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Sunday, October 31, 2021

Happy Halloween

 I'll just let the Kurgan say it, since he does it so much better than I can:

Friday, October 29, 2021

The Hard Way-- Conclusion

And now, the conclusion of our story, told in an extra-long final installment. For those who wince at anything that "breaks the skin", please take comfort in that, while some of the more basic pain elements here are genuine, the more extreme ones are Photoshopped. In fact, out of all the installments, much here today has been faked in some way. Sometime next week I will do a follow-up to this tale with some behind the scenes information. But for now? Enjoy......just in time for Halloween!

The Hard Way- Part 5 of 5/Conclusion- In which KDP fully accepts his Halloween fate.

Upon re-entering the room, I found my tormentor sitting with a wide toothy grin. The ghoul snickered and tapped her palm with Rosa’s own paddle. The plexiglass  clacked rhythmically as she playfully tested the implement’s heft. “Oh this will do nicely!” she stated approvingly. No wonder your Honey loves it. There was no way I was leaving without spanking you at least as hard as my sister did! Now get over here and let’s see what sort of color I can work into those pale buns of yours!”

True to her word, the ghoul spanked with supernatural strength and I was very soon kicking and begging for mercy, another virtue my particular tormentor was equally short on. The pain prompted me to clench my butt-cheeks in resistance, but as soon as I tried, the residual ectoplasm still in me from the bone impalement, worked as well as any ginger root figging as a deterrent. I had no choice but to offer my tormentor a relaxed pair of buns for her to toast. When she finally finished, I felt as though my rear end had been dipped in a boiling cauldron.

“Very nice color, my dear,” the ghoul conceded with a bit of pride. “I’ll bet you thought that a little bony thing like me couldn’t spank as hard as that. But even with your size, I think I put you quite nicely in your place.” 

I could only muster a “Yes, Ma’am,” as I futilely tried to rub the soreness away. 

Once up, the ghoul admired her work saying she was happy that if her torments didn’t work to excite me, that at least they obviously hurt. Then she evilly employed her internet-gleaned knowledge of me in the most embarrassing way. Chuckling, she mused, “I told you earlier that I know quite a bit about you. Well, I happen to know that you are quite vulnerable to the notions of age reversals. Your own wife, Rosa is 17 years younger than you and spanks you as if that disparity was reversed. And since not only is that butt of yours just too ripe for another spanking, but I know some fellow revenants who would be most delighted to add some color and fire to that rosy backside of yours! And the best part is that no one could ever balk at involving minors since both fiends, despite their youthful appearance, are not only older than you, but even older than ME! And going by outward form, they are probably the most juvenile-looking disciplinarians you’ve ever had! How fun for you to be roasted in such an extreme age reversal spanking that isn’t really a reversal at all?!”

“Now bend over that bench like the obsequious little foot-boy you are, while I introduce you to Prissy. Technically, though she died quite young, Prissy would now be just shy of 200, even though she appears as she looked when she passed……….just with less flesh . But don’t let her size and appearance fool you. She is quite an accomplished disciplinarian and given the year of her birth will see you, quite accurately, as the true juvenile in this situation.”

In mere seconds, Prissy appeared, winked at me (difficult for a skeleton, but I learned oddly possible), and then pounced on my back, facing my rear, and using only her two hands, spanked my butt as if she were playing fleshy bongo drums. Giggling throughout, young….or should I say ‘old’ Prissy spanked furiously, her bony little hands, devoid of flesh, each feeling like a bundle of whippy birch branches. I am not sure how she managed it, but her hand-spanks each resulted in her fingertips biting into me like the end of a light cane or switch, leaving livid welts with each swat. I was howling by the time she became bored and scampered off.

Before I could recover fully, however, the ghoul summoned what appeared to be some cross between a baby and a demon. The ghoul then teased, “I also know from recent posts that you’ve been wrestling with being spanked by a male. Well, may I introduce you to Pandamonium, or ‘Panda’ for short, a rather evil, ostensibly male…..but who can really tell with hellspawn….., baby-like demon with a penchant for wooden spoons and bare behinds. Oh, and while I can never get a straight answer from him on this, I do know little Panda here is somewhere  between 3000 and 9000 years old ” I just groaned.

