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Thursday, January 28, 2021

Nickki responds

Rather than just leave ‘a’ comment, Nickki told me that she would send me a point-by-point reaction to most of them. True to her word, she sent me replies the other day and I have short responses to some, answers to questions asked, and longer explanations where  something seemed to need one. Here it is: 

(on me being a woman) Hannah is a soft beautiful feminine name and it suits you.  Loved your wild imagination but Jean would never allow you home.  

my response: Well she does now, and that’s more important. LOL

(on being rejected over my DD inclination) You made a comment that you felt betrayed by your ex wife. Was the betrayal focused on her neglecting to participate any longer as your dd partner or can you accept that a person just doesn’t want to walk through life as the punisher? Is this going to be a problem when I say , “okay my shoulder is ripped and I can no longer do this”, will you resent my request?

my response: This is probably the only topic that cries out for a lot more explanation. Your example poses a hypothetical where your shoulder is ripped, a physical problem, thwarting an agreement between friends, which is very different than stopping something more emotionally key to a relationship because of no longer wanting to do something that was being done for a long time and something I just don't enjoy but kind of need to feel complete. Now, no one should have to do something they don't want to. But let's be honest. Sudden major decisions are completely acceptable for anyone, but never without consequence.

Suppose I just told Rosa that I now find kissing 'yucky'? No more kissing. Not because of some lip injury, no reason other than a sudden and personal change of feeling over the practice. Now on one hand, no one can force me to continue doing something I now find unappealing. But what would be the long-term consequences? What would be the long term consequences if Jean said she suddenly wasn't into something crucial to your relationship? It would be her call, her right, but it would not be without consequence. 

Now way more went into my divorce than this. In fact the decision to end the relationship was hers, not mine due to this decision. And if you asked me to state what the problem really was? It was as simple as her just not loving me anymore. And THAT issue then led to all the other problems ( constant negative criticism, name-calling, lack of intimacy, belittling on an almost abusive basis, meanness, and then the end to kink ). I think for someone who enjoyed kink for many years to suddenly not want to do it anymore says more about the health of the relationship than the kink itself.

As for you? We are friends. We took our time getting to where we are, and now we are here. It's been rewarding for us both. But, if it runs its course? Well, we were friends BEFORE our arrangement. I think we could manage being friends after. But, I won't lie and say it wouldn't make me sad. But I think you might feel similarly disappointed if one day I just said, "sorry Honey, but between time and my back, I just can't help you guys with home projects anymore." Although you'd fully understand my decision, I think you'd miss the help. Like I said, decisions are personal rights, but even the most logical decision has consequences.

(on my varied interests) You have done it all. What is left on your list to explore? What are you missing that you would like to explore?

Well not all...... but to your question, there’s not that much I am looking to add besides travel.

( on me being a 'bad boy' ) Not! I’ve seen you as a ‘mad boy,’ pissed off boy, but never a bad boy.

my response: You are too wild yourself to see me that way, but there are some very straight-edged people out there…….and they do at times. I don’t see it myself though. Hell, I’m the guy who seeks accountability and punishment, not the open road on a Harley.

I guess I don't want to be bad.......just bad enough to bring on some retribution. LOL

( on activities that bring peace ) Fishing is my love also. Jean showed me how to fish on my birthday and I stayed for hours . It brings me peace. For me it's not the water….I'm terrified.  I just love feeling the fish rob me of my worm and me thinking it's the big one.

my response: We should go together sometime.

(on Nickki being a Black Lesbian) I recall you saying you had quite a few gay friends in college I think more and more that you are my buddy so being friends  with me is no different than being friends with your old friend from college. You and I talk shop, women and sex. We  don’t talk sports because you don’t bring it up. 

my response: Actually I meant during my first marriage even more than college.  The list of Lesbians I was either close to, or just friendly with, could fill a women’s softball team…….and did. LOL. And if you are waiting for me to bring up sports, it’s going to be a long wait. LOL

(on my confession that Nickki’s ethnic-styled scolding affects me profoundly ) Are you saying white women are soft?.......... because they are!  Unless they grew up in a trailer park. Black women have to OWN it or we lose it. We have to take a stand.

my response: Not “soft” as much as somehow less intimidating. When you get going even Jean has noticed and commented…..if you recall the day when you called me back to the window.

( on winning the lottery ) I first thought you were crazy that 2.5 million was too little . But then I’ve always been in the business of helping others, so I guess it wouldn’t last that long.

my response: Agreed.

( on what vintage movie star I would most identify with ) Orson Welles, wow! I learned something new about you and had a lesson. For me, I would love to have been Shirley Black  AKA Shirley Temple.

my response: Didn’t see that one coming.

Shirley in leather. LOL

( on my first impression of Nickki ) Yes, the parking lot of Woodbridge Rec. From the beginning I was worried, would you be the right man for Rosa? I would look for all your faults, but I never looked at Rosa’s strength, conviction, and love for you. She has grown in this relationship. Today you are my favorite couple. I don’t worry about her. When pre-menopause started she showed the lion in her.

my response: All true and thanks. And yeah, I knew I was being evaluated by you AND Jean. But that  just made me realize you were good friends  looking out for Rosa. After all, on first meeting, we looked more like a bad stereotype than what we were and are. And my side of friends acted similarly.

