This will be another two-part post since there simply is too much to load into one.
During the interview with Nickki, I revealed that I have suffered from some degree of ED ever since 7th grade. My frankness shocked some I’m sure, but perhaps out of politeness, or awkwardness, not too many addressed the issue itself. Even Nickki admitted a “wow” moment at hearing me out myself, but then went straight to another topic. ED does that to people. Even me. But despite my reluctance to reveal too much on this in the past, I must admit that I actually have alluded to it many times in other places. However, it occurred to me that now that the ‘cat is out of the bag’ (or perhaps ‘dead mouse’ is more accurate), I feel emboldened to own this and explore it with you all in a way that whisks away the cobwebs and opens the drapes to let the sunlight in…..even if that sunlight illuminates some misshapen monstrosities. Nothing will be sugar-coated, no feelings spared. ED is the epitome of the “elephant in the room” and specifically the bedroom. But I’ve had enough of hiding it and being embarrassed by it. My recent Covid experience truly changed the way I look at a lot of things. One was asking myself what I want to be in the next ten years. But to answer that question maybe I first needed to examine who I used to be, currently am, and why.
There are several aspects to explore, and I wish to deal with a few I think are important to understanding the shame and difficulties associated with ED, namely the common and frankly accepted denigration of it, my own strategy of how to live with it in a way that cuts through some of the ugliness, and finally, my own story from the start of the issue until now.
There is simply no other impairment whose routine mockery is as unapologetic as impotence. My impotence is as much my fault as being mentally or physically handicapped. And who knows? Maybe some quadriplegic got that way by reading the “Shallow Water-Don’t dive” sign and laughed it off as stupid? But me? I did nothing to deserve this problem, yet I seem to be fair game. Whereas in the distant past, alcoholism was a rampant source of humor, and later obesity was the one to pervade a lot of swathes, now it is quite UN-PC to ridicule the addicted or overweight. But I feel that even those who sympathize to a degree, still can't suppress a snicker at ED jokes.
So horrible is the problem of ED, that the discovery of “the little blue pill” was sensational…….yet opened the door to a whole new flood of “Viagra Jokes”. And yet? I don’t think I’ve ever heard an “insulin joke” or “antibiotic joke”.
I can’t think of any impairment that reflects as negatively on the sufferer as ED. People sympathize with the depressed, the handicapped, and even the addicted, but with ED, people sympathize more with the sufferer’s spouse. Such rampant denigration results in a lot of things besides embarrassment. There is anger, depression, and after being subjected to years of being the butt of jokes and target of derision, you begin to be conditioned in feeling inferior.
Then there’s erotica. Even the softest romantic novel for women describes the phallic ideal…..and it’s not me. Spanking stuff shows rigid penises. And the frequent common, almost universal dirty talk of wanting a “hard cock” coming out of the mouths of even the most modest of women all show its importance. Wives brag about their potent husbands, envy the more potent, and fantasize about the elusive extremes. No one lays awake at night dreaming of a limp noodle. Just look at candids of women of all ages at a bachelorette party with a male stripper. Long, hard cocks are magnets for attention. Basically: Potency=admiration and impotence=derision.
----My strategy…...which almost works
But if the public can be cruel about ED, imagine what can go on privately. What partner ever wants to be unable to satisfy the woman they love? What woman expects this to happen? Who would choose to be this way? My experience with this has been varied, mitigated by kinkiness, and by a certain alternate approach to sex, and these quirks have helped my unique situation more than they’ve hurt or complicated it.
Because I had this issue from an early age, and because I was kinky from an early age, I eventually realized that if I was ever going to be happy, I’d have to work to overcome the prejudice against both. I would simply need to find women who were not only open-minded to kink, or better yet, kinky themselves, but for whom intercourse was not a preferred activity. Fortunately for me this combination is not that uncommon. In fact, I have noticed that women with issues over male-dominated, penetration-oriented relationships, often gravitate to enjoying being in charge and being sexually pleasured without having to submit to unsatisfying intercourse. Conversely, from what I’ve seen, the more traditional and submissive females who seek more dominant men, also seem to like being penetrated. Penetration is a dominant and almost aggressive act, and the types of ladies who prefer it are often turned on by that.
The key here again for someone like me is knowing what is likely to work and bring satisfaction and then being selective in dating to find someone who would benefit from it, even if it means passing by some lovely ladies in the process. The alternative of just seeking out lovely ladies, keeping the unpleasant stuff a secret, and hoping it will all work out in the end is a strategy I consider doomed from the start.
Another quirk of mine whose origin seems to coincide with the peak of my ED issues is my interest in chastity and denial. I wonder if my inclination towards chastity play is rooted more in my overall kinkiness or in my ED? It would make sense my ED played a significant part, even though it was never a conscious association. Being locked up takes away the stress of having to perform genitally. A dominant female can have the thrill of controlling her guy, even making him crazy with desire, and still enjoy an orgasm, or string of orgasms, from his oral or alternate attentions and not expect him to leave his cage. Chastity also eroticizes “not having sex”. Making a lack of sex desirable and enjoyable in its own right. I’m not a psychologist but even I would presume a connection of some kind.
The thing is, I have managed to live with ED with some special women who don’t seem to mind it, but still found that even they have their moments when they just want intercourse for feelings of intimacy …….even if they rarely orgasm from it. And it is in those instances when all of my alternate efforts are as useless as I then feel I am.