some, answers to questions asked, and longer explanations where  something seemed to need one. Here it is: 

(on me being a woman) Hannah is a soft beautiful feminine name and it suits you.  Loved your wild imagination but Jean would never allow you home.  

my response: Well she does now, and that’s more important. LOL

(on being rejected over my DD inclination) You made a comment that you felt betrayed by your ex wife. Was the betrayal focused on her neglecting to participate any longer as your dd partner or can you accept that a person just doesn’t want to walk through life as the punisher? Is this going to be a problem when I say , “okay my shoulder is ripped and I can no longer do this”, will you resent my request?

my response: This is probably the only topic that cries out for a lot more explanation. Your example poses a hypothetical where your shoulder is ripped, a physical problem, thwarting an agreement between friends, which is very different than stopping something more emotionally key to a relationship because of no longer wanting to do something that was being done for a long time and something I just don't enjoy but kind of need to feel complete. Now, no one should have to do something they don't want to. But let's be honest. Sudden major decisions are completely acceptable for anyone, but never without consequence.

Suppose I just told Rosa that I now find kissing 'yucky'? No more kissing. Not because of some lip injury, no reason other than a sudden and personal change of feeling over the practice. Now on one hand, no one can force me to continue doing something I now find unappealing. But what would be the long-term consequences? What would be the long term consequences if Jean said she suddenly wasn't into something crucial to your relationship? It would be her call, her right, but it would not be without consequence. 

Now way more went into my divorce than this. In fact the decision to end the relationship was hers, not mine due to this decision. And if you asked me to state what the problem really was? It was as simple as her just not loving me anymore. And THAT issue then led to all the other problems ( constant negative criticism, name-calling, lack of intimacy, belittling on an almost abusive basis, meanness, and then the end to kink ). I think for someone who enjoyed kink for many years to suddenly not want to do it anymore says more about the health of the relationship than the kink itself.

As for you? We are friends. We took our time getting to where we are, and now we are here. It's been rewarding for us both. But, if it runs its course? Well, we were friends BEFORE our arrangement. I think we could manage being friends after. But, I won't lie and say it wouldn't make me sad. But I think you might feel similarly disappointed if one day I just said, "sorry Honey, but between time and my back, I just can't help you guys with home projects anymore." Although you'd fully understand my decision, I think you'd miss the help. Like I said, decisions are personal rights, but even the most logical decision has consequences.

(on my varied interests) You have done it all. What is left on your list to explore? What are you missing that you would like to explore?

Well not all...... but to your question, there’s not that much I am looking to add besides travel.



( on me being a 'bad boy' ) Not! I’ve seen you as a ‘mad boy,’ pissed off boy, but never a bad boy.

my response: You are too wild yourself to see me that way, but there are some very straight-edged people out there…….and they do at times. I don’t see it myself though. Hell, I’m the guy who seeks accountability and punishment, not the open road on a Harley.

I guess I don't want to be bad.......just bad enough to bring on some retribution. LOL


( on activities that bring peace ) Fishing is my love also. Jean showed me how to fish on my birthday and I stayed for hours . It brings me peace. For me it's not the water….I'm terrified.  I just love feeling the fish rob me of my worm and me thinking it's the big one.

my response: We should go together sometime.



(on Nickki being a Black Lesbian) I recall you saying you had quite a few gay friends in college I think more and more that you are my buddy so being friends  with me is no different than being friends with your old friend from college. You and I talk shop, women and sex. We  don’t talk sports because you don’t bring it up. 

my response: Actually I meant during my first marriage even more than college.  The list of Lesbians I was either close to, or just friendly with, could fill a women’s softball team…….and did. LOL. And if you are waiting for me to bring up sports, it’s going to be a long wait. LOL

(on my confession that Nickki’s ethnic-styled scolding affects me profoundly ) Are you saying white women are soft?.......... because they are!  Unless they grew up in a trailer park. Black women have to OWN it or we lose it. We have to take a stand.

my response: Not “soft” as much as somehow less intimidating. When you get going even Jean has noticed and commented…..if you recall the day when you called me back to the window.


( on winning the lottery ) I first thought you were crazy that 2.5 million was too little . But then I’ve always been in the business of helping others, so I guess it wouldn’t last that long.

my response: Agreed.