The demon’s approach to spanking was truly supernatural. Despite the seemingly mundane use of a time-honored wooden spoon as implement, the demon employed it with frenetic speed and unnatural power. When it finally left in a puff of brimstone I felt as if my posterior was smoking as well. “Oh my, your bottom is quite deliciously cooked my foot-boy. I’ll bet you feel this right up until All Hallows' Eve!”

After examining the result of those three consecutive spankings on my rear, she turned her attention to my front. “Ah, but see? After all that fun….especially after having had some of the craziest reversal spanks of your life, nothing! How disappointing. You’d think all of this adventure would have tickled the twisted fringes of a kinky guy like you, but……..” 

The ghoul stopped as she turned my defeated organ around to her view . “Hmmmm,” she grinned in pleasant surprise, “so the hydraulics may be faulty, but the plumbing does still work. You have been acting like you hate all this but this ectoplasm of your own tells a different story.” 

She then scooped up my telltale secretions and gave them a taste. “Delightful,” she exclaimed! “Oh, how I miss the flavors of the living! But this bit of incriminating leakage makes me think that perhaps you have been having too much fun, and that was certainly not my goal. I need to leave here with you feeling contrite and receptive to all the spirits of Halloween.”

“I think I may need to put you through one last ordeal…one with some lasting consequences. Despite your successes today, I can’t help but observe that you are one of those creatures who needs constant reminders to behave properly. Perhaps it’s why your Rosa needs to paddle your bottom to keep you in line? Well, regardless of all that, I can’t be here watching over you all through the season…….but my pet can.”

“Your pet?” I asked. “Is that like a ‘familiar’?”

“Watch it, foot-boy. Do I look like a witch to you? And you better be careful how you answer that. Those shears are just about two yards away.”

“Oh no,” I assured. “Pardon my ignorance of your ways.”

“Well, I think in light of your upcoming venture, I can overlook your offensive comparisons. Now that it’s been cleaned up a bit, bring that little worm of yours over here for a little Halloween decorating of my own.” I did as ordered and watched as the ghoul tied an orange ribbon around my penis. Given the color, I felt it made sense as a Halloween decoration, but when she began to add yellow goldfinch feathers, I truly became confused. Still, I was in no position to criticize her design choices and if this ghoul liked feathers, feathers I would wear.

Once adorned she tipped me off balance onto the chair she had once reclined in and made a ‘pssst-psst’ sound with her teeth. Almost immediately the skeleton cat on my table jumped to the floor and slunk its way to where I sat. Having played with cats before, I suddenly realized what she had in mind and I won’t pretend that I was without concern. As the cat silently padded its way closer, I knew my suspicions were not unfounded, which she soon confirmed.

“I may not be able to watch over you 24/7, but my darling, Clawfoot can. And I think it’s now time for you two to get acquainted with a little playtime and learn how my pet got her name. Using the ribbon she had tied to me, the ghoul now dangled my feather-adorned penis like a lure, attracting the cat’s attention. I watched a very familiar scene as the furless feline froze and stared intently at my bouncing member. How often had I myself played with cats in a similar, though less personal manner?

Cats never seem to react to such teasing immediately but eventually some random motion ultimately triggers them, and then they react with lightning speed. Such was the case with our little scene. I knew what was going to happen eventually, but couldn’t do anything other than anticipate the inevitable. The cat crept just inches away from me ………

………….when a final jiggle sparked its hunting instincts and it leapt upon me with claws extended and teeth bared. I can’t say it didn’t hurt.

After clawing me, the cat held me down like a trapped mouse until it became bored  and let me go as it jumped down from my lap. 

My evil temptress merely used this as an opportunity to repeat the cycle of teasing, and the cat once again became mesmerized by the motion. Again it clawed and nipped and again it let go in a true game of “cat and mouse” with my penis as the unfortunate rodent. The ghoul repeated this game until the cat, as all cats do, became bored and sauntered off, though not before having successfully turned my tender penis into a battered scratching post.

“Well now your front is as torn up as your back,” the ghoul laughed. “That should keep you in line for a while at least, but be assured, if you misbehave, Clawfoot will always be watching and maybe the next time you pass her on the table, she’ll do more than just scratch and nip! Cats can’t resist mice and your bite-sized mouse is something she’s already gotten a taste of.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” was all I could think to say…...and did.

