It’s hard to believe that it has been four years since the last time I acted as someone’s ‘punishment proxy’. (See “A Proxy Once More” July 29, 2017 in the Featured Post column in the margin.)
I hadn’t planned it either. Instead it just happened. It began with an innocent text to Nickki over a moulding job that needed some TLC. She currently has a “houseguest” in the form of her former SIL’s mother, an elderly woman with occasional bi-polar flare-ups. Whenever I’ve met her she was the sweetest thing, but Nickki assured me that there is an entirely contrasting side to her. She is due to stay with Nickki and Jean for as many as 6 more weeks, maybe more, maybe less. But in that time she has already caused incredible stress to my friends, Nickki in particular.
The more she told me, the more obvious her stressed tone seeped into her texts. It took only a few lines before the proxy idea popped into my head. I had previously discussed proxy situations with Nickki (particularly my time as Ana’s proxy for the closet) so she had a pretty good idea of what I was suggesting. We discussed it a bit, and since it’s a simple offer, Nickki quickly agreed to the offer and said she would keep track of her guest’s offenses and then handle them through me at a later date when she leaves. So far she already has two. The positive aspect for her is that when something happens, she can write it down and turn the aggravation into something for future anticipation. Instead of feeling powerless, she can feel like retribution will take place, and all she needs to do is be patient and bide her time.
We also discussed my need/condition of not being “me doing a favor” or worse “me receiving a favor of play” but rather “me BEING her guest” and getting exactly what Nickki feels SHE deserves. Since we’ve discussed this before, Nickki understood and even saw the sense in that. Her one warning to me (which she repeated again later) was that now that the offer has been made and accepted, not to try to back out. That hit me with a dose of reality. Nickki is obviously not reticent about taking full advantage of my proxy offer, even as she appreciates it and has already thanked me for it. By expressing her adamant stance on “no backsees” as she put it, she is telling me that she is now relying on me to come through. I get that. And I assured her my offer was sincere.
Moments after the offer was discussed, and mutually agreed to, the ramifications of it seeped in. I am now honor bound to essentially stand in for someone who has already pissed off Nickki and has about 6 more weeks to add to that list. I am also dealing with Nickki who is not someone who sees a hard spanking as anything other than a deserved consequence. If sufficiently riled, she will see a bare offered bottom as the totally roastable but ultimately unbreakable target of her ire. I have had her spank moderately and extensively, and she is not hesitant to keep going until she is satisfied. If that bottom is mine, but I have clearly offered it in place of her guest’s, she will certainly and without question spank it as such. In a recent conversation with Nickki, I flatly admitted to sincere admiration for this ability of hers.
Now me? Why do I agree to be a proxy? I think I’ve mentioned it before. Like Tom Sawyer, I see taking someone else’s punishment as the epitome of gallant gestures. And I’m a sucker for gallant gestures. In the case of the proxy situations I have been in, that gesture is geared more towards the spanker, who is usually someone I care about, than the spared victim. And perhaps that’s why they can’t be fun roleplays for me. There is nothing gallant about playing a fun game. There is no sacrifice in getting an enjoyable experience.
Yesterday I actually spoke with Nickki on my long drive to babysit my grandson and we covered a lot of things….and this was one of them. Nickki had described several more incidents with her guest that were indeed upsetting, and I joked that if this keeps up I may need to take out an insurance policy before showing up for my eventual proxy session. She laughed and said, “well, you’re up to 400 smacks already,” with the clear insinuation that the total is only going to go up from there.
I also explained more about my reasons for offering to be a proxy and she seemed to appreciate the insight….and the offer itself. I would imagine that the natural assumption for someone like me to make an offer like this would be that I enjoy being spanked. And while that is true, it is a complex truth.
To be honest, I do enjoy being a proxy, but ironically, I can’t enjoy that role if the spanking itself is enjoyable. So, to be a good proxy experience and for the gesture to mean anything at all, the spanking simply must be unpleasant……….. and the worse the better. Thankfully, Rosa understands this and since it’s important to me, relaxes into the offer to treat me as the offending party and does so without guilt or hesitation. With Nickki, she seems to understand as well, and if her tone and past history with me are any indicators, I’m sure she too will do her best to forget it’s me when the time comes. So if the punishment concludes with Nickki exhilarated and refreshed, flushed clean of all her repressed frustration and anger, it will be worth every day I can't sit without wincing. And for me that’s the ‘enjoyable’ part: the knowing this is definitely going to happen at some point and there’s no backing out, the knowing Nickki won’t go easy on me, the humor in the overall situation itself, the little tidbits of accumulating offenses, Nickki’s occasional reminders, even the fact that this person for whom I am standing in will never know what price I will be paying for her misdeeds, all of it. But I suppose, like Tom Sawyer, the BEST part is knowing my gesture will be appreciated.