( on what vintage movie star I would most identify with ) Orson Welles, wow! I learned something new about you and had a lesson. For me, I would love to have been Shirley Black  AKA Shirley Temple.

my response: Didn’t see that one coming.

Shirley in leather. LOL

( on my first impression of Nickki ) Yes, the parking lot of Woodbridge Rec. From the beginning I was worried, would you be the right man for Rosa? I would look for all your faults, but I never looked at Rosa’s strength, conviction, and love for you. She has grown in this relationship. Today you are my favorite couple. I don’t worry about her. When pre-menopause started she showed the lion in her.

my response: All true and thanks. And yeah, I knew I was being evaluated by you AND Jean. But that  just made me realize you were good friends  looking out for Rosa. After all, on first meeting, we looked more like a bad stereotype than what we were and are. And my side of friends acted similarly.

(on which Stooge I would be ) When I was young this was one of my favorite shows. There was  a scene where they were boiling eggs on the stove and the big one ate the shell and it looked so good that I boiled an egg and bit the shell and all and it was horrible. I was about 9 years old and realized that moment that TV is fake. 

my response: Ah…...life lessons. (They don’t all require a lap and paddle. LOL)

(on what I would physically change about myself ) Wow! Remind me to never play Truth or Dare with you. I understand your issue with a hairy body. I once was about to be intimate with a girl, and just as I slipped my hand down her pants she told me she was not like other girls. I soon learned that hair everywhere was not the only issue she had.

my response: I can be a risky person to play that game with, but to be honest while I kept my ED mostly private and only alluded to it now and then, just saying it out loud felt liberating and less embarrassing than I feared. I think I may even do a full post on it in the future. Sometimes volatile and emotionally-loaded issues can only be put in perspective by airing them in bright light, rather than hiding them in a closet. (Your story is interesting. I hope the other issue was not some kind of “Crying Game” redux.)

(on a photo I found that looks like us but isn’t) That does look like my arm and leg! HA ha.ha

my response: It does.

(on my embarrassing episode of trans foot worship) Okay I know you have to obey, but in this instance I would  have asked her (the Top friend who brought me) to step outside and express  my displeasure at her not mentioning this important aspect of information. I would have to suffer the wrath later. Spank away, baby.

my response: Well, the situation was not conducive to that, but worse was I was in no frame of mind to think that rationally. But we did talk on the drive home. I don’t think she kept their appearance secret to fool me as much as she was trying to be PC and supportive of a trans couple. The thing with trans is I had a good friend who also switched  genders and I was the first person this lady came out to. So this was clearly a situation where intellectual acceptance and gut reaction just didn’t align.

(on finding a magic wand and making a first wish) Godlike powers?---is there a god? Thought it was a myth.

my response: Well it is now, but once I had them, obviously that gap would be filled. LOL

(on what is the most needed item for the homeless ) Socks is correct, good boy!

my response: I heard it on a commercial. I still think a home is a better solution.

(on my affinity for the Renaissance Era) What are some of the reasons you wouldn't want to live during that period?

my response: LOL, how about: plague…...far worse than Covid19, religious persecution, abysmal living conditions, medical conditions even worse than that, short life expectancies, near-constant struggle, and so much more. The good news was that things were improving. (hence being the “Renaissance” revival). It was the reawakening of learning…….but they were just at the earliest stages. Had I lived then, I’d be dead by now.



( on fantasies yet to happen) Love your fantasy machine, I have to get one myself.

my response: I can help you on that front. I learned a lot making mine. It definitely works. I had to self-experiment to make it safe. Rosa seems cool with the idea but we just haven’t taken it any further yet. I do think it will happen eventually though. 

--------------------------------------------

And that concludes the issues that Nickki wished to flesh out further. I again thank her for her time and her insights. I think that this interview coincidentally coinciding with my recent Q&A, has probably provided a pretty clear picture of who I am. 

(Coming soon......something Tomy will appreciate....with a bit of a twist. Hopefully others will like it too, since it's not exactly what you've seen in the past. The twist may be of more interest to readers here than the general aspect of the topic. )


Sunday, January 24, 2021

Tables turned (conclusion)

Picking up from where we left off here is Nickki's next question:

Nickki: If you could get a spanking every three days for a year, do you think you would become immune to the satisfaction it brings?