“But now it’s truly time for me to go. I will say that you are pretty cool for a mortal. Well maybe not your bottom right now, but you definitely have a ghoulish temperament yourself. A rare thing for the living. No wonder you love Halloween so much. It will be interesting to see what becomes of you on the other side of the grave when the time comes.” And with that I felt as if in a sudden fog, and when it lifted I found myself back in my bed. I tried to console myself that all had been but a dream, but in shifting under the covers I could feel my bottom chafe the sheets most tenderly. And once up and with a quick perusal of my posterior in the bathroom mirror, and still sporting the scratches to my genitals, I saw ample evidence that the ghoulish visitor was no mere dream.

Exactly a week later, once my Rosa had again left for work, I awoke to a familiar scent and voice. “Hey there, foot-boy.” Sure enough, my devilish ghoul-girl was indeed back. Mashing her foot firmly into my face, she said, “you know what to do…….and if you have a problem with my request, we could  finally see how well those old, rusty shears work!”

But her threat was unnecessary. I now knew my place having learned my lesson well enough from her last visit. I’m not sure what it says about me, but I kind of accepted my fate as the seasonal plaything of the undead. I had even grown oddly acclimated to her unique foot-scent and bony toes. 

“No need for that,” I assured and then quite tenderly laid a long, slavish kiss on her pallid sole. 

And rather than cackle in ghoulish triumph as I had expected, I heard her pleasurably sigh, then purr, and then softly add, “my name is Rowena, by the way.”

“Hi, Rowena. You can call me KD…..unless you prefer “foot-boy”?” I offered and followed up with another passionate smooch.

She moaned a bit this time and then said in a very breathless yet casual voice, “you know, KD, kisses like that, nice as they are, aren’t going to get you out of the spanking I still intend to give you?”

And finally it was my turn to cackle in evil glee. “Well I sure as hell hope not!” I responded and went back to my kissing. ‘No, there were far worse fates than this’, I thought to myself, and despite being a little too thin and dead for my tastes, at least Rowena was fun.

-------------------The End---------------------

Thursday, October 28, 2021

Stupidity Sampler

I wasn't going to post today, and it is way later here than when I usually sit down to write something up, but I was struck today by the sheer amount of stupidity I encountered in the span of about five minutes just looking at a news page. Encountering stupidity nowadays is easy, but even I was impressed by the ease with which I could so easily flow from one bout of idiocy to the next. 

First up, Marjorie Taylor Greene. If there is someone you can count on for stupidity as reliably as State Farm for 'being there' when insurance is needed, it's Marjorie Taylor Greene.  The article said that Greene said that the January 6th insurrection was akin to the Declaration of Independence in that it was about overthrowing tyranny. You have to love when stupidity is so marvelously layered.

"Hey, come on. Who's the bigger idiot? Me or the people who voted for me?"

First off, her boy was on the throne when the election was lost by him. So, in a way a tyrant WAS overthrown.......just not by means of storming the seat of government. But, in saying this, is that what Greene proposes as our new election model? Forget the ballots......they're all fraudulent anyway, right? Let's just declare a civil war every four years and let each side fight it out and winner gets to put their candidate in the White House. 

Next up......Truth Social. Now you probably think I'm going to rail against Trump on this one, but you'd be wrong. The idiots in this situation are the ones against this or afraid of it, and who are willing to rewrite First Amendment rights to silence the guy they don't like. Not me!

"Hey, come on! Who's the bigger idiot? Me....or the people who voted for me?"

Trump is like a boxer capable of delivering powerful blows, but who can't help but telegraph every punch. Now, if January 6th taught us anything it's that his followers are dangerous. Do I really want them plotting in secret when they could be telling us everything we need to know on a pseudo-Twitter platform? Imagine they do something. Prosecutors can go right to the "truths". This to me is like if September 11th had been planned using Facebook. We would have seen it coming. 

And, there are a lot of people who defend Trump followers as not being as bad as some think they are. Well, won't Truth Social be the litmus test for this? So stop railing against this. Use it. And along the way, don't tell me there won't be some "truth" gems that will have the rest of doubled over in laughter. 

