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Saturday, January 9, 2021

not the same me

 


I suppose it's time for an update of sorts. Prior to Christmas I was already feeling more and more ambivalent about blogging. I had put a considerable amount of effort into several different projects ranging from what I felt was a deeply personal and revelatory exploration of my lifelong experience with chastity, to what I had hoped would be a fun exchange of all sorts of recipes both boozy and otherwise, to a very labor-intensive attempt at a satire regarding religion. All attracted a modicum of attention, but none prompted the sorts of interactions I have seen even the most non-topic/topics get elsewhere. It seems like I have nothing to say that means much to anyone.  People say to avoid politics and yet a brief rant prompted more reaction than the projects I listed. I am simply at a loss for what anyone wants.

And then, just as I tried to rally behind the holidays and our usual extensive efforts to eat and entertain well, Covid infiltrated our home despite our best efforts to keep it out. My symptoms hit on Christmas Day, Rosa followed. I found out my son had it. My best friend had it. My stepson got it. Thankfully just about everyone got it pretty mildly. I did not.

I got every classic symptom and managed to keep in a limbo of survival.......until I lost 10 pounds, and any confidence that I was going to live. My oxygen went down and because I was convinced this was going to be it for me, I made sure to take care of all the new bills before asking that Rosa take me to the hospital. Once there things improved. Oxygen, remdesivir, steroids, antibiotics, plus a lot more was pumped into me and and in just three days I had regained my ability to function. I was released. I am still tired. 

But this was like the last nail in a sort of personal coffin of dissatisfaction. And during it all the political world burst into flames as well. I cried. My feelings for people are not good right now. I could watch a sniper take out the people I've heard interviewed and cheer as each head exploded in a spray of bone, brain, and blood. I would not want it to end until every last one was laying on the ground to be bulldozed away into some mass grave for insurrectionists.

As a result I doubt I will be updating much.

I have things I want to do that may matter more than anything I do here. 

I have no interest in discussions right now. I just don't care. People have worn me down as much as Covid has. I am weary, disgusted, frustrated, and frankly.....angry. I tried. Tried hard. It's absurd to get so little in return and keep doing it.

I need a change.


31 comments:

  1. When I tried writing to suit people's wants it was a huge flop. the one lesson I got out of it was to write only what suited me. That way if no one reads it doesn't matter, because I wrote for myself. If writing as a form of personal journal doesn't work for you, then perhaps it would be best to let yourself discover YOU and take care of YOU for a little bit. Its good to hear that you're getting better (physically at least) and I hope that you remember to always be kind to yourself while you continue to recover. Get well.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The issue of who is the target of writing is complex. Of course anything I create comes from a personal interest and source, but the hope is just like with a meal: one needs to eat. One must cook for oneself. But the joy in life is a meal shared.

      This blog was never meant to be a bragging blog. It was meant to be a place of sharing. What levels people choose to interact going forward will determine a lot.

      Thank you for your reply.

      Delete
  2. Me too ! I just spent the better part of a week writing (what originally was supposed to be a collaborative effort) about BDSM - yesterday's post took over an hour to write... and I have had next to no comments. While I was labouring over the wording and trying to make myself clear - I thought 'WHY? this isn't fun! I have more fun - and truthfully more responses - when I write about my frustrations of home schooling' So I'm going back to MY writing - for me and only me.

    I was shocked to read how covid hit your family!! Please please take care of yourself - be gentle with yourself.

    If you don't update often I - like many - will understand... come back when you can and feel like it.. I will be waiting :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. People seem to complain over lack of quality interaction, but the growing evidence is that no one really wants it. It's too much work.

      I'm not jumping off of life.....but I am reevaluating things.

      Delete
  3. I'm shocked. I had no clue you were ill at all, let alone how bad it was for you and your family.

    I know that when I am sick I can't avoid it that my mood, thoughts, and hopes darken well beyond what would ever be normal for me in health. Just saying.

    But to respond to your frustration with less quality feedback on your blog; man I get it. The tracker on my blog shows quite a few readers and my feedbacks (comments)are near nil (except for you and Dan who kindly acknowledge most of my posts.

    I'm not going to offer advice though. Just know that I really appreciate you and that last religion post was a masterpiece that would have gone unseen without the blog.

    Healing from a hammer blow like Covid takes about 27,000 times longer than most of us can tolerate and stay sane. I'm making it and you'll make it too.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Are you recovering from covid too?

      Your comment on my religion satire meant the world to me. Truly. I felt like "Wow, someone gets its......and likes it".

      As for going forward? I just have to rethink things.

      I thought I was going to die. I was scared. I did not want to die. And then when you factor in everything else.....it just became too much.

      It's hard to go through this and see kink, and cuteness, and blog-blog-bullshit the same. It changes you. Facing mortality for real is an eye-opener.

      Delete
    2. Me? Not Covid. No Just very slowly coming back to life after the best part of my life went away. I am normally a very resilient person. But losing her nearly killed me.

      I'm having some fun now, doing creative stuff, participating in the community.

      My 27,000 times longer than people expect is the advice I have always given to friends when they experience anything lung related. Lungs take way long to recover and the major mistake people make is when they feel that initial burst of well being in the healing cycle, they think all is well, get physically very active and then crash again. I counsel people to force themselves to keep resting, even if it's miserable. The crash back from premature exuberant activity sucks.

      Delete
    3. Good for you. To say I value your friendship would be an understatement.

      With this I am resisting my usual inclination to push myself too hard. But there have been too many warnings and this was too scary to play games. I am being reasonable.

      Delete
  4. Please take care of yourself and get well KD. I believe the world will look different, and better, by July 2021. Hang in there.