KDP: Thirty years ago? No. Now? Probably. Hell, I probably would feel the same about fishing if it became that predictable and routine. In fact the only thing I would probably never tire of getting every three days for a year would be a sizable check. LOL

I recently found this grainy shot online and had to look twice thinking someone had managed to secretly photograph Nickki spanking my butt. The similarity to her custom lucite paddle is freaky!

Nickki: What has been the most humiliating thing to happen to you in a dd relationship? 

KDP: Another ‘ouch’. But here goes. I was briefly involved in a play relationship with someone who was fun to play with but who was not a romantic interest. You could say there were several aspects to our interactions and some were definitely dd, though not exclusively so. We were kind of just friends who engaged in some intense stuff together. One day she took me to a BDSM play party at a popular dungeon hosted by a trans couple where each had once been men and were now women. Intellectually I had no problem accepting these people as women even though they were both quite masculine in appearance. Both were as tall as me and even more ‘hard’ facially than me.  

Because I was the newbie guest, my Top suggested beforehand that it would be fitting for me to provide some foot worship to the couple at the end of the party as a kind of submissive “thank you for having me in your home” and would I be OK with that? Again, intellectually it seemed appropriate and fair, and not at all unreasonable. I like feet and these were now technically women, so having never met these ladies, I agreed in advance. But when the time came and my Top offered me up to them I started and every cell in my body screamed “guy feet!!!!!!”. Their feet looked male, smelled male, and essentially WERE male….despite what surgery and hormones had done to the rest of them. I was noticeably repulsed by something I thought I could easily handle, never expecting this turn of events and how my body was reading the situation and causing me to react. I felt bad because I knew I was getting visibly freaked out in front of a group watching us and my mind was telling me I shouldn’t while my body was still screaming. “Guy-Guy-GUY”. 

I could read in the face of one lady that she quickly sensed my discomfort and mercifully cut things short with her, but her partner was not as kind and insisted on the full treatment. It was horrible and this second, meaner lady then called upon someone else to take my place as a sort of “this is how you SHOULD do it” reprimand. It was horribly embarrassing and ruined the entire evening. I told my friend I would never go back and I never did.

Nickki: If you had a magic wand what would be your first wish? 

KDP: Easy! Permanent, godlike powers. And I'm totally serious.



Nickki: What is the most needed item that homeless men and women need and why? 

KDP: I have heard that it is socks but I can’t say I know this for a fact. I would think that the most needed thing for a homeless person would be a home.

Nickki: If you could be one of these who and why? Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg?

KDP: Without question, Musk. The areas in which he made his money are so much more important than having initiated a social media site that has caused more harm than good.

Nickki: What is the attraction to the Renaissance Era for you? 

KDP: Initially it would have to have been the weaponry. However, over time, and after learning more about it, many aspects became fascinating. The music appealed to me immediately and almost viscerally. One thing I have always freely admitted however, is that despite my interest in the period, and despite hosting an annual RenFaire, I would never wish to actually live in that time.

Nickki: What are your aspirations for your blog? 

KDP: My aspirations for my blog have never changed. They are and always have been to foster an environment where kinky people can discuss things with cleverness and depth. I used to cite the old Algonquin Round Table as my ideal. Picture Dorothy Parker with a paddle. LOL

Nickki: Do you hope to become popular on the BDSM webs? 

KDP: Well I suppose one can always hope, and popularity wouldn’t suck…….especially if it resulted in some financial recognition of my writing or cartooning. But I harbor no realistic expectation that such a thing will ever happen. I would be more than content if the original aspiration was ever consistently achieved. And at times I feel we are close. Other times I feel like throwing in the towel. 

Nickki: At what age did you begin drawing your sexually expressive characters?  Do you feel sexually aroused from drawing the women with big boobs etc.?