Then there's Meta! LOL! That's right, Zuckerberg, you change "Facebook" to "Meta" and everything will be just fine. Whistleblowers be damned! "Those documents were about Facebook. We're Meta." LOL

"Who's the bigger idiot? Me for changing Facebook to Meta, or the users who get addicted to this shit and will use it even if an unshredded document shows up that states that I intentionally programmed some subliminal addiction program into the software?"

Let's not leave out Kyrsten Sinema, whose politics are just as coherent as her fashion sense.

"Hey, come on! Who's the bigger idiot? Me, or the people who voted for me?"

It's OK to oppose legislation that is costly in order to maintain fiscal responsibility, but Kyrsten, dear...... what the hell IS your fiscal policy stance? Do you HAVE one? Do you have ANY position that doesn't change with the wind? Now some of you might be thinking: 'hey, there, KD, why are you picking on Sinema and leaving Manchin out? Are you being sexist?' Not at all. Manchin is being an out-of-touch pain-in-the-ass, BUT he is not doing it stupidly. He's doing it with a cold maliciousness that will catch up to him sooner than he thinks.......Mr. Coal. 

And if all this wasn't enough politically......on the same page is one of those teaser/quizzes that sucker you in so they can just bombard you with ads. This one claimed it could tell my education level in just 12 questions. IDIOTS! I can do it in ONE! And they do this on applications all of the time. It's easy: ............... "What was the last grade level you completed?" 

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Did you hear the one about.....?

My guess is if you're talking about recently, probably not. I personally can't remember the last time someone told me a joke. I don't mean hearing a stand-up routine, or someone sharing a meme, I'm talking about a straight-up, old-fashioned, well-told tale from a regular person that ended with a punchline that made me laugh. 

The sad thing is that given our current life environment, of polarized politics, Covid-19, global warming, etc. etc., we probably could use a good joke now more than ever. And yet? silence.

"I'm having a shitty day. Tell me a joke."

This is not to say there isn't a constant stream of shared humor going on. Today's 'joke-telling' seems to have been replaced with 'meme-sharing'. And there's nothing wrong with that. Some of them are very witty......though, just like a corny or bad joke.......many are pretty lame as well. But that's how it goes. One person's knee-slapper is another's groaner. 

Call me 'old-fashioned' but while I enjoy a clever meme, I miss a well-told joke, and personally, seeing how texting and social media has thwarted actual human interaction, I see an increasing inability in people being able to provide their own entertainment, instead relying on sharing what others have done.  It's sad.

In my case, there could be several reasons my joke well has run dry. I am retired and no longer have access to that 'water-cooler' environment of the workplace. My current friends, and even my wife, are not gregarious raconteurs. A lot of my interaction IS online, so the substitution of meme for joke is to be expected. And perhaps, "PC  culture" has finally driven the nail into amateur joke-telling?

In the article here (LINK) from 2019, some comedians debate whether PC Culture has or has not affected comedy, and it's an interesting debate with opinions on both sides. But even still, the pressure on a professional comedian for consequences is not the same as the guy in a work, or nowadays even a social, environment. Could it be that people are just too gun shy to risk it?

Perhaps the reason for my lament is that I not only grew up in a time when joke-telling was pervasive, but I personally always felt that the ability to tell a joke in a social situation was a kind of social grace to be cultivated. As a father I sort of insisted that my kids learn at least ONE good joke and practice it until they could tell it well. For me, this was like learning how to order from a menu and how to properly tip. Naturally, if one was so inclined, they could amass a collection of jokes, and perhaps refine their various accents, like a good actor, to be able to deliver ethnic dialog convincingly. It is like the person who can attend a party and sit at the hosts' piano and play for the enviable talent that was cultivated in people for a long time. 

What happened to us? 

It would be hypocritical of me to write a post like this and not offer a joke to my readers. The following is one of my favorites and is an excellent example of  naughty but relatively clean humor that requires human interaction. The joke requires dialog with changing accents, and depends on gesture as well.......neither things easily conveyed in a meme and even here will require your imagination. It is an ethnic tale, but not one that disparages that ethnicity. The specificity of  the protagonist merely lends this case, Italian flavor no different than the basil and parmigiana cheese on his Sunday pasta. 

There was this Italian widower who was getting on in years and whose daughter was becoming increasingly concerned for him. But, he being stubbornly independent, the best she could do to keep an eye on him was have him over every Sunday for dinner. 