(on which Stooge I would be ) When I was young this was one of my favorite shows. There was  a scene where they were boiling eggs on the stove and the big one ate the shell and it looked so good that I boiled an egg and bit the shell and all and it was horrible. I was about 9 years old and realized that moment that TV is fake. 

my response: Ah… lessons. (They don’t all require a lap and paddle. LOL)

(on what I would physically change about myself ) Wow! Remind me to never play Truth or Dare with you. I understand your issue with a hairy body. I once was about to be intimate with a girl, and just as I slipped my hand down her pants she told me she was not like other girls. I soon learned that hair everywhere was not the only issue she had.

my response: I can be a risky person to play that game with, but to be honest while I kept my ED mostly private and only alluded to it now and then, just saying it out loud felt liberating and less embarrassing than I feared. I think I may even do a full post on it in the future. Sometimes volatile and emotionally-loaded issues can only be put in perspective by airing them in bright light, rather than hiding them in a closet. (Your story is interesting. I hope the other issue was not some kind of “Crying Game” redux.)

(on a photo I found that looks like us but isn’t) That does look like my arm and leg! HA ha.ha

my response: It does.

(on my embarrassing episode of trans foot worship) Okay I know you have to obey, but in this instance I would  have asked her (the Top friend who brought me) to step outside and express  my displeasure at her not mentioning this important aspect of information. I would have to suffer the wrath later. Spank away, baby.

my response: Well, the situation was not conducive to that, but worse was I was in no frame of mind to think that rationally. But we did talk on the drive home. I don’t think she kept their appearance secret to fool me as much as she was trying to be PC and supportive of a trans couple. The thing with trans is I had a good friend who also switched  genders and I was the first person this lady came out to. So this was clearly a situation where intellectual acceptance and gut reaction just didn’t align.

(on finding a magic wand and making a first wish) Godlike powers?---is there a god? Thought it was a myth.

my response: Well it is now, but once I had them, obviously that gap would be filled. LOL

(on what is the most needed item for the homeless ) Socks is correct, good boy!

my response: I heard it on a commercial. I still think a home is a better solution.

(on my affinity for the Renaissance Era) What are some of the reasons you wouldn't want to live during that period?

my response: LOL, how about: plague…...far worse than Covid19, religious persecution, abysmal living conditions, medical conditions even worse than that, short life expectancies, near-constant struggle, and so much more. The good news was that things were improving. (hence being the “Renaissance” revival). It was the reawakening of learning…….but they were just at the earliest stages. Had I lived then, I’d be dead by now.

( on fantasies yet to happen) Love your fantasy machine, I have to get one myself.

my response: I can help you on that front. I learned a lot making mine. It definitely works. I had to self-experiment to make it safe. Rosa seems cool with the idea but we just haven’t taken it any further yet. I do think it will happen eventually though. 


And that concludes the issues that Nickki wished to flesh out further. I again thank her for her time and her insights. I think that this interview coincidentally coinciding with my recent Q&A, has probably provided a pretty clear picture of who I am. 

(Coming soon......something Tomy will appreciate....with a bit of a twist. Hopefully others will like it too, since it's not exactly what you've seen in the past. The twist may be of more interest to readers here than the general aspect of the topic. )


  1. I will try to be more directly on point today- I really have no valid excuse beyond perhaps I'm a rambler.

    This stood out to me " I just don't enjoy but kind of need to feel complete. " because that is how I feel.
    When we first started DD years ago after 18 years of being with each other ( vanilla) I was of the mindset that Ttwd merely enhanced our relationship, we could easily survive without it. I was wrong. Beyond just opening Pandora's kinky box, it opened up an entirely new me- sort of. What it really did was openly allow the part of me I always felt inside, out. Ttwd has become about acceptance, he of me.

    Now, as you stated if there was an injury or an illness that prevented this from happening that is completely different from turning away from it by choice. I can and have seen the negativity that comes from one walking away from a dynamic that has become vital for another. I do believe loss of intimacy comes in all forms for all different types of people. For *me* this dynamic is far more intimate than sex. So if B were now to stop participating I'm not sure how we would fair. I believe my resentment would take a long time to pass, if ever.


    1. Well you did a great job staying on point. LOL And it seems we see this similarly. Making any sort of major change in a relationship is going to have an impact. And sometimes that impact can be managed, and sometimes it will cause problems. That's just life and especially life with people in it.

      The irony in this is that the first person to bring up divorce was her and not me. So I think that is telling in how much the dismissal of kink had to do with it all.

  2. What an interesting conversation! Thank you for sharing.

    1. Thanks, Merry. Although I offered up the idea of an interview, I did so thinking Nickki might prefer fewer and more direct questions. I was quite surprised and pleased by Nickki going on her own into so much detail both with the interview and the follow-up.......especially in light of how MY going into too much detail in her interview resulted in a rather emphatic paddling! LOL

  3. For someone who was considering not blogging much anymore, you have thankfully and fully recovered from that moment. LOL Lots of detail and self disclosure on the past few posts have made for thoughtful reading. Thanks for taking the time to share.

    1. I see the irony in that too. However, I have also noticed a few mitigating factors: 1: I just flat-out feel better. Covid was horribly debilitating, 2: Mutual complaints over blog participation has resulted in a recent mini-peak of and elsewhere, 3: My post-Covid mindset has done more to lessen my worries over blogging than a need to stop blogging. (Kind of like feeling that I don't HAVE to blog if I don't want to, has made me feel like I want to.) and lastly 4: the interview was something I owe more credit to Nickki on than me. Answering questions is way easier than compiling a list to ask.

      And thank you about the recent posts. But by all means don't just read, my friend, dig in on something that resonates with you. Who knows? An innocent question on something mentioned could trigger an entire thread of responses. Be bold! LOL ;-)