KDP: Now this recollection is fairly precise. I distinctly remember drawing my first kinky picture when I was in eighth grade. I had this book of regular cartoons and in it was a cartoon of a young lady in panties and bra, slightly bent and holding up a dress on a hanger. I still remember the rhyming punchline. “Of all the mean feelings, there’s no feeling meaner than staining a dress that’s fresh from the cleaner.” I found the pose to be open to……...deviation, and used the cartoon as a kind of model to copy and alter. Soon that innocent young lady was  being whipped and paddled, over and over in a series of drawings. At that time I definitely got off on drawing sexually kinky pictures and even using them as masturbation fodder. Getting off on my own drawings continued on and off throughout my life. However, being kinky, things like how red or welted their bottoms were drawn made more of a difference to me than breast size.(I distinctly recall ruining some decent drawings early on because of being turned on by adding more and more damage to the butts making the end result absurd. But this was because at that early age I was not experiencing BDSM except with myself in secret.) 

Now?  a lot depends on the drawing. And usually I am more interested now in a good illustration or funny punchline than any sexual gratification, since I feel fairly satisfied with my real life experiences and don't need to rely on writing or drawing as a substitute.

Nickki: Is there a difference of satisfaction being over a lap or the table strapped under you?  What is your favorite position?  Why?

KDP: Oh yes! VERY different. But I would not say it’s an issue of “satisfaction” but deeper things. As I’ve admitted before, whether it’s you, Rosa or anyone, going across a lap is simply more prone to feelings of connection. It’s evocative of maternal spankings and even if there’s a pillow between me and the person spanking as there often is to bring my bottom into a better position, I still feel that connection. Humbled, contrite, and yet quite convinced of being loved. Being over a lap would have to be my favorite position.

While I never escape this position without spending the rest of the next day or two wincing when I sit, I can't think of too many other places, I'd rather be, besides my Rosa's of course.

The bed-top rack is different. My appreciation of it is very specific: if I know a particular punishment is going to be difficult to take without involuntary wriggling, I like the reassurance of being strapped in so I can just take whatever is being given and just accept the pain without having to worry about “how I’m going to take it”. The rack gives me no choice BUT to take it. There’s a post on this blog that deals with this. ( January 27, 2020, Hot wings and butts )  And when I knew your intent the day you came over was to make my punishment significant, I suggested the rack to you as well ( June 10, 2020 Overdue but not underdone. Also the current "Featured Post" for quick access). The rack does a very good job of not just keeping me from running away but admirably immobilizing me from being able to make the slightest wriggle. It’s hard to explain how such a thing can be relaxing, especially because the punishments I’ve received while in that rack always ranked among the worst, but it is a fact nonetheless.

This was a harsh punishment but one we both agreed was more than deserved. I have zero resentment for how hard you spanked me that day and actually had a surge of admiration for you, but I was also extremely grateful to the practicality of having been secured in place.

Nickki: Does giving up your ‘man butt’ ever feel like you're giving up your manhood? Why or why not?

KDP: For me the notions of “manliness” are not as significant as those of personal pride. Gender stereotypes have never worked for me and it wasn’t long before I learned to discard them as something more important to others than to me. So while for me the issue is real enough, it is not solely rooted in masculinity…...though that aspect is not entirely absent….but more in seeing myself as a responsible and competent adult, who then permits others to have authority over him.


It’s hard to describe the internal struggle and self-questioning that goes along with submitting to another adult for actual real life behaviors or misbehaviors. While it can feel appropriate, it still challenges the notion of what society defines as being a male or just an adult, being an equal, and having the ability to refuse to accept punitive consequences not imposed by a court, but by a fellow friend. Society respects the individual who makes a mistake, and accepts the consequences. (Get caught speeding, pay the fine, accept the points and hopefully learn to not speed again.) But, other than people who live and understand this lifestyle, what is the public's view of someone like me who doesn’t just enjoy a playful swat as part of a game, but who genuinely accepts the authority of a fellow adult to decide to punish them for misbehaviors that other adults are often just as guilty of? I would be seen as possibly immature, maybe even weak ……….or worse. 

And yet? I have people in my life who don’t see it that way. People who love me and who I trust have repeatedly reassured me that I am at my best when held accountable for my actions in the real world. While a big part of my ability to submit to the authority of select others is based in my honest desire for such accountability, another huge part is the attitudes and beliefs of those very people like you who are entrusted with authority over me. You seeing your own roles as natural, logical, and just “making sense” in a very sincere and straightforward way, impacts me tremendously. It validates my innate inner desire for accountability and silences the doubts that might come from worrying about what the “vanilla others” of the world would think.