One Sunday he arrived for dinner and immediately the daughter noticed a black eye. "Poppa! What happened to your eye?"

(in heavy Italian accent and miming what he describes with exaggerated hand gestures) "Oh, you wouldn't believe! I'm a innocent. I go to a church like I always a do, and I want to sit in the front pew but it's full, so I sit in the next one and whenna da priest comes in, we all stand up, and I see that the lady in front a me, she hazza her dress stuck in her ass. So, I try to be nice and I pulla it out for her. Annna she hits me! I tell ya I don't know why she was a so mad, I just tryin' to help."

"Oh Poppa, you are always getting into trouble. I told you, you should stay with me so I can keep an eye on you."

But the old man insisted on keeping his independence and not being a burden and said not to worry and he'd be back every week for dinner. And as promised, he comes the following Sunday and THIS time his OTHER eye is blackened.

"OH poppa!" the daughter cries. "What happened THIS time?!"

"Oh you a not gonna believe! I'm a innocent. Today I go back to a da church, but again the front pew is full and I gotta sit in the next one. And AGAIN I notice the same lady from last week she is sittin in fronna me. The priest comes in and a we alla stand up. And AGAIN she has her dress stuck in her ass. But I don't a do nothin! The guy next to me, HE pulls it out!!!! Well, I know she a no like that, so I putta it back. (gesturing with an upturned hand hastily tucking a dress into a buttcrack.)

Friday, October 22, 2021

The Hard Way- Part 4 of 5

The Hard Way- Part 4 of 5: In which the ghoul demonstrates some techniques she picked up from Vlad Tepes.

Now being fully determined to prevent my newfound enthusiasm from waning, the ghoul ordered me up, and I could see she was now holding a rather sturdy femur, though it could not have been hers, since both were still attached to her pelvis. “Come here,” she barked, “and turn around!” 

I did as directed when she issued one further command: “Bend over, dear…….and let me see what you’re hiding between those little cheeks. Hmmmmm, not exactly a tight, virgin pucker, eh? Well that’s good. It’ll make this next part a little easier. Now take a nice deep breath.”

I imagine a specter such as she, must have access to all sorts of metaphysical aids and while I can’t say for sure, I imagine she must have conjured some ghostly ectoplasm onto the femur’s head and greater trochanter, to act as lubricant. 

This was a mixed blessing because while I could have never accommodated such a gnarly intruder without some slimy assistance, I found the ectoplasm to not only possess the slickness of Astroglide, but the apparent Scoville equivalent of a ghost pepper, (apropos of a dead specter I suppose)The ghoul wasted little time in plunging that knobby shaft directly into my waiting anus…….

…….. and I could not tell whether the burning sensation I felt was from the ectoplasm or the forceful insertion.

My tormentor was certainly more swift than gentle, driving that bone right up inside me..

 Once impaled and looking like a ham with the bone still in.............

…... I resumed my podal ministrations with a zeal that would be the envy of a martyred saint…... or Trump supporter. 

Sensing my profound willingness to please, the ghoul forced her foot as far into my mouth as it could go so that I was now impaled by bone as deeply in one end as I was in the other, though at least her toes did not produce the fiery torment that the femur did. My bottom felt as if a glowing hot poker had been lodged inside me rather than a bone.

The ghoul then laughed maniacally at her total victory over me, her mortal toy. And I? I was as defeated and compliant as any sub with a fleshier, and less deceased Mistress. “OK, my little foot boy. I think we’ve taken that aspect of devotion as far as we can, and my time is growing short as well. As much as I’d love to torment you all day…..or all eternity for that matter…...there simply are other places I need to be. But before I go, there IS definitely one last thing you and I are going to share.”

“But FIRST…….” she exclaimed, “we need to rid you of your little motivational intruder. And besides,” she mused with a tilt of her skull, “I have to get that back to its owner before her morning jog.” 

Once again I was summoned to the ghoul’s side and ordered to turn around so that she could get a good grip on the sturdy bone jutting out of my posterior. She took hold of it and tugged, but the trouble with most long bones is that they are rather prominently flared and bulbous at each end, and a femur is emphatically so.

