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Tuesday, November 16, 2021

Ergonomic Atheism



So Michael Flynn thinks we should have just one national religion and I think that’s a great idea. As an atheist I now have to provide arguments against a plethora of religions, but if there was just one, think of how much simpler my opposition would be! No more having to keep the diverse and intricate network of bizarre beliefs from a kaleidoscope of delusions going back millennia, straight in my head. Just one fairytale to refute and I can save the rest of my mental energy for new cocktail recipes. Go, Flynn!


The only problem I see with this proposal though is if America is just going to have one religion, which one should it be? When I hear people like Flynn talk, their ideologies sound frighteningly close to Radical Islam and yet these folks are clearly anti-Muslim in their views, so that's out. No, they ironically claim Christianity as their religion, so I guess we should look there. (Sorry Jews, It looks like you’re on the shit end of the stick once more. Catholics too. Because, as I’ve been assuredly told by several well-meaning and serious Protestants in the past, ‘Catholics aren’t Christians.')

However, once we turn to Protestantism, there are just so freakin’ many flavors!  Protestantism is like the Baskin-Robbins of belief. How do we settle on just one? Maybe Flynn should just start a new religion? He can even enlist Mike Lindell to help. Maybe they can find something that really works for their base? My suggestion would be Militapillowism (Mil-it-tah-PIL-ow-iz-em). It would basically be a belief system that recognizes Donald Trump, not as a modern-day Messiah, but as god himself, here on earth. Of course this means getting rid of Jesus, but come one, let's face it......his words really make it hard for Christians to pursue their agendas in the manner they like. Why not just go with someone who advocates what you're thinking deep down instead of trying to justify the contradictions?

As good a reason to not believe in a god of any kind as I've ever seen.

Followers would obey whatever he says and force their god’s will on everyone around them.  True believers would do this zealously, taking up arms to spread the Good Word (Trump has always said, “I know words. I have the best words.”--Book of Trump, Chapter 2:verse 5 ). If, in the course of firing their converted-to-fully-automatic AR-15’s at the unconverted opposition, they die by the hand of their enemies, then their souls would be promised an eternity of blissful rest…...on a REALLY comfortable pillow

Supposedly like this one.

Now some of you might be thinking this will never happen because true Christians would never take up a false god for fear of their souls. Well, sorry, but I'm laughing too hard to even formulate a response to THAT misconception. And if you're thinking true Christians would never take up arms against those who disagree with them because that's not what Jesus preached, well, my cachinnation has now resulted in coffee spewing through my nose. Still others might discount the National Religion proposal since the Constitution forbids it. Well…………. thee of short memory………….all you need is for Trump to win in 2024……after Republicans, no scratch that, TRUMPlicans take the House and Senate in 2022 (There aren't enough Republicans left to win ANYTHING in 2022 but plenty of Trumplicans)…..which is more likely than far-fetched…..and where the hell do you think that pesky Constitution-thing is going? It will be replaced by The Book of Trump, (Best words edition)

All the best words are on the inside, sometimes even strung together in semi-coherent runs that resemble rudimentary sentences.

Me? Well I never got to see in real life lemmings jumping en masse from cliffs into the sea, and since that turned out to be a myth perpetuated by Disney staging the event for a documentary (“DISCLAIMER/SPOILER ALERT: Many lemmings were indeed injured in the making of this film.) I doubt I’ll ever have the chance. 


The sick part of me would have really liked to have seen something like that. But since I can’t, I’ll settle for watching people vote for Trump en masse in 2024 followed by his televised inauguration…..no scratch that….DEIFICATION. Maybe I should consider marketing “End Times Popcorn” for people like me who are tired of arguing with people like Flynn and Lindell, and just have decided to watch it all burn? 

You don't even need an air-popper or a microwave! 
Just put the bucket of kernels on your lap and listen to them pop as your outrage intensifies!
Then, as that great popcorn/butter smell wafts up and soothes you, relax and munch away as the world goes to shit around you. 



16 comments:

  1. Because a good percentage of this country is stupid enough to vote for Trump again, my hope is that the bloated, bloviating orange buffoon doesn't make it to 2024. Of course, we'd still be stuck with his spawn and his endless parade of idiot followers. But it would be a start.