Even my own mother thought that this lifestyle was perfect for me and Rosa. She didn’t say I was (or we were) weird, or I was unmanly because of it.  Instead she said I should expel the occasional doubts I confessed I felt at times, and embrace my submissive role fully. Astounding advice coming from a mother to her own adult son….especially since she clearly understood that fully embracing my role as she advised meant getting hard, bare-bottomed spankings from Rosa. Certainly not something conducive to any air of macho, male pride. She understood these weren’t sexy play spankings and stated outright that for a policy like this to work the spankings would HAVE to be serious and painful. Imagine how it felt for me to hear my own mother basically say that if caught in a misbehavior, or accused of being inconsiderate or impatient or whatever, to not argue when confronted, not resist, and not even feel doubt over why I am accepting these seemingly unusual consequences…..but just take what’s coming to me as what is deserved.  Long answer, I know…...but THIS is a huge thing for me.



Nickki: If the dd is not a sexual fantasy fulfilled, what would  be a sexual fantasy for you?

KDP: Well first off, dd as a concept or lifestyle certainly can be a kind of ‘sexual fantasy’ even when the actual mechanics of a more behavior-oriented arrangement of accountability and punishment, can play out in the real world without a sexual component. We are complex beings. That said, something unquestionably sexual would have to be worship. (specifically for me foot and butt worship).  Luckily for me this ‘fantasy’ is something I don’t just need to hope for. I get to live it. 

As for a sexual fantasy not yet achieved? Well, despite the work being complete, and a certain degree of acceptance from Rosa, my fantasy of being subjected to being mechanically ‘pegged’ with the converted jigsaw tool and dildo attachment via Rosa using a remote to turn it on and off has not yet happened.

A fantasy that may soon become a reality? 

Nickki: Have any of your dd experiences ever crossed the line into swapping experience or are you appalled by that?

KDP: I wouldn’t use “appalled” but sexual swapping has no appeal for either of us. That said, involving others in other more playful ways and not focusing on sexual swapping as much as cooperating or being together is certainly appealing. As you as someone who gets to ‘play’ with me well knows.

Nickki: The blog is your baby and your aspiration is for it to reach more people. How large of a dd population do you believe there is? Why? And why does it seem people, even like myself, see BDSM as bondage and S&M without any real understanding of how discipline can be a part of it? And lastly, what are your motivations to reach more people?

KDP: My friend Dan has a blog devoted even more exclusively to DD than mine, where I have done pieces on all sorts of kink. In having participated there and other places, over the years I have come to believe that those whose emphasis is actual punishment for misbehavior is a small subset indeed. Even smaller when you further specify that the  DD dynamic is female-dominated. It seems there are way more male-dominated DD relationships. But even taken as a whole, we are a minority within a minority. 

Why? I think it’s the “reality” of it. I think a lot of kinky people have an easier time accepting any sort activity….even very painful ones, to be more acceptable when they are done for either mutual play, or mutual sexual gratification. Once those people are satisfied that whatever is going to happen is “safe, sane, and consensual”, there’s pretty wide acceptance. But a lot of BDSM people see DD as “too much”. Some bristle at the notion that a spanking is not a fun sensual activity between two play partners who can use safe words, agree on limits, and pretty much enact a dance of dominance and submission within a limited and confined period, but a real punishment for one adult from another. And in the case of DD, NOT limited to a fleeting mood, but a 24/7 lifestyle. To them it reeks of bullying or abuse…..which is weird to me because some of these same people have less of a problem with a Master/slave arrangement than they do with a “Domestic discipline” one.

I don’t think there is a way to reach more people for me that I am willing to engage in. One popular recommendation that has been floated many times in the incorporation of using something like Twitter as either an enhancement to a blog, or even a replacement for blogs in general. I have NO desire to have a Twitter account. When I see the stats for my blog, I see numbers of visits that seem very sizable. The issue for me is translating those silent visitors into interactive participants in discussion. And for me that is a bigger challenge than just increasing viewership. In fact, if my viewership somehow managed to double or triple, while participation remained the same, I would feel like I achieved nothing.

