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Saturday, October 9, 2021

O-Entitlement

Recently the topic of "Orgasm Entitlement" has been kicked around, first here, then at Mrs. Fever's thought-provoking blog, and now here again. 'Tennis anyone?' But what of it? The plain truth is that if we are going to associate orgasm with every other natural aspect of human life, then isn’t everyone just as entitled to them as anything else?  We feel entitled to wanting the essentials like eating, sleeping, and having a reasonable living space, and since sex is a biological imperative, does it not qualify to be listed among these others?

And why wouldn’t anyone today feel entitled to an orgasm? Health professionals not only endorse them but recommend they be frequent. Media sensationalizes them, portraying them as the “Holy Grail” of sex…...only with far less ordeal needed to achieve them.. We have things like “International Masturbation Day” each May 28th. We live in a freedom-driven society to the point that people felt being required to wear a mask during a pandemic was an infringement of their rights. Who in a society like that is going to say, “nah, I’m not entitled to an orgasm.”? Even otherwise restrictive religions sanction sex (with orgasm implied)  as such an important gift from a god that it shouldn’t be wasted, squandered promiscuously, or thwarted with any artificial contrivances. And even without these external advocates, don’t our own bodies simply crave them, making us crazy when we are denied?

Jeez.....it's like someone squeezed the toothpaste tube too hard.

So while a sort of universal consensus has made orgasming into something natural, desired, and downright positive across the board, the term “orgasm entitlement” seems to have been narrowed to something more socio-political. (You don't believe me? Google it!) The term now seems to define a specific gender issue within a relationship as it plays out in the sphere of the bedroom activity between two people in a heterosexual encounter where the man will feel as though at some point, for any of his sexual effort to mean anything at all, he should be able to finish off with a bang, whereas his partner may or may not, and because she is a woman….and women somehow .... inexplicably.....and inaccurately....don’t imbue orgasms with the same importance…...it’s not concerning that he has one while she doesn’t. Does this happen? Certainly. This is not really about orgasm entitlement though. It's just being an asshole. 

And not even a cute one like this.

Others will counter that (ostensibly 'good') men, being the solicitors of sexual favors from fickle women who grant and deny access to their girlie parts based on a myriad of whims, are the ones who strive to be the one who can get his woman to orgasm every time, even at his own expense.  This happens as well. I've known plenty of women who feel entitled to an orgasm. Hell, I'm married to one. The idea of the man being an orgasmic gentleman magician, is even a kind of 'point of pride' thing in certain circles.

The little-known real inspiration for Respighi's "Fountains of Rome". ciao, bella!

So, where do I stand on all this? Well for a complicated topic, my view is pretty simple. BUT it does turn on some very crucial criteria.

Situation 1: Orgasms as a natural part of life and  desired personal treats in the general, vanilla world. If you want an O, are able to achieve one, and have either a willing partner or are flying solo, why not? Are you entitled to one? I suppose. If you are a free citizen and wanted a nice Italian sub because you were hungry and had the means to procure one, would I not think you have the right, and were therefore entitled, to walk into a deli to order one without being refused? How is this any different? Go have your O.

Situation 2: Orgasms as the expected reward for merely being a certain gender. Do I think a guy who believes that because he is the husband, works hard, paid for dinner, or just has to have one because he’s a guy and that’s how men are, etc. etc. that at the end of the day, his partner is obligated to get him off? Nope. However, he IS still entitled to one as defined in situation 1, and needs only go about meeting his own needs if it’s so imperative. I would say in an egalitarian relationship this would apply equally to a woman of the same mind. 

Situation 3: Orgasm denial as a religious, personal, or kinky choice. This comes down to a person having made some commitment to denying this treat to themselves as part of some other goal. Are THEY then entitled to one? Actually, yes they are. Choosing to not have one does not mean a person isn’t entitled to one, no different than a vow of silence doesn’t mean that free speech is no longer a right, or a DD contract of rules and punishment doesn’t mean the submissive isn’t still entitled to giving consent, or a person who gives up a certain food in honor of their god isn’t entitled to eat it if they want to. The fact that they ARE entitled and have chosen to relinquish that right, is the basis of their sacrifice. It would not BE a sacrifice to deny one’s self something they aren’t entitled to in the first place. 