This is great when your desire is to have it stay in, but becomes a nuisance when the goal is removal. For someone dead for so long, you would think she would have learned patience, but this ghoul had little and rather than ease the bone out gently, she just put her foot against my rump and yanked it out with a shocking ‘pop’, like a champagne cork, leaving my anus akin to Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire”. 

I was then ordered to clean up quickly and return.


'The Hard Way' concludes next Friday with Part 5 of 5.

Thursday, October 21, 2021

Here, piggy-piggy

As mentioned in the warrior doll post, I also made a creepy pig. The funny thing is how we ended up getting it. While camping the weather was initially drizzly and once we set up camp, we decided that rather than just sit under a canopy for hours on end, we should maybe pick up a few things from a local market and look around the area.

While out, we saw a kind of antique store/flea market combo and Rosa suggested we give it a look. While there, we saw a cute porcelain pig doll in a country dress and it seemed like Rosa wanted it. When the price was quoted as $10, we both frowned a bit, and Rosa kept walking, but the lady there quickly amended her quote to just $5. To me this seemed MORE than fair, and I asked Rosa what she thought, and she said, "get it."

At the time I thought she wanted it. But much later when I asked her what she wanted me to do with it, she said, to make it into a Halloween thing and added that she naturally thought that's what I wanted it for. So after some discussion we realized that she said to get it because she didn't want to disappoint me, and I offered it to her because I didn't want her not to have it if she wanted it. A misunderstanding, but a kind of nice one. LOL

So here we are now with a cute little piggy that neither of us really wanted and I just figured it would be a fairly easy conversion to something a bit more disturbing. This shot is one I found online of the exact same porcelain pig doll head and body in a slightly different dress than ours:

And this is what I did with ours:

I used Miliput to extend the mouth into jowls capable of housing those tusks and also added the austere brows. The tusks were carved out of some white plastic rod, and I re-used the white underskirt from the same broken doll I got to make the Zuni-guy's hair from, cut it, and sewed it (myself......with some struggle LOL) into the blood-stained apron. The cleaver is an old cheese knife I had with a different doll, but which looks much better with Piggy. After that, it was just a matter of a quick repaint into less cheerful colors.

She now sits on the same mantlepiece that displays my Halloween "kid's toy shelf"....the same one that the nasty monkey sits on. I didn't really need another doll for that shelf, but looking at how it turned out......for $5 and very quick work, I'm glad we got her. I wonder though, how the woman who reduced the price for us would feel about this makeover? 

Annnnnnd........for those who prefer their piggies neither innocent NOR demonic, kindly try "Three Piggies" (LINK) (if you haven't already, or just want to read it again.) It's an illustrated "children's story" for kinky adults in which several of my favorite kinks all play some part in a kind of 'love contest', and although it's not in any way a Halloween story, you might find it fun.

Tuesday, October 19, 2021


If you're my age or older, the 70's were not just some nostalgic decade to be played for laughs on TV by Ashton Kutcher and Topher Grace, but an actual time to live through. And if you managed it, you did so without a cellphone and a plethora of streaming networks. If you wanted to watch something, you could go to a movie theater, or turn on your TV. And if you were did both a lot!

Being a creepy kid (not an exaggeration, my Kindergarten teacher actually spoke with my parents over my apparent obsession with monsters and such) I was quite familiar with shows like: The Addams Family, The Munsters, Dark Shadows, Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, Night Gallery, Alfred Hitchcock Presents..., One Step Beyond, and movie showcases like Chiller Theater and Creature Features. You even knew when the "4:30 Movie" was going to run a weeklong feature of giant monsters, or creepy stuff after school.

If you were into scary shit as a kid, you HAVE to have this short claymation intro, featuring its characteristic six-fingered hand and ominous....."Chilllllll-lllllerrrrrrrrrr" voiceover, etched into your sick little brain! 

And if you were a little more obsessive, you might have even managed to discover Zacherle hidden away on some channel somewhere.

John Zacherle: "Goodnight, whatever you are!"

If any of this sounds like you, you probably remember a day back in 1975, (or perhaps later as a re-run, because it certainly was shown more than once) when a little made-for-TV anthology, featuring stories penned by Richard Matheson, (who wrote extensively for Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, and Night Gallery,) and featuring Karen Black playing different roles in three separate tales, made its debut. It was called, "Trilogy of Terror". (LINK) And odds are, if you remember it, you probably remember one particular story best. The last one. The one with the little warrior doll. 