-----------------------------------------------

And that concludes the interview between Nickki and me. Naturally any questions about my answers are welcome as comments. I would like to thank Nickki for taking the time to write up these fine questions and for discussing some of them over the phone when needed. 


Tables turned (Part 1 of 2)

 

A while back I had the pleasure of interviewing my dear friend with spanking privileges, Nickki, for a very candid two-part post. (October 8th & 9th of 2020) Readers may recall that the interview also came at a particular cost to yours truly, due to Nickki's annoyance at how extensive my questions were. But while she complained about the complexity, her answers were fresh, honest, and enlightening. So when I ended up with my butt being roasted, while referring to Nickki as "Doctor", I have to say it was well worth it!

A few weeks ago Nickki and I discussed the possibility of her getting further 'revenge' by turning the tables on me and interviewing me. She liked the idea and eventually sent me a very varied and interesting array of questions. What follows is that interview:

My lovely and extra-special interrogator!

Nickki: If you could be born a woman what would be your name, demographics and what career would you have? 

KDP: Well being a woman in this speculation seems the least concerning. I could handle that especially if I was born a woman. It’s a coin toss after all. So would be my ethnicity or demographic. I don’t think I would have a preference except if that choice put me at some severe disadvantage….in which case, why would I want that? And I’ve always liked the name “Hannah”. As for a career? If I get to choose anything why not President or maybe successful movie critic or writer?   

Of course in a purely fun alternative universe, and in light of this being a kinky blog, maybe I should choose to be a  “brunette with hazel eyes and luscious boobs” who is also a Lesbian working in the same office as you, so you could bring me home and have Jean and you use me as your naked submissive servant…..one day bossing me around as I serve you drinks in an apron, the next time doing fix-it jobs (since I’d still be handy) in nothing but a tool belt. And everything with hard frequent spankings used as both reward and punishment? And if having a cute Lesbian around was an issue with either of you, you could always have me locked in a chastity belt with whomever is the most jealous of you two holding the key. LOL ( That was just too good an opportunity to let pass, dear. )

An alternate universe Jean locking up an alternate universe me, so there's no hanky-panky while I'm doing my chores. LOL

Nickki: My perfect day would be……

KDP: .........devoid of back pain, worry, and full of love, financial security, health, and companionship. If all of those happened, the details of what I’d be doing would be inconsequential.

Nickki: Were you ever rejected due to your dd desires in a relationship? what happened? 

KDP: This one is a little complicated. My first serious dd relationship involved me marrying the first girlfriend to spank me after I confessed my interest to her. We were both content with the lifestyle for many years, and she seemed quite content in her role and took full advantage of it. But then one day she just didn’t want to do it anymore, putting further strain on a relationship that by that time was already beginning to falter for several other reasons. I felt betrayed and eventually we divorced, not primarily because of this change but it definitely played a part. Conversely, I’ve never entered a relationship without making sure the other party was open to kink and it was a strategy that worked very well to ensure there were never any issues because of it. (I’m also pretty good at sensing and attracting people who are also kinky, so much so that I simply can’t recall anyone who when told wasn’t willing to give it a try.)

Nickki: I see you as a jack of all trades. Have you always been inquisitive as a child. List your hobbies and interests. 

KDP: Yes. Over the years and up until now I have engaged in painting, stained glass, cartooning, writing, hunting, camping, fishing, tennis, freestyle frisbee, squash, shooting, archery, fencing, model-making, customizing action figures, making dioramas, keeping pet snakes, playing pool, cards, gardening, construction and woodwork, rock and mineral collecting shell collecting, action figure collecting, antique collecting, comic book collecting, gun collecting, mixology, cooking, baking, cake decorating.  My interests include art, music theater, politics, literature, science, history, philosophy, sexual deviations, sociology, and just about anything else that catches my attention.

Nickki: If you could be a bad boy what would you do?  eg speed, leather jacket, sex. 

KDP: I used to harbor a fantasy of having made certain different choices early on where I moved to NYC and lived a wild lifestyle in the BDSM community. But now that I have seen the results of the more responsible choices I actually made, while I can’t say I have no regrets at all, I think I’m glad I decided to not be a “bad boy”. Besides, I ironically find that more moderate-leaning people already see me as a bad boy of sorts…..especially in terms of kink. 