Situation 4: My situation. Am I entitled to one? Sure, if I choose to live differently, who is to tell me I’m not? But, if I mutually agree to live in a denied state where my partner has the sole right to decide what I get or what I don’t, then within that arrangement I am not entitled to anything I’ve willingly surrendered. What I get or don’t get is not about deserving, earning, fairness, or anything other than what my partner decides. And yet, even while knowing this, the ingrained knowledge that such a release is my right as a human being, means that even though I have chosen to relinquish this right, I still retain a sense of entitlement to one if I feel I’ve done everything I should. 

It was far easier for me to accept that my orgasms would require someone else's permission. But even then I always felt that it was the extra step of seeking permission that demonstrated my obedience and trust. Once I deferred to this condition, being granted permission was kind of a given so long as all other conditions were met. What we are endeavoring to achieve now is a mutual unlearning of orgasms as something people are entitled to whether conditionally or unconditionally. Instead we are viewing them as a kind of nonessential, something pleasurable that can serve a purpose but can be replaced with other things that could easily serve the same purpose. I can honestly say that I’m not quite there yet...............but I'm working on it.


6 comments:

  1. FYI, I just wrote a fairly long response to this post, but when I hit "publish" it disappeared. I hope it's find-able somewhere in the KD ether.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm sorry to say, I don't see it in any spam folder and even if something registers and then disappears I'll still have it in email form. Sadly, I don't have it there either.

      Blogger has been very glitchy with people lately. I definitely can say that I have changed nothing in my settings since enabling https redirect a week or so ago......and that seemed to improve things for those having an issue.

      I will say the same has happened to me just about everywhere.....to a point where I feel like if I'm going to respond with anything lengthy I just write it elsewhere and copy/paste it when I'm ready.

      These are free hosting services so it's hard for me to complain.

      ANNNNNNNNND.....I was SOOOOOOO looking forward to your response more than any other!

      Delete
    2. It looks like it has now shown up...

      WEIRD.

      Delete
  2. Google it? Really? I didn't know orgasm entitlement was an *actual* thing; I just thought it made sense as a descriptor.

    : laugh :

    I think the concept of "it's owed to me" or "gimme! I want it!" (and the petulance/agitation that can come with not having that expectation/demand met) is a real thing for some people. Marital problems are often brought to a head in the bedroom, right? "He only thinks of his own pleasure" or "she isn't giving me any!" are complaints commonly aired to therapists; the root cause is attitude, though, and that attitude stems from something deeper. (Thus, the cultural perpetuation of 'his-jizz focused' pornographic entertainments, etc.)

    And then, of course, there are those (like you) who turn the whole "want one! NOW!" business on its head by kinking either to the denial of that want or the permission from another to follow through on that want. Which has its own set of norms and expectations attached.

    I think what started me down the mental track for this topic was that you were being intentional about addressing your own acknowledged internal attitude of "but I deserve one!" Which, having put the "yes" or "no" up to someone else's authority means - on some level - it doesn't really matter what you think you deserve. It's what SHE thinks.

    I mean, I know what *I* think of that whole concept.

    : laugh :

    Anywhoo...

    Lovely tennis match. ;)

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    Replies
    1. Well I guess I see a huge difference between someone feeling entitled to having someone else get them off, regardless of that other person's state of willingness and just feeling the need for an orgasm and inducing one.

      I wouldn't call the first scenario "orgasm entitlement" as much as "sexual encounter entitlement".......which is like manipulative, guilt-job rape of a kind. I mean you CAN have an orgasm without involving an unwilling partner, but for a sexual ENCOUNTER, you kind of need that other person.

      As for my situation, I believe we are in intellectual agreement............ with my body and hormone-charged emotions resisting the logic of what my brain has agreed to.

      Thanks for weighing in.

      Delete