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    1. Thank you. I know even what I'm feeling now will not be permanent......but for now it is all too real.

      Delete
  5. Man, I'm sorry to hear about the Covid experience and that it was so serious in your case. That had to be incredibly scary for you and your family. I hope your recovery is quick and full.

    Ultimately, life is short and we all have to decide whether each activity or hobby we take up is worth the investment, which requires us to think about our motivations for each of those activities in which we invest our time. My views are pretty similar to Fondles and Morningstar's -- I blog because part of me wants to, and it becomes very tedious very quickly if I try to write only what I think will get comments. Honestly, I think I would write the blog even if I turned comments off entirely, because for me there is an expressive element to it that I kind of need. I'm not nearly as skilled or creative as you on things like woodworking, mmodeling, cooking, etc. I've just never had a lot of hobbies, at least not ones that involve much creativity or skill. But, I've always read a lot and written a lot. For me, the blog is an outlet that allows me to express myself and my interests first, and a tool for engaging with others second. Though, I do think its narrowness has gotten more and more tiresome, and I thought a lot about that over the holidays though I don't know yet exactly what I'm going to change.

    Hang in there. I'll miss it if you don't keep blogging, though I totally understand if you don't.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. This too shall pass, but as I mentioned to Tomy, facing mortality was sobering. I really didn't think I was going to make it and did not want to die. I have too much to live for.

      Blogging will always be a 'back pocket' thing. I like the occasional post when the mood strikes me, but I just need to weigh effort-to-reward ratios........and not just with blogging.

      I believe I have some personal work to do on who I want to be in the next ten years. I am not without interests. I am more frustrated and angry than depressed. I will come out of this......but I wonder if I will ever be the same?

      Delete
    2. Maybe it's a good thing if you're not. I had a less dramatic and personal but still unsettling incident myself near the end of the year when I lost a friend and mentor very unexpectedly. While it's not the firs time I've lost someone unexpectedly and hardly the first time I've said we need to learn lessons about the shortness of life from those things, this time for some reason it has really stuck with me and left me really unsettled. And, I think that's a good thing. I don't really want to return to the old unengaged rut.

      Delete
    3. Change isn't necessarily bad.

      Delete
  6. I was whining about my Christmas in solitary confinement but it sounds like you have really been through the mill lately.

    It's your blog and blogs are always best received when the person putting it together enjoys making their posts. Just never compare yourself to female kink bloggers, they always get a greater level of feedback.

    Hope that the recovery goes well, both for yourself and those around you.

    Prefectdt

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    1. Thanks prefectdt. It's been rough and more than a little terrifying.

      Delete
  7. I am so sorry you and your family were sick and you needed to be hospitalized, but very happy to hear you are getting better. As to replying in by current situation with a 3 month old business I lucky to allow myself an hour for leisure reading. Will try to write a e mail soon. Just get well my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sorry you got sick; very happy you have survived!

    I am a long time lurker. Have enjoyed your output for many years. Still have a pack on your BDSM cartoon cards that I got ages ago. I very much appreciate your creativity and openness with sharing your life journey.

    Rest, heal and see where life takes you. You seem to have many time consuming interests of which this blog is one. A near death experience can sometimes leader to a focus of how short our time here is and a questioning of how best to use this valuable resource. Allocating your time among your interests must be a continuing effort at the best of times. An increased focus on the value of your remaining time might make it harder yet. Find a good balance and enjoy the ride.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank you. You must have been one of the rare folks who got those cards from A&G a while back in the 90s?

      I will find my level. It's just a matter of perspectives going forward. Thanks again.

      Delete
  9. Sorry to hear about your difficult time KD , but the fact you got through it shows what a tough ombre you are.
    As far as blogging goes I would have to agree with you that it is hardly worth the effort and as an exchange of views tool , blogger is a thing of the past.
    Personally I find your blog mosts interesting , although I won't always comment .

    ReplyDelete
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    1. LOL thanks but I sure didnt feel so tough the day I had Rosa bring me to the er. But I appreciate the compliment.

      Thanks about the blog. I just need to keep it in perspective I think. I appreciate your characterization of what I have been trying to do here.

      Delete
  10. Wow. I have...no words. I am glad to read that you are recovering.
    Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Please know you were missed by me. I kept looking for an update, and not seeing one. COVID worries me. It takes out people with very little warning. I'm glad you're home.

    I'm all for people finding their place, peace of mind, etc; and while all that is my wish for people, my own selfishness leaves me sad and angry, and feeling more alone than before. I can't keep up, and I rage internally that I just want to drop out.

    Facebook sees me less and less as I'm dealing with my own personal things, and sleep often evades me. I feel you. I understand.

    Thank you. ♥

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks, dear. You sound like you need some tlc yourself. Indulge yourself in some healing too!

      Delete
  12. I'm so sorry to hear that you have been struck down by covid. Take good care of yourself for now. If you feel like blogging again, we will still be here.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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    1. Thank you. I am admittedly much better. Blogging is just going to be an occasional hobby going forward. I don't see eliminating it as an occasional indulgence but I doubt it will take up the time it used to.

      Delete
  13. Blogger has managed to piss me off a number of times these last months. Commented on your posts and when it came time for me to publish the damned comments just went "poof"!
    Glad to read you're recovering. This covid thing is going to take a lot more out of us before its done.
    Stay strong old boy.

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    1. Interestingly the same has happened to me recently as well.

      I am recovering......physically and emotionally.....but this was a eye-opener.

      Thank you for your response and support.

      Delete
  14. So glad you're better!

    ReplyDelete