Nickki: What brings you the most peace, gardening, building, fishing, hiking, and why?

KDP: Fishing! Nothing relaxes me as much as fishing, and this has been true since I was a kid. I’m not sure why it calms me but it does, whereas other activities may be more stimulating or exciting, fishing brings peace. Maybe it’s the water. I gravitate to water and always have.

Me relaxing. (Ana took this shot a while back)

Nickki: Have you ever dreamed one of your closest friends would be a black lesbian? 

KDP: I can’t say I dreamed it, but if you understood how I think and approach life and friendship, it is not a big surprise either. I had quite a few Lesbian friends in my “past life” and always felt a strong connection to them. In fact at least half of my female friends were Lesbians. I loved how their being Lesbian provided the opportunity to interact with females (whom I LOVE) without the complication of sexual messiness or even annoying, “girly” behavior. I have simply always gravitated towards Lesbian women. 

As for the “black” part? Again color is not a negative issue for me, but I do think it is more of AN issue for me within our special arrangement than it is for you, and we explored that a bit in your interview.  Maybe being a white male having grown up through very racially tense times in the 60’s and then gravitating very much to the obvious injustice Black people have been subjected to for decade upon decade, has made your color more powerful to me than just something neutral? I have always tried to treat ALL people with respect, and my family came here as immigrants well after slavery and Poles historically never owned slaves, at least in my family, so I can’t say I am plagued with any sort of overwhelming “White Guilt”, but…...to be brutally honest, I do feel your ethnicity contributes towards some “added edge” to your authority. It makes no sense logically. I feel your personality, caring, and overall confident dominance are all WAY more important to how I feel submitting to you. But for some damned reason, especially when you scold during a punishment, the ethnic “style” of how you scold and what you say adds a layer that is not present with Rosa or Joann, or any other white Tops from my past.  The unmistakably Black flavor I hear in your reprimands, reminders to behave, boasts of how sore I am going to be,  all makes me feel like I am now inescapably in your world and beholden to your unique experience as a woman of color. 


And while I have always found myself striving to be obedient and compliant when punished, with YOU I actually feel like I am frantically SCRAMBLING to obey. No one else has made me feel that way. When you have had to remind of a speak with permission rule, or when you wanted to be addressed as “Doctor” or early on when you would become impatient with my sliding out of position, the unique style to your commands and scolds prompts a desperation to obey. Afterwards I am always a bit humbled and even a little embarrassed at how you can reduce me to this scrambling-to-obey-you state. I do believe you’ve seen this and heard it in my voice. It’s not fake. So yeah, weird as it may be, it’s a factor.

Nickki: If you won the lottery of 5 million dollars and the government took half what would you do with the rest? Detail.  

KDP: Well $2.5 million is certainly not $250 million. LOL. I would not turn it down and it would certainly help, but I think an amount like that would have to be carefully managed. My first act would naturally be to financially fix stuff for myself and my immediate family. But I do think there would be enough to help out some friends too. But beyond that I think 2.5 million would ‘go’ quickly. Now if you amended this to what I would do with an enormous amount of money like the $250 million I mentioned, THAT would lead to some potentially interesting ideas.

Nickki: If you were a movie star born 1920-1950 who would you be and why? 

KDP: I hope you’ll accept someone 5 years earlier and let me go with 1915, the year Orson Welles was born?  Watch some interviews with him and I think my feeling of kinship towards him becomes obvious. He once did an interview on the character of Falstaff in Henry IV and Henry’s “I know thee not, old man” rebuke…..and it was brilliant! He was more of a thinker first and actor/director second…..and what a thinker! 

Orson Welles

Nickki: When you first met me did you think we would be at the point we are at?  

KDP: No, not when I first met you. There were simply no clues to imagine such a thing. But…….over time enough was mutually revealed to make me think it possible. And then, after approaching you for the first time on the “Year End” punishment tradition and seeing how you handled that,  I have to admit that I sensed something in you that makes where we are now seem like a logical conclusion. 