    Back on the age thing for a second -- these are the times when I'm actually grateful to be older. Because at least I won't have to bear witness to the country imploding a whole lot longer. Please pass the popcorn.

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    1. I echo your hope for a lot of reasons, but my disgust has never been able to sit comfortably on Trump alone. I have too much regard for the system we have to ever be able to exonerate those who can't employ it intelligently.

      And I second the upside to aging, as immortalized by Maurice Chevalier in Gigi: "I'm glad I'm not young anymore."

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    2. Love "Gigi"! But talk about a bygone era. Can you imagine making a film nowadays with an old man singing "Thank Heaven For Little Girls"?

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    3. I actual CAN imagine such a thing as an SNL skit....which I'm amazed has never been done. It's ripe for plucking.

      Also.....I just want to playfully add that when I wrote this piece, I pictured it enticing you to comment....and I wasn't wrong. In fact, you were the first to respond! ;-)

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  2. Pastafarianism, it's the only way to go. The right to wear a pasta sieve on your driving licence photo. Weddings dressed up as pirates on an historic boat. What religion can beat that?

    Prefectdt

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    1. Well as a long-time admirer of Pastafarianism, I see your point, but I'd put my Humorism from ("Finding Religion" Dec. 21, 2020) up against it. But politically the whole Flying Spaghetti Monster concept was brilliant.

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  3. As someone who grew up Muslim, in Saudi Arabia of all places, I was bewildered by the sect/religion centered around Ruhnama, a divine book written by Turkmenistan first dictator (and probably one of the inspirations for Sacha Baron Cohen's The Dictator.
    Anyway, I think for something like Islam to be turned into a cult of personality religion centered around an uneducated run-of-the-mill, Central Asian dictator, makes your visionary satire not that far-fetched unfortunately.

    It also makes our "job" as atheists all the easier!

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    1. Hmmm, you gave me some things to look further into. Thanks!

      And believe me, when I wrote this piece, I realized that even my most intentionally humorous jabs were depressingly plausible in our current environment. If I re-wrote this as a more realistic imagining of a future America, I would need to change very little.

      Thanks for your input.

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  4. From a fetish/fantasy perspective, America being taken over by evangelical fundamentalists and converted into a Saudi Arabia-esque Christian state certainly has potential.
    I imagine bare-assed public paddlings for atheists (ergonomic or otherwise) would be high on the agenda :D

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    1. Hmmm. As fantasy-fodder this scenario would have to have some very narrow caveats for it to tug any of my triggers...... but I'm glad it got you thinking. Maybe your next post can be a QBuzz take on such a society?

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  5. The bottom line is that this has become a topic to discuss. Trump has proven that people will believe anything, I feel he just enjoys messing with people and gets his thrills doing such. When your so full of yourself, you know what comes out of their mouth and I would not want in my hands. Jack

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    1. "A lie repeated often enough..." right? I'm not sure what Trump's intention is. I'm not even sure he knows.

      Nice to see you here again. I thought you went missing. ;-)

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  6. Atomist,with Démocritus, Epicure, Lucretius ...
    Not dualist, not with Plato ... and ALL the religious things.
    Cosmos is just cosmos!
    Thanks to French author Michel Onfray("Traité d'Athéologie", "Contre-Histoire de la Philosophie" T. 1 & 2, Englih full version available).

    Yes ! I'm just a sinner !
    Could you please save some popcorn for a French sinner Friend ?

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    1. Elements of atomism appeals .....being somewhat logical, but due to the time of its inception, the idea of the indivisible seems outdated. Quantum physics seems to provide us with infinite breakdown.

      I also have little to object to with Onfray. Big surprise right? LOL

      Sinners like you get free popcorn with an extra helping of butter and salt.

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  7. Big huggs and many thanks to you ,Sisyphus !
    (an yes, surprise, a good one ! Still... not really a surprise ... LOL !

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    1. Oh, I'm not sure I like THAT comparison. I am a huge believer in hospitality and try to be a doting host. As for the stone part? Well, with the way my life labors go, THAT comparison may be more apt.

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