Now, in the movie there is a glaring error. The doll is referred to as a Zuni Warrior Fetish Doll...........and not fetish in the way which would suggest he went around spanking people.........from................wait for it........Africa. Well, there IS a Zuni tribe. And there IS even an Africa. BUT, never has that twain met. The Zuni people were a tribe of Pueblan Native Americans.  So..............let's ignore that and just say that this evil little fucker is from  some other tribe in Africa.

Anyway, let's get to where this is going. Recently this movie has been featured on Amazon Prime, and for some nostalgic shits & giggles I watched it with Rosa, who also remembered the movie from a much later showing, since she wasn't even BORN in 1975. LOL.  Afterwards, I thought how cool it would be to have a replica of that doll on my Halloween table and figured that SOMEONE must have produced such a thing. quick internet search later......I found them. 

And here he is.....In all his bandana-clad glory. 

One thing that follows me like a curse, is the almost freakish consistency with which whatever quirky thing that becomes a kind of desire for me, is either unattainable............or comes with a price tag that exceeds my budget. Happens ALL the time. (Try getting a bottle of Suze now.) Anyway, yes, you can get little Mr. Pseudo-Zuni here from various long as you're willing to drop somewhere between $300 to $450 or so to have him. I was not. BUT that didn't mean I no longer wanted him.

So.................................scrounging through my old action-figure fodder, and dragging out my leftover Sculpey clay and Miliput...........I just made my own:

He's perhaps not 100% alike, but to be honest, neither is the commercial one 100% to the movie prop. But, it's close enough for my tastes. But......."oh, shit! His charm fell off!!!! Honey! Hide the knives and preheat the oven....quickly!"

The good news is I spent around $3 to make him, having had everything I needed besides the hair (which was the hardest part of the whole project, BTW) and the base he's on. The final irony is that I had kind of promised myself that I wasn't going to make anything new for Halloween this year. And.....not only did I make this guy, but also a piggy-doll I will feature in a later post. 

Saturday, October 16, 2021

Back to school

We are now three installments into "The Hard Way" and it should be obvious by now that besides being a bit of a sick, self-indulgent exhibitionist, willing to pervert any Halloween decor, I also have quite a collection of props. I also like skeletons, and as you will eventually see, not just human ones. But what you WON'T see are these bony, plastic offerings, currently available in most Halloween shops:

And to fully explain why, I will provide a kind of pictorial, educational rant directed at not only the manufacturers of these items, but anyone out there who buys them, so..................
"Listen up! School is now in session."

"What creature is being represented in the first slide?"
"An octopus?"
"Yes, an octopus!"

"And what class of animals are octopi?"
" 'Second class', sir?"
"NO! >SMACK!< Cephalopods!"

"And do cephalopods have skeletons?"
"I.......I......I guess so...."
"NO! They DON'T! That's why they are cephalopods and not vertebrates! So....octopi DON'T HAVE SKELETONS!"

"Now let's talk about the second creature being shown. In which of the nine major phyla would spiders fall under?"
"Um, phyla? Isn't that pastry dough?"

"That answer was so stupid, I had no choice but to prevent you from saying anything potentially dumber. Now, pay attention! Spiders are arthropods, which means their external bodies, the ones we see, ARE their skeletons. That's why we call it an exoskeleton!"

"Now why would someone make a spider with an internal skeleton when they already have a perfectly good external one? Kind of redundant, wouldn't you say? So....why do it?"
"Ummm, ohhhhh, make money, Ma'am?"
"Correct answer, but a terrible reason, so...."

"And you three, why would you BUY such erroneous garbage?"
"OW! 'Cause it's Halloween, Ma'am?"
"There are all sorts of other skeletons out there.............. even if they did give them ears which are technically incorrect, but which do help identify the animal being represented, and therefore is somewhat forgivable......because it IS Halloween. Why not just content yourself with THOSE, and not advertise your ignorance with these ridiculous abominations?"
"OWIE-OW-OW.....We're sorry, Ma'am!" 

"Apology accepted. Now let me just make sure your remember today's lesson in the future."

End of an 'old school' lesson.