Models representing where "we are at". LOL

I would also like to add that the fact that we ARE where we are means more to me than whether it was predictable or a total surprise. I am awestruck that I can discuss a home project with you in one minute, share a hardship the next, then laugh over something funny the next, and then end up making some slip up on something and have you summon me to your home for a serious spanking. It’s an astounding relationship.

Nickki: What was your first impression of me? ( honestly)

KDP: I believe we met in a parking lot with me picking up a very young Ana from you having had her for a vacation trip. You seemed fun, extremely protective, loving……..and just a tad loud. LOL (you insisted on honesty)

Nickki: Moe, Larry or Curly, which one are you?  Choose. 


KDP: Curly definitely. Moe was very unfair in how he handled the money the Stooges earned and it was that unfairness that led to a lawsuit that resulted in Curly Joe DeRita’s family getting the lion’s share of the “Stooges” fortune. Larry Fine seemed a bit oblivious and it cost him. Curly seemed to be a genuine and decent guy, way smarter in real life than his on-screen persona, who just died too young. I’d like to think I’d be more like Curly than the real life bastard Moe was.

Nickki: Would you be happy if your children lived a dd lifestyle?

KDP: I’d be happy with whatever lifestyle they freely chose and enjoyed. That said, IF that became a revealed commonality? Sharing advice and input related to that lifestyle and its nuances wouldn’t suck. I have discussed my lifestyle with all of my kids, biological and steps…..and it’s possible my son would incorporate aspects of this into his life but not to the degree Rosa and I do. And Ana? Well, she is a natural, but has always insisted that she also is not interested in going beyond a certain amount of bossiness and pampering-on-demand as fun in her own life, but probably not venturing as fully into things as we do. None of the others would live this as a lifestyle, though they do understand it, having seen it growing up.

Nickki: You made the decision to retire early. Would you make that same decision if you could do it all over? Why or why not?  

KDP: If the circumstances were the same as they were when I made the decision I would make the same choice. But due to something that was only revealed too late that I thought was settled and was told was settled, knowing now that it wasn’t, I would have ensured it was taken care of before signing off on the retirement.

Nickki: If you could change physically one thing about you what would it be?

KDP: Wow, this is tough for a lot of reasons, but I promised to answer everything asked and do so candidly so…… I have two things I would change and one is far less trivial and way more embarrassing than the other. I don’t often discuss it because it is embarrassing but I have suffered from ED ever since a childhood operation in 7th grade permanently affected me. Meaning I had ED issues right from the start of my early dating. I often wonder how different my life would have been had I never suffered from this physical limitation. While I managed to have kids, and can’t say I could never have intercourse, it was NEVER without anxiety, stress, frequent disappointment, sometimes chemical assistance….but with terrible side-effects, and ultimately feelings of inferiority. 

That said I have also never liked how hairy I am on my body, especially my butt, and how I also am so predisposed to ingrown hairs that every depilation technique I ever used has never allowed me to be as smooth as I wished I was. If I had to choose only one thing to change I suppose it would be to correct my ED, but given how my life has turned out WITH it, at this point, I wonder if I would just choose to be less hairy (with maybe a fuller butt) and let the  ED be damned.

Smooth, full, and spankable. 
(THE END......of Part One)



Friday, January 22, 2021

A kinky reward

 No this is not going to be a post about some kinky reward Rosa has given me.....though she has had me do some fun stuff recently along with other things I will soon be posting about. No this reward is for all of you who have been commenting and participating so intelligently and candidly. But.....I also know my audience is varied. (I could post just some foot worship shot and few would appreciate it besides me, LOL). So here's a short trip around the kinky world with my hope being that at least something appeals to you!

Here's one to start things off that should check several boxes out there!

And this should check a few more. LOL

Here's one for the growing list of sub ladies who have been visiting. Welcome, ladies.

Something for the dominant ladies ......and sub guys.

A classic RedRump for my F/m DDers .

Amateur flashers are usually popular around here.


One for the humor fans....with a nod to the few foot fetishers out there.

And I'm fairly sure something like this might have some ample across-the-spectrum appeal.

And I'll conclude with one of my own that hopefully prompts a grin.

Thank you all for being such interesting people with an interest in participating here! You all know the kind of interaction seen here lately has been my goal for Collected Submissions since the beginning.